What do I do about my mother?

Question

I am 18 and I live with my mom, Under the circumstances i don't have a choice. But she thinks she is my childs mother not her grandmother and she over runs me before i can do anything. She is also a very sensitive over dramatic person. I do not wish to disclose why I can not move out but I can not at least for a few more monthes how do i handle my over bearing mother.

Answer 1

your mother may have a sensitive over-dramatic personality, but you need to sit her down and rationally talk to her about how you feel, rather than short outbursts, or small tense incidents where everyone is uncomfortable. The situation is not going to work in anyone's favor if you are both unhappy, particularly you, being the childs mother. So, make it clear to her that you need to be your child's parent, and though you appreciate the help, you need to grow accustomed to doing so on your own, especially if you are going to be moving out on your own in the upcoming months, otherwise, you may find yourself lost when a situation arises that leaves you unsure of how to handle it...reassure her that you appreciate her help, and that she still has her duties as a grandma, but you are the mother and you need to fulfill your own responsibilities...you can always call mom when you need a hand, but it its your turn and she needs to understand...

Answer 2

Sit down with your mother and have a chat, stating that while you are very grateful for her help and a place to live at this time, there are some things that are bothering you. Tell her that although she is your mother and has rights as your mother, you have the same rights with your child and the fact that she is not giving you the opportunity to make the decisions that you should be making. Say that you realize you will make mistakes, but they are your mistakes to make and now is a special time for you and your child. Say also that you know your mother is very experienced at bringing up children and you are happy for her to make suggestions, but ultimately the final say is your. You also need to point out that circumstances have made it so that you have to stay with your mother, but you need some space to be a mother to your child and if you cannot get that space you will move to a shelter and while you realize that would most likely be difficult for yourself and your child that you are prepared to do that it things don't improve.
You are a mum now and you have to set the rules for grandparents now before they take over completely and you do end up being just like a sister to your own child.

Answer 3

Be firm but as gentle as you can. No use escalating to verbal or physical violence, specially in hearing of the child.

Talk to your mom, when she is calm, at a different time, not waiting until there is a disagreement. "Mom, may I talk with you for a minute?" Make sure to use phrases like "I feel that you (are over-ruling me, disregarding my own role as a mother to my child)" and "It seems to me that (you run me over before I can do anything)." Avoid using phrases or sentences that start with "You" and by no means point or raise your hands or voice. Stay calm, even when you feel she is not listening or caring for your opinion or perception. If she refuses to listen after three attempts, write her a letter, as nicely worded as you can. Keep a copy.

You may wish to get another senior family member to mediate, someone who is not too obviously on your side or hers. Maybe a nun, elder sister of the church or synagogue can assist as a conflict resolution person. Quakers or Buddhists are good at this. Ask some of them for conflict resolver or ombudsperson.

Answer 4

Tell her that you are very happy with all the help in raising your child she is giving you. (Seriously) But you need to start doing a bit more of the parenting so that when you are able to move out on your own you will know how to take care of your child and not have to bother her about every silly little thing.

*Always* fluff up the ego before you nicely ask someone *sensitive* to stop doing something.

Answer 5

She probably still sees you as her baby. And, is probably having a problem seeing you as a responsible adult let alone mother. So, fighting will only reinforce her beliefs. Just be strong and don't show emotion when you talk to her. Talk to her in a stern voice, but don't yell. Kinda like what she did to you when she was giving you a lecture ;0)

It's hard...I've been there. But, it will get better. For now just do whatever you can to make it through the next two months until you get your own place.

Answer 6

I think that you have to put up with it until you move out. I'm so sorry! You must be very annoyed. Try to get through it by thinking about how nice it will be when you get to move out. Another nice thought is that your child is too young to remember any of this. And of course the most wonderful thing is that you have been blessed with a child. Congratulations!

Answer 7

You need to mention the fact that her mother did not try to raise you..and if she did ask her how that made her feel. Then tell her that the baby is yours and it is your place to set the rules and to be the mother. Tell her that you enjoy her being such a part of the baby's life but there are times when the baby needs its mother and you'd like it if she would let you handle it. Tell her your never going to learn to be a good mother if she doesn't let you have the chance to try. Good Luck

Answer 8

I would sit her down for a mother daughter talk and talk about how she's a great mom and your grateful for her help and then gently mention how you think you know how to be a good mom like her. Then say "Maybe you can write me some tips and when i move out soon i could start to be a really good mother."

Answer 9

You really should talk to her if she is understanding she will let it go. Maybe for some reason she feels you can't do good enough. If she's anything like my parents, then that could be it. If talking doesn't work, then I would move out as quick as possible...you didn't mention about the father of the child....

Answer 10

You should get your own place , she is treating you like a child or mother to your child because you are not self sufficient . You should be glad she is allowing you to raise your child under her roof which puts more burden on her. Where is the child's daddy?
Use a condom next time 18 is way too young to have a child , obviously it was unplanned.