should I forgive him?

Question

I just found out 3 months ago that my wonderful successful smart with a banking background husband has been lying to me for years about finances. I have always been very good with money and had quite a nest egg and I would ask in the last 3 years 'do you want me to pay the bills?' or 'how is your CC debt right now' or 'can we afford this?' I ALWAYS trusted he was honest...and then I found out that the reason our power was shut off, or his CC was not working was he wasnt paying anything on time for years! He made bad loan decision (we have now neg am's close to $50k on our place because he didnt understand what he was doing) have bad credit, and have spent my entire savings just to try NOT to go bankrupt. He says he is so sorry and it changed his life....but I dont know if I let him have the reigns again if I trust he knows how to take care of things. We fight constantly- I am so so angry at all the lies and bad decisions...what should I do?

Heres one more piece of tis....we now can barely cover our mortgages, and went from possibly profiting on our investments to most likely owing on them....and my nest egg is gone already covering the bills he wasnt paying. do people get over this? what should he be doing....and how do I not be SO shocked and angry?

Answer 1

I don't think you should be asking if you should forgive him.
Ask where the money has gone.
successful, smart, banker, where is the ****ing money.
NO don't forgive him, when money is involved there is a paper trail, follow that trail.
How can he know about banking and make bad loan decisions because he didn't know what he was doing, it doesn't make sense.
I'm serious, I'm not just ranting for fun, there is something fishy going on here.

Answer 2

I'm truly sorry this happen to you. A husband is suppose to care for the needs of his family, not cause money problems as serious as this. But unfortunately, this happens alot today. If you want to make the marriage work, you need to take him to get help. To me this is a serious problem your husband has. Was he in denial? Why did he not know what he was doing at the time, or even talk to you about it? These questions need to be talked about, and discussed with a marriage counselor. Then this way, he will not do it again to you, and your family.
This is going to be a rough patch that you are going to go through for a few years, for that my be how long it takes you to catch up. So be strong, and take over the finances. It's not because you don't love your husband, but he messed up seriously, and you need to step up. You need to let him earn the right to be the Head of the family again. For this is his responsibility. But you are his complement, and helper. He definitely needs your help right now. I hope you can forgive him, and get passed this, for love is worth it. Try not to fight about this, for this won't change the lies, or debts. You just might get an ulcer, or something.

Answer 3

The moral thing would be to not divorce him but I hear myself laughing saying it. The problem is that both of you are responsible for the past due bills. So, what do you do? If I were you I would demand that you take the responsibility for all further financial decisions. I would give him the smallest of allowances and tell him to deal with it. I would also place almost all the responsibility for past bills on him. Tell him to get a second job if he can't do double shifts. Just until he gets the nest egg back up. After that, never, never, release command of the finances. Notice one thing though. He /or she who rules the finances usually rules the roost. This may cause marital problems further in the future.

Answer 4

Marriage is for better or worse. Yes this can be fixed, work together. He didn't tell you because he wanted you to think he could do this for your family. I agree he should have asked for help from you or maybe you should have checked things out. But if you work together as a team, this can be fixed.

Everybody makes mistakes! Don't make him feel like a failure, just maybe help, show him what can be done to fix the situation. THERE ARE WORSE THINGS THAT COULD HAPPEN! TEAMWORK

Answer 5

Yes you should forgive him but this will take time and healing on your part before you can even begin to do that. Seek counseling and help for you and your marriage... Talk to your husband and be honest with him about what you are feeling and why and see if he is open to working on this marriage with you. If he is truley sorry you really need to try to learn to forgive him and help him with his problem and love him through this and like i said work on restroing your marriage and the trust that was broken.. I wish you the best and will be praying for this with you.
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Answer 6

If you want this to work between ya'll then you have to do whats best. I think that he doesn't need to be in charge of what he was doing, but you have to forgive him because if you keep all that anger inside then ya'll are going to fight and you are going to feel resentment towards him which won't be good for you u know ? if you think u should leave him i would.. he spent your saving that kinda shows disrespect.. good luck SOMETIMES SORRY IS NOT ENOUGH

Answer 7

If he proves to be irresponsible then he should NOT be in charge of the finances. It sounds like you have a better grasp of it and he should NEVER lie about it. That is what would tick me off is the lying!!

Answer 8

There are special marital counseling classes that focus on finances. If you really love him and this is his only flaw, perhaps he'll change and things will work out.

Answer 9

i do not believe u can ever trust him again financially u need to keep the reigns, no matter how much it hurts his ego.he simply may not be smart enough to handle finances.

Answer 10

Would you be so not trusting if his decisions were good Be thankful he not cheating on you with another woman.