I have been married for 6 months and love my husband dearly. I would do anything in the world for him. He treats me with the utmost respect. I couldn't have asked for a better man. He is from Senegal (Africa) and has only lived in the US for less than 3 years. The problem is, he doesn't know how to be romantic. Their cultrure is EXTREMELY different from ours. I am a very romantic woman. I love to do things for him. I have told him the things that I like but it seems as though he really doesn't understand. Can anyone give me some advice on how I can "teach" him our ways on how to be romantic? Maybe it's just too soon and I should just wait it out? Whatever suggestions anyone can give will be helpful. Thanks.
2007-01-25 13:20:36 · 13 answers · asked by QDPie 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
From a woman who married one of the men who just don't get romance...
You're not going to change him. Instead, change your perception. My DH doesn't buy me roses, but he scrapes the ice off my windshield when there's 6" of snow outside. He doesn't buy me diamonds, but brought me home the most beautiful salvage window for my living room because I'd mentioned seeing one that I liked a few weeks ago. He doesn't take me out to dinner often (ok, hardly ever), but when my son is sick and we both have to be at work in the AM, he'll stay up and let me sleep.
Like I said, you can't make him a romantic. But you can start seeing the things that he DOES do because he loves you. Those are the ways he's showing you his love, and he probably can't understand why you don't see them for the revealing gestures they're meant to be... and instead you wonder why there's no roses and champagne.
2007-01-25 13:31:44 · answer #1 · answered by ~StepfordWife~ 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I am wondering how in the world you fell in love and married a man that is lacking such a critical part of what you are looking for in a relationship. I don't think you can truly train someone to be romantic in the way you want and/or need them to be...he is a man, not a dog that needs training! And why would you even want to "train" him as being romantic should come naturally and in different ways depending upon how your mate is wired. Wouldn;t you always wonder if he was doing things genuinely or because you were telling him to do them? Dropping your hints are a good help I am sure...but you can't fault him for not being romantic in the way you want him to be...and this is obviously something you should have seen/realized before marrying him.
2007-01-25 13:29:04 · answer #2 · answered by chick33 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the other lady who said you need to see the love in what he does for you. Here's a little hint. Write him a short note telling him a few things that you like about it. Example.... how you enjoyed it when his thigh brushed up against your thigh in passing. Or when he rolls over in bed and wraps his leg around you. Just find anything and let him know just how much you like it. He WON'T be romantic if you ask. You have to make him think it is his doings. You just need to tell him how good it feels when he does things. My husband was born here... I begged for the romance, and have found that if I tell him and sometimes stretch it further than it really was, I tend to find that the next time it is my husbands hand brushing my thigh in passing. Eventually he will do more, just takes time and patience. Sometimes I will leave him a note to check his e-mail telling him how wonderful and kind he is, with the "passing" gestures. Perhaps if you try this, your husband will e-mail you back and let you know what you do that makes him tingle. Good luck and best wishes on a loving marriage.
2007-01-25 16:17:08 · answer #3 · answered by Jackie 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Congrats in your marriage!
You may want to let him know how you would like him to show his romance to you. He is new with this, especially with different culture backgrounds. He is still a newbie to your culture. So you need to either show him how to be romantic physically, or you can find books on 'how to(s)', that will help him get started.
If he can read English, then he shouldn't have any problems learning how to be romantic. There are many self-help books on line too.
The best way to teach him how to be romantic is, that you show him yourself. Show him how you can be romantic with him. It is like a new job. "Hands on". Keep showing him until he becomes acquainted to your needs. Don't be surprise if he shows you differently....that is his way of showing you. Before you know it, he will be a professional in romance to you! Just give him some time and help him a little. Otherwise, you initiate it first, he may finish the rest! (smile)
I would consider on both of you reading this book called, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage". This will help you both with your marriage. Good luck in your romance!
2007-01-25 13:39:28 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Congratulations on your marriage! It sounds like he's a great guy.
Aside from what the others have suggested, I would maybe recommend reading a book together called "The Five Love Languages." It talks about how everyone has their own unique "love language" and about how you and your spouse can best express your love to one another by recognizing and speaking that particular language.
Like the poster who mentioned how her husband showed his love by scraping the ice off her windows, etc. His love language is probably Acts of Service. That's the language he understands and that is how he feels comfortable expressing his love, even though his spouse may have an entirely different love language. But once he learns what her love language is, he would be better able to express his love in a way that might be more meaningful to her.
Here's the amazon link with the reviews: http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languages-Heartfelt-Commitment/dp/1881273156/sr=1-1/qid=1169780559/ref=pd_bbs_1/103-3511958-1075863?ie=UTF8&s=books
It will explain it better than I can.
2007-01-25 14:12:49 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
Give him some time. You keep doing the special things that you do and soon he will learn by watching. Your actions will speak louder than words. So be the special person you are and keep doing the special things you do. It's hard to change when you are brought up with different ways. So time will change him as he grows to understand how you like special things also. Time will change him as he learns to appreciate you just for being you. Time will change him as he loves to do for you in a way he's never done before. Time will change him as he gives to you what he had inside of him all the time but had to learn how to express himself from the heart. Give him some time and he will give you all that is within him. Once he truly understand his love will be shown to you in ways you have never thought. The sun will set in his heart and time will have given you all that your heart has desired.
2007-01-25 13:55:38 · answer #6 · answered by relationcounseling 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him to be romantic in any way he can. Ask him to leave you a card of something for you just to show how much he cares about you. Tell him to give you a hug when you would least expect it. First of all, don't rush him too quickly. Just say something like "Valentine's Day is coming up and you could give me roses and candy for that special occasion." You want to tell him and let him remember it, so it won't be hard for him to get it right the next time!! Good luck!!!
2007-01-25 13:28:46 · answer #7 · answered by To Remain Anonymous 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Be romantic to him and he will more then likely return the romance back to you... you can be his teacher in this. Hold his hand and just spend time with him doing what he likes to do... Romance the socks off of him... Trust me he will like it and learn fast. Love him where he is at and be patient with him.
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
http://www.marriagebuilders.com
2007-01-25 13:28:16 · answer #8 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Heres my sugestion, dont try to change him. Look for romance in the everyday stuff he does for you. Just because YOU are a romantic person does not mean he has to be.
2007-01-25 13:27:52 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
What is his idea of being romantic? Maybe you're not used to his romance?
Ha ha...sounds like a comedy. I can almost picture it.
2007-01-25 14:11:25 · answer #10 · answered by ? 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋