me and my husband been together for 9 yrs. and he had an affair and he made a baby should we stay together.?

Question

This is the first time he steped out of our marriage, I had also told him that I had an affair too because I wanted him to hurt like I hurt. It has been almost a hole year since this happen. It still hurts like it just happen yesterday I just can't get over the fact that he was having an affair for about a year. And I didn't have no idea. One day I feel so good like he is my soul mate and the other days I feel like I deserve somebody that is going to be with me and only me. Should I stay with him and make it work,and give him one more chance?

Answer 1

only you can answer this but i will try to guide you in things to consider.

love is a combination of lust, respect, and trust. have all 3 and your marriage is good, have 2 and there is still a chance, have only one...MOVE ON NOW.

1) is there still lust?

2) do you still respect him? do you think he still respects you? do you always feel as if everything he does is done without considering your feelings?

3) do you trust him? do you still catch him in lies? is he still wanting to do guy things with his buddies or go places without you?: DO YOU HONESTLY FEEL HE IS GOING TO BE FAITHFUL, or do you feel like he is saying whatever he has to just to get you off his back?


think it over and decide if this realtionship still has the ability to be healthy, or is the deceit going to eat at you like cancer?

Answer 2

Yes you should forgive him and let bygones be bygones so it won't torment you. However, you don't have to be with him unless you truly believe you can handle it. See, love is crazy and is driven by emotion. Love is more an action than a feeling even though all the emotions are stirring you up when he is around or when you think about it. In other words, we all come to the point where we start to doubt our marriage and spouse. Don't let those emotions control you your action because these emotions are fleeting. However, in your case, I don't think I would stay in the marriage only because it feels like your trust in him has died and because I know all about servicemen!! I dated one and am currently married to one. My husband has never cheated on me before (mainly because he lack the skills and is antisocial lol) but there are sooo many people who DO cheat like my ex boyfriend. It is almost a lifestyle especially when they go on deployments or tdy. At the end of the day, the decision is yours. We can't tell you what to do. You need to see if you can handle it. Ask yourself if in the past 9 months, things are just getting worse and worse.

Answer 3

IMO it partially depends on what prompted him to go outside of his marriage in the first place, especially since it went on for a whole year. Good gosh that requires some major effort with all the sneaking around and careful moves to avoid being caught.

And that's not to even mention subduing any feelings of guilt or moral misgivings. I'm only saying that a whole year is an awful long time for it to be considered just a "mistake" or a moment of bad judgement or lack of restraint. That takes a lot of planning and effort to pull off and not even get suspected.

It raises the question in my mind of whether or not you mean as much to him as he means to you. My suggestion is that you give him a chance to tell you what he was thinking while he was doing this for so long before you decide. Allow him to be open and honest!

Answer 4

It's been an entire year and you are still on this decision?

Please, sister, do you self a favor and make up your mind. If you are to keep him at all, justice must be swift and to the point. Waffling back and forth for a year sends the message that you are to be walked on.

If it were me and I really cared for the guy I would give him one chance and only one chance but by now I would have no questions as to whether this was working or not.

I would put him out of my room and out of my heart and make him earn his way back in, an inch at a time. If the progress were not pretty quick and the trust beginning to return by now it would be out the door with his sorry behind.

Take your life in your hands and make it right in your heart. Don't let him make you feel so vulnerable. He should be at your beck and call, begging for every consideration and you should have no questions by now of his intentions.

Answer 5

Do you love him? That is the only question. If you loved
him enough to marry him, then you have got to tell him
why his having an affair hurt you.
You want your husband to love only you. At least you
know what it is you want. That's what you have to tell him.
No matter how much it might wound his conscience,
you ARE his soul mate, and you are like his very own
soul. When it hurts, he is going to have to hear from
you how much it hurts, and why it hurts still.
You already know the answer to your own question.
Because he is like your very own soul, also.
He's probably guilt-ridden. His beliefs about marital
fidelity have been put through a shredder.
He should have to tell you what he needs from you.
He's the one in need. He needs you.
Now more than ever. Because he is like your very soul,
what ever he needs, that is what you need, and vice versa.

Answer 6

Ask yourself this - do you want to be married to a philanderer with an illegitimate child? Do you really want to be in an unstable marriage with a man you can't trust, who's forever going to have a "babymama" (I shudder to even use that phrase) and a little illegitimate child lurking in the background?

Being married to a man who has an out-of-wedlock child to support can get E X P E N S I V E very fast, and intrusive as well, because that baby is probably going to want more and more from its Daddy as it gets older. Another sad but true fact is that women who give birth to children fathered by their married lovers are after his money, and will do just about anything to keep their sharp, very needy, and extremely competitive teeth sunk into him.

If I were you, I'd call a lawyer and drag the cheatin' bastard into divorce court. A man like this will never learn his lesson, and I predict he'll be making more little financial burdens with other women within the next five years.

Answer 7

Since both of you cheated on each other no matter what
marriage is about forgiving. If you both really and truly
love each other then you can start anew in your marriage
but it will take total un-conditional committment from the
two of you: Life goes on even though something wrong
has happened such as you both cheating on each other.
Since there is a child involved then you have to adjust
to that as he will probably want to interact with the child.
Total committment is needed by both parties becasue if
not then the marriage will never work. Good luck.

Answer 8

You never should have lied to him and told him that you had an affair as two wrongs do not make a right.... If he is truley sorry then yes you should try everything you can do to work on and try to save and restore this marriage but remember this he will have to be a part of the babies life when it is born.

Answer 9

Let me get this straight, he has a baby from an extramarital affair. Wow, not only do youhave to deal with the pain of him cheating but now he is forever going to have this woman in his life since they have a child together. You have a lot to think about. Can you handle what the future holds, because it will be tough.

Answer 10

You may be able to make it work, but, honestly, I doubt it. Once trust is broken, it is hard to get back.

If you do try to make it work, I can guarantee, if you listen to Sweet 16 about snooping, it will fail. if you have to do that, there is no trust, and you might as well move one. If not, you are just prolonging the inevitable.

I do not believe in second chances. If someone cheats, they are gone. I know I will never be able to trust them again. I know I could not function and be happy in that type of relationship, so it would be ended.