Am I selfish?

Question

I have a fiance and we have been together for 3 years we are supposed to get married this summer. Lately I have been having second thoughts about the marriage. I sometimes feel that we are not compatible. I do love him very much but he likes to stay home and do nothing to where I like getting out there and I also want to start traveling. when I try to talk to him about my feelings he typically gets mad and wont speak to me for hours after. We also have different views on children, i am ready and he wont be for a very long time. To make a long story short I just dont think we are compatible anymore. Can someone give me advice on how to talk to him or break things off and how I can get him to really listen to me?

Answer 1

i think you are better going to a therapist and relating your emotions in front of someone else might be easier to express maybe it would help your relationship maybe not you don't have much to loose do it soon****

Answer 2

Sweety, please do not stress it more then you have to. He loves you and you love him. Maybe getting married is a rush and that is why you being so negative on your views about him. I am engaged too and i know we are a little different too which makes it even better because opposites attract. He likes to stay home and it is not bad. Look at it like that you are saving some money. But once in a while bring something up that he may like. Not no museum but cyber game bar so you can play some video games. He will not say no. trust me and you get to keep him out of the house. When it comes to you being bitchy and argue with him then of course he will shut down to himself, probably leave to another room or even leave the house for few hours. Look at it like that it may not be a bad idea. Sometimes when people argue they getmad and say half of the things they regret so it is not bad to close out for few hours to let the things cool down and then talk stuff out. And just because of that you break off with him. I believe, truly believe that you acting this way because you know you gettin married this summer. Maybe you just have to talk to him about postponing it before you make a mistake. Or at least try to get things straight between you two before you even call the day for marriage. Good luck and please dont ruch your decisions. 3 years is a long time and all these things you went though just given up on so fast.

Answer 3

No you are not being selfish* You are trying to talk to the man you love* and he gets angry and stops speaking to you for hours. That's rediculous* No one deserves to be treated that way. You should be glad this is a blessing as you now see him for who he really is* A different person than the one you first met...so it's a good thing you're not married with children...You should be able to Communicate about anything with the one you love* You may have different views, but if the Communication is there you can talk things through...with this fellow...it seems like he would rather take the "silent" way out.....which never works* time to move on* Takecare and goodluck*

Answer 4

It's a good idea to get councelling before you get married; it helps to be able to talk things out with an unbiased party before you get married. Find a councellor you feel comfortable with and who you can be yourself with.

Sometimes it's a good thing when people are opposites because it helps to balance the relationship. In my marriage (I got married a little over a year ago), I like to stay home and my husband likes to go out. But, you have to learn to compromise. It's not so important that you two like to do the same things as it is that you recognize what makes the other person happy and try to accomodate that, even if it means that you might not get to do what you want to do.

The children thing is another issue. We're in a similar boat there. My husband already has 2 children, so he's not in a hurry for more, but I don't have any of my own, so of course I'm ready now. So, our compromise was that we'd wait about 2 years before we had children of our own. Have you asked him to give you a specific time on when he would like to have children, and not just "not for a very long time"?

From your icon, I take it you're African-American; even if you're not, you should read "How to Love a Black Man" by Ronn Elmore. It really helps to understand how to communicate with men in general; they truly speak another language.

Anyway, good luck with your decision, and do what's in your heart.

LA

Answer 5

Well like they say opposites attract, sure you think you don't have much in common, but ask yourself this question would you want to be married to yourself, if the answer is yes then just simply use the most common method of breaking up these day which is text message him.

But remember one thing, you mentioned that you want to do things outside the house, travel and your ready to have kids. Well darling the moment you have a child the freedom of going doing stuff outside and traveling will only become a dream. Unless you become like one of those mother who does not care who is raising your child, because all you care about is yourself and your freedom. Do your fiance a favor, don't marry him, you still need some time to grow up.

Answer 6

The fact that you are making the effort to talk to him is a step in the right direction. However, if he gets upset or won't talk then there's not much you can do.

If your having second thoughts now, then don't get married. Sure it might hurt now, but in the long run you will see that you made the right choice. Trust me a divorce will be more difficult financially and emotionally.

As for breaking it off, just be short and to the point. Best of luck.

Answer 7

I am sorry to hear that things are so rough for you right now. It sounds like you are in different places right now and want different things. You are right to be having second thoughts but it doesn't make things easier. If you still love him and want to work things out set him down and discuss not argue about how you feel. Point out the differences and see if he sees what you do. Tell him you would like more time to be able to learn how to deal with these difference and find a way to come together. But if the feelings are no longer there and you're on such different ends of the spectrum then tell him how you feel and go your seperate ways. Things like this are never easy and it is very hard to remain friends but it is the fair and right thing to do. My dad used to tell me the hardest things to do in life are the right ones. I used to think he was wrong but the longer I live the more I go through I know he was right. Goodluck

Answer 8

you have to break things off and he will either agree to talk with you about your differences and resolve them or you will find someone who is more compatible. if you really are incompatible, you will end up apart at some point so it is a question of whether you want to feel the lose now or the hurt after you are married and it doesn't work out! I assume you are living together and it is probably just a convenience for him and not love or he would be willing to discus those things with you and not get mad when you bring them up.

Answer 9

After three years of a relationship you should know if you are compatable or not. I think that you are pretty much convinced that you are not and that is really good to know. Don't get married to him thinking that things are going to change and he is going to be more willing to compromise because it usually doesn't happen. I was engaged 3 times before I finally got married and I realized that if I was compromising myself and likes and dislikes as much as I was it wasn't the right person for me. Take this as a learning experience and move on. If it was meant for engagement to be permanent it would be called marriage. Sit down and talk to him one day when you are not mad or fighting and express to him what you want in your life and see if he is willing to give you that, not just say it but actually do it. If he is set in his ways, it takes a lot to get out of them and threatening to leave is not going to get you anywhere so just see where he stands and then make your decision to leave or to stay. After three years it will be extremely hard to leave and stay gone because of the comfort level, but remember that you are doing this for you and your wellbeing and in the long run it will be worth it and you will eventually find that perfect someone for you. You can't make someone be who you want they have to want to be that person too.

Answer 10

No, you are not being selfish. It sounds as if the two of you simply will not be compatible and unless you are willing to forget your feelings, disaster is waiting. I would suggest that you tell him that even though you love him, you are no longer convinced that the two of you would make a good match and want to end the engagement and move on with your lives. Wish him the best of luck and don't tell him about all his faults. Obviously, he doesnt want to hear them and I am sure you don't want to hear yours either. You will both be better off with someone else. Good luck.

Answer 11

First of all, men do not like talking about feelings. It's not something we deal with as easily or openly as women. When women want to talk about their feelings all the time, it really turns men off and drives them away.

But on the other hand, you're not being selfish. Perhaps you need a man more willing to put up with your constant discussions of feelings.

It's best you break this off now before you marry and later need to divorce.