My 'best' friend who i love to bits has previously been through threatened suicide kind of depression she early 30s and says she doesnt expect to make it to her 40th 'because lifes to hard'.
I would usually and have previously when asked dropped what i was doing and gone to meet her when she has wanted to meet because she's having a bad day. Thing is I've had a really bad 3wks i can't complain to her because of her problems (and shes not a great listener), every wk she has something wrong i didnt want to hear about it today, when she text me asking me to meet her i lied and said i was cooking lunch. I would've had to change clothes, i had unwashed hair... Is it really bad that as a bestfriend i lied because i didnt want to hear about her problems AGAIN when i've got my own stuff to deal with even though thats what friends should do?
2007-01-26 02:56:16 · 21 answers · asked by truth_and_time_tells_all 6 in Family & Relationships ➔ Friends
7pm this evening invite by text message - she asks if i wanted to go out, i said i was wasnt in the mood, had college work to finish and it was getting me stressed i also suggested she asked another friend. She replies with' Not to worry i am tired' ! Whats the psychology behind that, why ask?
2007-01-26 06:30:03 · update #1
A tough one. I think that, from the above, you would always run to her side if you had unlimited amounts of time. But you don't - plain and simple.
I liked the first reply here - "friendship is a two-way thing", and it is true. I've recently dropped a friend because she would only contact me if she wanted something (no, not that) - computer fixing, DIY, shoulder to cry on etc. Once her problems were solved, I wouldn't hear from her until the next crisis.
You have to also bear in mind that you are human, and have a finite amount of patience which, in this case, has been stretched to breaking point. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you did - in fact, it may prove to be the better course of action if she gets used to you not being at her beck and call.
I would suggest introducing a third person into this problem. If you had another friend sharing the burden that this woman is imposing on you, you would feel less bad about not being there all the time (since you are safe in the knowledge that someone is giving her attention), plus may also put a new perspective on the problems this woman has.
Alternatively, start structuring your time with her. Tell her that you have a lot of things on at the moment, and pre-arrange times for you two to meet. This is a good compromise; it does not say that you will not be there for her, but it does stop her pestering you and stops you feeling guilty for not giving her 100% of your waking life.
I think I can see the one thing that is really troubling you - you are worried that if you lie to her about being busy when she "needs you", that may be the time when she does something bad to herself. If this is the bottom-line, then it may be worth seeking advice from a doctor who knows more on suicidal depression and in what circumstances people will actually try to take their life rather than attempt it as a cry for help.
Good luck.
2007-01-26 04:25:37 · answer #1 · answered by mrWerd 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
There is people that doesn't have a clue what canthey expect in life, or how to face problems. She is in a state of depresion where she has got used to it. In other words, she is happy being unhappy.
No problem about lying, I don't say it is Ok, but at least got you out of the ditch for the moment (don't do it again, next time hurry to the kitchen and start cooking and then tell her).
She definitely needs you. As far as suicide, be glad that she is telling you, that is a cry for help. Normally, when someone speaks it out, they won't do it, but chances are that in a moment of desperation, they may act it out. Ask her, at the appripriate moment, to explain you the details of how would she do it, then you can give her facts as to how painful it may be, and if she does it, she won't be around to prove the world what she can come out of.
She needs attention, but is trying to get it the wrong way. Try to distract her doing something fun. cook together, go to the mall together, show her affection profusely, point out the positive in her, like the fact that she is still alive is in itself a victory.
Time and space are short to talk all we need to, but be creative on ways to encourage her.
Be wise, and keep being compasionate.
God Bless you and your friend!
2007-01-26 03:15:37 · answer #2 · answered by skydiver 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Shes become very dependent on you in helping her with her problems and have forgotten that fact that you have your own problems to deal with.. You both have alot of stress in your lifes.. One thing you could do is get her out of the house and do something, a movie, lunch, picnic, keep her occupied when your with her will take her mind off what is bothering her.. but she has to also realize that you have your own life and everytime she breaks down you just cant be at her beck and call 24/7.. talk to her.. let her know what is going on.. she wont know this until you bring this to her attention, assure her you will still be there when you need her but you also have things that you must deal with too.. mabe you both could take a cruise together or go on vacation.. sounds like you both need one or the other..
Good Luck!!
2007-01-26 03:05:22 · answer #3 · answered by ? 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Been there and done that! There are times when you have to put your own needs first and a little white lie is perhaps better in these circumstances than the truth. If your friend is really having a hard time she won't be ready to accept that others are suffering too.
Maybe when she's having a better day or two you could find an excuse to talk to her, letting her know that others have troubles too. It might even give her something to focus on other than herself.
2007-01-26 04:12:06 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dealin wth depression is a hard thing to do on your own, and i congratulate you for being there for your friend in previous times. I also understand how hard it must be for you, trying to be there for her while maintaining you r own life is a tough thing to juggle. I would suggest you sit her down and tell her that the way she is feeling/acting is not only affecting her, but those around her. You should tell her that she needs to see someone to deal with this on a professional level, because you could never forgive yourself if something ever happened to her because you couldnt be there. Tell her that even if she doesnt love herself enough to do it, then to do it for you. Help her find a professional to help her. IF this doesnt get through to her, then you can rid yourself of any guilty feelings, you did your best, but if she doesnt WANT to get better then u cant make her.
2007-01-26 03:06:02 · answer #5 · answered by SN 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
That doesnt make you a bad friend at all. you said yourself you're usually always there for her, its just that this time you had other things on your mind and you needed a bit of space from her, and thats ok. personally i think your a better friend than she is anyway............i know you say she's having a tough time but it seems like everythings about her. your there when she needs you and you listen and help her right? but does she do the same for you? dont make yourself feel bad sweetie, you havent done anything wrong, she should be grateful to have a friend like you x x
2007-01-26 03:04:43 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Its about time you took some time for your self! Sure,its one thing to have depression & thaught of sucide now & again but there is also such thing as people using that as an excuse just to get everybodys attention or to get you feel sorry for them,I was diganosed as Bi-polar/Manic-depressive & also Anexity Disorder more than 15 yrs. ago (Im now 38) I have beeen on different medications,hospitalized,thought about suside(never tried,never threantend too!) It is hard,Ill be the first to tell you,but a person (like myself) has to overcome it "to an extint" "you have to be strong!" And more than anything,dont wine about it,every once & a while is alright to confide in a friend/companion so go ahead tell a little white lie once in a while!
2007-01-26 03:13:43 · answer #7 · answered by swt-bby-gl-69 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't feel guilty or bad about not wanting to meet her. We all need some time to step back from things, especially from a friend (who if you don't mind me saying) sounds like a bit of a drama queen. It also sounds like its a very one dimensional friendship - you seem to be the one doing all the running and listening, is she ever there for you when you're feeling low? By the sound of things she isn't. I don't think you have anything to feel bad about.
2007-01-26 20:44:30 · answer #8 · answered by Daisy the cow 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
you need to get her into counselling to deal with her way of looking at life and help her deal with that you can also look at her eating habits, whether she is depressed because of that. A good daily vitimin can help with mood and outlook on life.
you can question why she says life is hard and see what you can do there. romantic problems, help her get out and meet new people. Self esteem problems, do and say things to help her build up her self esteem. She may even be agoraphobic but couselling is the way these possible things can be explored.
2007-01-26 03:11:11 · answer #9 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It is fine to have done what you did. All you needed was some time and space to tackle problems of your own, while not taking on troubles of your friend. It is difficult to be of help when you your self have problems. You have been an excellent friend so far. But needing some space sometimes is very understandable & you shouldn't be hard on your self for wanting that space & time.
2007-01-26 03:12:40 · answer #10 · answered by Kk 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋