Story in a nutshell: My daughter's birth father left the state (MI) and went to Georgia when my daughter was 6 months old. I initiated a child support case within a week of him leaving town.
Since then, some child support was sent (wages garnished, liens were placed on a couple of his tax refunds). It was barely enough to cover half her day care for a month let alone anything else....! Last payment we received was in 2002.
Since then, I tried to locate him but couldn't, and the GA Child Support Enforcement agency could not locate him either. He owes us about $16.5K. No attempt on his part has been made to contact us in over 5 years.
Well, he popped out of the woodwork recently and got in touch with me. He is still in GA and wants to reinstate his child support, claiming he has "matured" and wants to have contact with "his daughter". Needless to say, I have not welcomed him with happy open arms. He claims I am being difficult but I really don't want my daugher hurt..(continued)
2007-01-26 02:26:47 · 17 answers · asked by Rach 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
...He says he wants to send her things and he wants her to know who he is.
All my daughter knows about him at this point is that she has a birth father out there somewhere. It was hard, but I have not poisoned her mind with horror stories about his deadbeat, undependable ways. My question is....HOW do I go about explaining all of this to her and prepare her for potention disappointment? Is there anyone else out there who reunited their child with an absentee parent after so many years? Mainly I just don't want her to get hurt by this guy. He's a complete stranger to her. I just don't know how I want to bring the subject up that he's been located and might be in contact with her. PS: She's 9.
2007-01-26 02:30:09 · update #1
LOL @ Alpha_Troll....man (woman?), you missed my point. My question was asking how you would handle mentioning and introducing this stranger in to my daughter's life. It was nothing to do with money and not being able to "afford" her. With that, we always got by and my daughter never went without - but HE helped create this child, so 5 years without support or contact to me is UNACCEPTABLE, period.
Anyway, on to the subject - there is a support order but NO visitation order. He will have to fight for that because I sure won't. In case anyone is not aware, support and visitation are two *totally* different issues of the court. Just because support is sent does not mean the non-custodial parent has "rights" to visit the child and vice-versa. If he is not paying, but has a support order, not letting him visit would put me in contempt of court.
Anway, mainly I was looking for ideas/advice on how to handle this with my daughter and hear others' experiences with similar situations :)
2007-01-26 02:58:33 · update #2
This is a very hard question to give advise on, but I will try my best to help you out. First off, after all of these years a person can mature and become a good person, but in your case it is very hard to accept because of the hurt factor. My advise is to get him correct with the child support and the back child support that he owes and let him prove to you that he has matured by taking financial resposibility first. After this is done or pretty much done you can ease him into your daughters life slowly. It isn't easy to deal with an ex, especially when they do something stupid like he did, but if he proves himself mature let him have the opportunity to be part of your daughters life. If you have another man who she accepts as a father figure, it will add more problems to the situation, but remember anyone can make a child but it takes a real man to raise one. I was on the other end of the spectrum, I adopted my daughter when I married her mother because her dead beat sperm donor didn't want to have anything to do with her. I say if he proves to you that he has changed and is ready to take on that responsibility only you know when the time is right. I wouldn't let your daughter know about it yet because you could end up giving her some good new and him not follow through. Let this take its course and when the time is right get your daughter involved. He may have just had a weak moment and grew nostalgic for what used to be, but won't do anything else after the phone call. Good luck and my prayers are with you.
2007-01-26 02:47:23 · answer #1 · answered by drknowitall 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
It seems that he does have your daughter's interest at heart. Now, that he has grown up some. I understand your feelings toward this man and that is totally understandable. I would suggest that you let him see her and introduce him to your daughter as an old friend of Mommy's that way you can see how he acts with her and your daughter doesn't have to know he is her father yet. Explain this and your concerns to him and make him aware that he needs to go along with this set up until you feel that they have formed a close relationship, and you are comfortable that he won't flake out on her in the near or distant future. He needs to understand this. This way you feel you have done everything you can to make your daughter happy. If the relationship works out that's great. If not than it's his loss and you can tell her that mommy's friend went away. Who knows maybe this guy is really changed and will turn out to be a wonderful dad. However, I wouldn't let her go with him alone anywhere until you are sure things are okay. Good luck and give him a chance.
2007-01-26 02:42:09 · answer #2 · answered by Destiny 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He hasn't seen his daughter in 8 years? Hasn't paid child support in 4? He gave up his rights as a parent the MINUTE he walked out the door! Tell him that he needs to start paying child support.
I would talk to your daughter and feel her out. Ask her if she would like to meet her father. How she feels about her father. If she would be interested in meeting with him. Then with no pressure from anyone, maybe you could all meet in a public place for lunch or something.
I think your ex is being very unfair. He left and had no intention of keeping contact with his child or pay for his child. He has been gone for 8 years, not a card, not a word and he thinks he can just walk back in. How selfish.
2007-01-26 02:45:32 · answer #3 · answered by doodles 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i would speak with a lawyer...Your daughter is 9yrs old but still a child. He hasnt made contact in over 5yrs..but he is still the childs father. Perhaps a court could ask what his intentions are?? and set up supervised visits as neither one of you really know this man anymore..he has probably changed in many ways..not sure if theyre for the better or not*~
Be careful........and see what a lawyer says first....then decide if you want to sit your daughter down to explain as best y ou can for her to understand that he may try getting intouch with her, how does she feel about that.....etc*~ Don't just allow him to show up and say Hi im your dad how u doing?? I sooo feel for you and your child right now*~
GoodLUck*
2007-01-26 02:39:23 · answer #4 · answered by friskymisty01 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
i have a 16 year old son, and well he hasnt seen his dead beat dad since he was little.
i would of gotten a lawyer long ago when she was first born and had him sign away his rights so that you wouldnt be in this position.
there are alot of dead beats out there that make the children and dont want nothing to do with them nor do they help support them..its up to us women to be the mother and father...my son quit asking about his father along time ago....
as for your daughter, as i said, talk to a lawyer and see if there is anyway you can protect her, i mean 9 years and he just wants to walk back in like nothing ever happened, i know i sound mean and u will probably get alot of advice to give him a chance, but he had his chance nine years ago and everyday since then to help you with her...you are a good mother and thinking of your child...tell him that.. that you dont want to see her hurt in any way..
good luck...
2007-01-26 02:39:27 · answer #5 · answered by luvutaz1 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately.. he has a right as the father to see her.. Unfortunately there have been no laws set up to protect children from "emotional" pain..of a "Father of Convience" .. meaning a man that likes to drift in and out of a childs life when its convient for him.. My x husband is that way with our kids.. he's seen them 3 times in the last 7 years.. he calls them maybe once every 3 months.. has gone through periods of not paying his child support for months or years at a time.. my youngest son, can take him or leave him, he doesnt really care.. its more like seeing a "good time uncle" more so then a father.. but unfortunately my oldest son..thinks the world of his dad, and gets his hopes up everytime he shows him attention just to get kicked in the teeth over and over when he goes on with his life and leaves him behind..
The best advice i can give u , is to prepare ur daughter.. dont slam her dad, she needs to make her own decisions on how she wants to feel about him since he is her father (well sperm donor) ..but nonetheless she has a right to make her own oppinion of him.. Dont lie..or make him into something he's not.. be honest.. with her.. but delicate of her feelings.. if theres going to be a relationship between them it will be up to him to make sure that happens.. not u, and not ur daughter.. his responsibility.. and at this point because he has been absent pretty much all her life.. he's like a stranger to her, and it will take alot to gain her trust and her love..so if he doesnt step up to the plate.. then he'll never have either from her.. so your daughter is at less risk at this point then alot of kids that loved their father and had a relationship with him , to have him leave and never turn back, then for her not to have any real emotion for him at this point.. if he leaves after only a couple contacts.. she wont get hurt, because she doesnt know him.. or atleast no more hurt then she already is..
Just be honest with her.. talk to her as much as u can.. but dont put ur personal feelings in the way of her's and his relationship.. (only ends up making u the bad guy) ..
Id have a long talk with the father, and let him know how u feel.. as far as if he's going to do this he has to be in it for the long haul.. because if this is a fly by night feeling of guilt and he's going to move on, then thats only going to hurt her worse.. but do what u can to talk to both and to try and take a deep breath and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst..
2007-01-26 02:43:15 · answer #6 · answered by brwneyedgrl 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
you can explain to him that he has to show that he is sincere but if is wants to make up the back child support he may be sincere and you need to give him at least a chance. If your daughter is old enough to understand, tell her that grown ups sometimes make mistakes and he made one. some 9 year old children are old enough to understand and others you may have to wait until she is older to have that conversation. I hope for your sake and your daughters that he is sincere
2007-01-26 02:42:41 · answer #7 · answered by Al B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
first, i would seek some legal counsel. there are probably agencies that will give you legal counsel on based on your income, first appt is probably free.
i would be honest with her. tell her her birth dad has contacted you. let her know a little of your concerns, but do not say alot of negative stuff. tell her that he wants to get to know her, ask her how she feels about meeting him. tell her you are a bit nervous, because you are not sure how long he intends on staying around, but it might be nice to meet with him.
because you aren't sure of his true intentions, and he needs to prove himself to you that he will not just disappear on her again, i would start the visits short, and supervised, and see how she feels. he needs to prove to you that he is being for real. i would keep the visits supervised, and if she is comfortable with this, they can get a little longer. always talk to her about the visits, if you can, i would be the one supervising the visits.
if his intentions are true, he will not mind this arrangement, will understand.
i wish you and your little girl the best of luck.
people do grow up sometimes, but for her sake, go with your gut, get legal counsel and hopefully things will work out for you.
blessings
2007-01-26 02:39:32 · answer #8 · answered by darlin12009 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really want to protect her, take him to court. If you haven't already gotten sole custody then go for it. Yes parents have rights but after being absent so long they should be terminated. On the other hand though, if he is willing to cooperate and be apart of her life, you have to let him if you don't have sole custody because if he decided to take you to court, you denying him visitation won't look good. Good luck and I know it's a mothers job to protect our kids but she is 9, explain to her what you want her to know but let her decide if she wants to meet him or not...
2007-01-26 02:35:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
Hmmm Very difficult. Geez I would wait until she started asking questions If she hstarts asking questionstry to tell her in language she understands. I would reccommend talking to the guy first though Warning though if he disappears again and reappears at a later tim protect your child from that behavior
2007-01-26 02:33:55 · answer #10 · answered by BamaJJP 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋