Need some help with my wife; Continued/ Part 2?

Question

Cliff notes of my marriage: See other postings to get the most information #1 post “Will My Wife Turn into my mother-in-law?” #2 post “Need some help with my wife” Both posted today 01/25/2007.
My wife has depression which I found out(she knew) after the I do’s Wife has continues to lie, steal, deny, be stubborn, difficult, (on things that made no sense) and maybe cheat (not sure on that one) I have two step children, she’s been married twice, my first time. Treat them very good. She moved from the south to the NE where my job is. Within a month noticed my wife undermining the me/ family. So much that my step daughter underwent counseling for depression (cutting, “can only be happy in the south” her mom’s doing, and unsure of her sexual orientation. Spent thousands but, she worth it I was to work & she was to be the home keeper (One of our pre-marriage agreements) did the opposite till I said OK to her working ,now doesn’t want to work(and isn’t) Gave her plenty of cash & a credit card for emergencies. Used that card 15 to 30 times a month for 10 months (till she gave it back/ I said enough, I was very kind and loving) all while I am tending to my terminally sick mom (Talk about blind sided). Went through many more card methods nothing worked (no trust/keeps lying & stealing in other ways to) Find out that I have been supporting my mother-in-law during that time and funding my wife’s secret bank account. Within 6 months, M-I-L hit me up directly for money (which I gave to her) and later found out she expected monthly handouts because I have a good job.(wife denies all)
Found out I was going to lose my job in a couple months (airline down cycle) she refused to get a full time job cause “I don’t want to do any of those jobs” Said it will be temporary and let’s keep the kids(hers) in private school and keep the house. Still wouldn’t get a job. Sold my motorcycle, golf club membership and my SUV to lead the cutbacks. She demanded new furniture while I downsized. Luckily I found a job. Said she could have a reversal (before marriage) not true .Feel really doped on that one, I’m sure she knew that). Don’t think I want kids w/ her now There’s been some good times, she is nice looking , can be a sweetheart, sex is good, my family all likes her (but they don’t know any of this). Just this week found out that my wife also has secret PO Box, she got 3 more cards in her name, pays her cards debt w/ my (families) money. I could write about her behavior for hours. I would kindly forgive all this stuff but it keeps on happening. It’s been bottled up for years except for our two councilors. I’m afraid nothing is working. I’d also like my own children. Do I stay in this mess?

Answer 1

IBelieve gave you a good suggestion. I'm an atty, but also a mediator and I've been mediating divorce cases for about 15+ years. Everyone gave you the right advice. You've got to get out. I'd add the lying is really the worst offense. You cannot ever trust her. She has mental issues a lot greater than depression. If you don't have honesty in your marriage, you've got nothing. She sure isn't the only person who's good in bed, either. Following up on IBelieve, again--write all this down. It could save you a lot of money in potential alimony. If she has a recent work history, her chances of getting alimony are very slim. No child support issues if you didn't adopt the children. If you divorce, don't fight over the small stuff. Fight over the retirement and the house if necessary, but let her have most of the furniture and personal belongings (unless something has special sentimental value to you.) What you owned before marriage remains your separate property and she can't touch that. Hopefully, you live in a "no fault" divorce state. If you do, you don't have to prove anything to get a divorce. The debts could be a problem in a community property state. They could reflect on your credit rating. Spend a little money and see an atty to get a handle on what's facing you if you divorce. It sounds like you have more to gain than to lose. You might even get visitation with the step-children. Your Court would decide that based upon what is in the best interests of the children. The only other solution I can think of is a long term committment to a mental health facility to deal with this myriad of issues, but that's a big expense that your insurance may not cover. It also will not help unless she wants it. Good luck.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

after knowing all this how could u stay with her? unfortunately there is no answer but the one u don't want to hear, if u want a life without all this mess u will have to get rid of the problem and start a new life. this woman is not appreciative, she doesn't see how lucky she is, doesn't care if she ruins u financially, and u have to give up everything to take care of her wants. eventually u will see it but maybe it will be later in life, where there aren't as many opportunities as there are now. eventually if it continues like this u will have to leave it, so why not get it over with and leave a situation u are not going to be able to ever change. if she won't work, and help u and if she is conniving and getting credit cards behind your back that will only ruin your credit, and hurt u. no one can tell u what to do, but personally i would get out of this, your trying to change her, and sometimes habits are so ingrained in people that they can't change, because that was the way they were raised and that is what they saw out of their role model. if u have kids with her, u will never be able to get away from this, takes alot more than being nice looking to make a marriage, takes honesty, compassion, integrity, and some character, get out while u still can, and beware of her next move as she probably has alot more tricks up her sleeve.

Answer 4

i cant justify why your wife would do any of this... but if this is becoming so horrible for you then i recommend getting out. If you honestly love your wife and want to work through this than ALL the lies have to come out in the open there is no reason for all the lies NONE at all. That isnt a marriage...... marriage is about trust and love. Maybe try seperate bank accounts, DONT hand her ANY money at all. U pay the bills, U grocery shop, U do anything that has to do with finances including putting gas in your vehicle. She will HAVE to go out and get a job when she cant pay for her stuff. MAKE sure your name isnt on any of those cards!

Answer 5

if everything you say is true, then no, I wouldn't stay in the mess.....you've been generous & forgiving, but she will RUIN you financially and you will always be resentful. You should offer her pretty much everything, the house, alimony, car, whatever you can, and then GET OUT and stop giving to her, she's got a problem, an illness, and unless she gets serious help, it's not going to stop. That's just my opinion, but it sounds like morally you don't feel right leaving her, but I don't know how else you could possibly get all the lying, stealing, etc. to end or to NOT ruin you. AND the only plus is that you DON'T have kids now together....why would you want to make babies with someone so messed up?

Answer 6

No way!!! She has real problems and if she wont address them then there isn't much you can do except A. continue to be an ATM for her and her mom or B. stand up for what is right and realize you deserve to be treated the way you treat her. As for the her kids, you have been a good influence on them, you should talk with them and let them know that you want things to work out but if there mom isn't will to love you and treat you the way a partner should be treated then you must leave, give them a number you can be reached at and try to be there if they need you. You will be showing them how to value yourself and not settle for any thing less than what you deserve. Good luck.

Answer 7

Ok so it has been stated that she is a nut job and will probably ruin you financially yet we are all forgetting his vows
for better of for worse
through sickness and in health
for richer or poorer
all too often people jump straight to the conclusion of divorce thinking it will solve everything well i say work it out get her professional help.

Answer 8

Kick her to the curb, she obviously doesn't love you, she loves your money any sane wife wouldn't do this to their husband, why would you want to stay with someone that is gonna break you and leave you with nothing, and do not have no kids with her because then if you were to get a divorce you would be paying child support through the nose your a fool if you stay.

Answer 9

Get out of this relationship. It is only going to get worse! Run do not walk away TODAY!!!! If you don't then do not come back here complaining. The writting is on the wall, she is using you just as she did the other two husbands.

Answer 10

Two HEALTHY people need to be involved for the marriage to work. She is obviously NOT healthy. The only thing you can do for her is to get a divorce.