Should I allow my boyfriend dicipline my two girls (5&7)???

Question

I recently had back surgery and am unable to do much. My boyfriend is the one that takes care of almost everything, from cleaning the house to punishing my girls by wanting to make them cry. Before doing some research myself, I wasn't very nice either (yelling, spanking, and threatening to harm them physically). It is almost as if I were competing with my boyfriend as to who should be the more dominant parent. I just want my kids to respect me and my rules and not grow to hate my boyfriend ,out of fear of his deep voice yelling in there face. NOTE: He has never touched them in a harmful manner. I just feel like I'm loosing it, their respect that is, because of letting him take over especially since we've only been together 8 months. Although he is tired of hearing me yell at them, which I'm now working on that on my behalf, but what do I do about my boyfriend not feeling respected because I question his methods? He says that I am underminding his decision, I don't feel he's right!HELP

Answer 1

First of all, there is a difference between punishment and discipline. Kids need discipline, secondly it sounds like there is a power struggle between you and the boyfriend, which your kids have picked up on. Your parenting strategies should be as a team not who can yell louder.

Answer 2

He has absolutely no right to discipline your daughters. He's not their father, or even their step-father. I take it he's living with you and your daughters. I think that is a very bad idea. You're teaching your daughters that it's okay to do what you're doing. Of course they're losing respect for you. From what you say you haven't been an ideal mother. You're allowing a man they barely know scream in their faces(which nobody should ever do parent or not). I think you should sit down and think long and hard about how you want to be and how you want your daughters to turn out. They learn more by what you do than what you say. The fact that it has come to mind is a big step forward. Maybe all the time being incapacitated wasn't for nothing, it's given you time to take stock of the way things are going. You sound really sincere about wanting to change things. I hope you do for your girls sakes as well as your own. I wish you all the best.
You could go to parenting classes to get some ideas on the right way to discipline.

Answer 3

It sounds like the TWO of you need to take some parenting classes. Neither of you have ANY right to make your children scared that you are going to physically hurt them EVER. They are five and seven and can not always comprehend right from wrong or why they must do certain things. You have only been with him 8months and let you allow him to make your daughters cry? Who is your priority here, you and your happiness or your girls? And how can you expect them to respect you when you have little or no respect for them, he yells in their face? As to you under minding his decision, its not his place he is a boyfriend not a parent and apparently not a good stand in for a father. You need to step up and take charge of your children. And seriously get some help on parenting, because what you are doing now is going to lead to a lot of resentment. And yelling in their faces and making them cry can only lead to worse places. Its abuse even if you don't touch their bodies!

Answer 4

they are your children, and he should only be disciplining when you ask him to or you are not there/around to handle the situation. DRAW the line now before the cycle is too set to change, because this can cause years of heartache later on down the line. My husband made it very clear from the beginning what was acceptable and what wasn't, usually in a gentle way, but you might have to be NOT gentle with your boyfriend, at least at first. You must make it clear to him, that while you are working on changing your ways, and you appreciate his help with this, that the two of you must appear as a team. IF he does discipline them at some point, overstepping the line, talk to him later, when you aren't in front of the girls, so that they don't realize you aren't playing as a team (and it won't look like you are undermining him infront of them), or else they will play one against the other. Hope this helps....

Answer 5

I think you and your boyfriend need to sit down without the kids and discuss this. Its a weird situation when you have a new man come along and you wonder what to do about discipline with your kids. If he lives with you and he's going to be around long term I think that the kids might walk all over him and not respect him if he can't ever deliver some sort of punishment when they do something wrong. It would be really hard on him and might make him want out of his relationship with you because of it. The main thing is both of you need to discuss this and how it makes each of you feel. Talking about it openly with him might make the two of you come up with a wonderful solution.

Answer 6

Wow this is a tough one. Your children need you, they depend on you to make the right dicisions for them because they cant make them themselves. So with that said you have to make decisions based on them not your boyfriend. Your boyfriend is a grown man who can take care of himself and make educated decisions that will best suit him. You children cant !

If you want your children to respect him, you must first make him respect them. If YOU want respect you have to give it. He deserves to be respected because he is an adult , however if the kids see that he isnt going to play fair then they wont either. If he really loves you then he will respect the way that you want to raise your children. If you really love him you will provide the type of support and dicipline that will make your children respect him as an adult and your Boyfriend.

if this is the man that you plan to marry / stay with, then you have to explain to the kids that this is the man you love and going to be with.Talk to them like they a people, be honest, and dont argue. Sometimes adults feel like kids are kids and you shouldnt have to explain yourself to a child, but answers/explainations will make all the difference. He is not there father so this is even more of a reason to explain to them why he is around and why you rely on him for support and help raising them.

Answer 7

Not just no but hell no.They are not his kids.Get married and then there might be a difference but make sure he is doing it in the right way.Why does he want to make them cry.My wife and I are 57 years old and we just adopede 2 kids the only crying is when one of them does something to the other one that we don't know about.I am talking about a 2 1/2 year old boy and a 6 year old girl, brother and sister.As for as dicipline they stand in a corner or sit on a chair.Why he likes to make them cry is am ego trip for himself I think.You need to stop that.Keep an eye on him he could hurt one of them..If this helps let me know

Answer 8

You and boyfriend of 8 months compete to be the most dominate parent? He punishes your children by YELLING IN THEIR FACE UNTIL THEY CRY? You fear you’ve lost their ‘respect’ by allowing him to do that? I think the problems go MUCH deeper than that.

Get some parenting classes! NOW!

Answer 9

No! The discipline lies with the real parents, not boyfriends. If you were married, it would be more reasonable to let him have some say in the discipline, but you are not and you can lose your children if their real father were to step in and complain about it. It is called abuse even if it is not physical. You need to seek help and find alternative methods to disciplining your children because this is obviously not working.

Answer 10

I don't think your bf should be disciplining your children. He's not thier father; nor their step-father. And I think you could both benefit from some good parenting classes before you reall "F" up the kids. You don't sound like you're happy with your own methods so seek some counseling to help you. Maybe the kids need some counseling too. Godloveya.