If your husband tells you after 9 yrs of marriage he has another child the same age as yours what would u do?

Question

I meant my husband in 1989 and by 1991 we had our first child. After giving birth to our son I found out he was seeing another woman and she too was pregnant and gave birth weeks after I gave birth. I left him after finding out this information and told him I could not build a relationship with him if the child was his. He continued to deny the child was his, but I left anyway. About a year later of no contact we decided to hook back up. I questioned him at that time if the child was his and he still denied the child. So we got back together had another child and got married. Nine years into our marriage I found out the child is his. I'm having a hard time accepting this child. The child is not the issue, but what she represents is the problem. I want to leave him because she will always be there reminding me of the other relationship, but then my children lose their family. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should this not be an issue since it was before our marriage?

Answer 1

Thank him for his confidence in you, his trust and honesty..

But the past is the past, whatever you feel, life continues it's up to you as a person, yourself can you move on from this? Me I prefer open, honesty.. If you have doubts now, after so many years of marriage, then there's other things on your mind? The time you was apart he was not your property or concern and visa versa, what if the shoe was on the other foot? Would he stay with you, do you think he would? now question yourself about how you would feel if the situation was reversed. If you have trust, faith in each other..

I am in a similar situation, look at what you have now, look at the good, positive things that you have as an individual, as a couple and as a family. I have to deal with another child thats not my own, but not directly I treat her as I would any child, respectfully, with care and doing fun things, along with my own two children but when it boils down to it, I know the 'other' child is not mine, but does that mean as a good-hearted, caring parent and human I should totally ignore the child? No.. Acceptance is the key..

Can you Accept this, and still treasure and feel good about the family Unit you have, and the relationship with your Husband..?

Answer 2

I'd be devastated. I am sorry. I understand about keeping your family together, If it were me honestly it would hurt me so much and don't know if I would continue or except the child.And 9 years thats alot of time together and too much has happened to just let it go because the past came to haunt your husband. Its for a reason, maybe. But its up to you. It's the fact that he has lied you took him back once before when it was new and he had cheated on you. There has always been that possibility so, I guess you should keep your family together and come out of this situation the best you can. It will just take you time. I wish the best.
Peace.

Answer 3

Nine years of marriage is tough to walk away from. As far as your feelings for the child, you are justified for feeling the way you do. I'm happy that you aren't upset at the child. You recognized that she is an innocent party: She didn't ask to be born. However, what she represents and how you feel about that representation of her is justifiable as well. My issue would be with your husband. If he denied the child which I cannot respect anyone doing, and knew full well it was his, personally I couldn't trust him. Ask yourself this:

How happy will you truly be if you stay in your marriage having this new information under your belt?

You also say that this is before your marriage. If you were BF and GF at the time he did what he did, your marriage shoud not have happened. That's my opinion.

Answer 4

I think it's easy to blurt out an answer like "Dump him! He lied!" True, and he needs to own up to that.

But the fact is that you have a family to be concerned about. I can't tell you if you should or shouldn't leave him; that's going to be your call.

It sounds corny, but I suggest you make a list of your courses of action and their pros and cons about each scenario and evaluate what is more important to you.

Will you make a sacrifice for your otherwise happy family, stay and seek therapy for yourself? Will you find a way to leave and create a new family life for your kids? Do you learn to forgive and forget?

My opinion?
I know it's hard to live with your husband's indiscretion, but don't take it out on your kids. Has you husband been a good father to them? This was an issue that started from before your marriage and maybe it's time to let it go. But if he cheats again, you should not feel bad about leaving after you've given him a second chance.

Answer 5

I think once gone somewhere sexually, there's a possibility, you both need more, or keep at this to keep stuff interesting between you. If he has a go at you over looking at men, or them looking at you - and both doing nothing, can you imagine how much grief you could really get if it happened for real? You say you don't mind him messing around with another man if its done safely. I wonder why you mention this? Has he expressed an interest, would he be more interested looking at him rather than you? I personally think having sex with a man or woman is being unfaithful but f you don't, that's cool. Does your jealousy only include other women? Maybe hes testing you to see if you would go with another man? Then accuse you of all sorts? There are so many questions but all need to be answered by one person. Him. If your planning on sharing your bodies with another person, being comfortable with mind questions with each other surely must be just as easy. If not and you go ahead without the answers, you may feel dirty, used, jealous, all sorts. If someone else is going to be involved keep it fun with the physical part. Not just an added argument fuel to be added to what you describe as already a rather dramatic argument fueled relationship? And as you say, you don't really want your children to overhear you arguing over sexual partners. I sure wouldn't like it.

Answer 6

Wasn't it a big issue with you when you found out that he got another woman pregnant and isn't that one of the reasons you left him.So why are you second guessing yourself if it was a issue then,then it is still an issue today.Do you think just because the two of you didn't have a piece of paper saying you were married is going to make it any easier for you to deal with what he did to you.The point is he flat out lied to you not to protect you,but to protect himself.This pain he has called you will never go away.Some people will tell you in order to heal you need to forgive him.Fu(k that if it was only that easy but it isn't .This man has broken your heart and has taken the innocence's out of your marriage and because of him your life as you know it will never be the same.You only have two things you can do here ONE you can choose to stay with him and give him the evil eye everyday TWO tell him to leave so you can deal with this on your own without him trying to convince you that it isn't what it looks like.

Answer 7

he has lied to u about it, and u so wanted to believe in him and believing what he was saying was true. it will always be an issue as it showed u he was cheating on u when he fathered the other child. but if he isn't cheating now, and u love him, and your kids need him why leave him now. the child will be there no matter what, so will her mom. but he did choose u over her. there was another relationship and if u want him u have to get over it, have u ever gone through therapy. if u leave him she will have won, she will be with him than. and your kids will be without a dad. u always knew the child could have been his, but were in denial about it. now is not the time to leave not after all these years, its not about the child it is that he cheated on u, and u lost your trust u had for him.

Answer 8

WOW that sucks! It really is a hard call. Do you trust him otherwise? It would be hard on your kids for a divorce but is this going to weigh on your mind all of the time? Maybe counseling could help. If you stay with him, you do need to find a way to accept this other child. This child has been robbed of a dad for too long already.
He should have been honest.

Answer 9

This happened to a cousin of mine he denied having an affair with this woman she moved to another state he thought everything was free and clear then when the girl was 7 she came to his doorstep and demanded child support so they did a DNA his wife got him she told him that she would stay if they filed for full custody of the child and won they did and won she is a wonderful mother to this little girl I'm not saying file for custody I'm saying make your husband show his responsibilities to you and your family but also to his child and show you he wants to do the right thing by you whatever you want counseling or whatever

Answer 10

Your husband has an weakness for deceit - that's really the main issue as far as continuing to grow your marriage. He has proven himself untrustworthy (by being willing to lie over time), and as a result you find it difficult to trust him.

I think that's where you need to think, consider and work (if that's what you choose). Everyone in the family is permanently scarred by divorce, so that's certainly not an option to take lightly. If this child is going to continue to live in your household, you will also need help reconciling the past with true forgiveness, if you so choose to continue.

This certainly is not a small issue, I wish you and your family the best in dealing with this.

Best to you.