Need some help with my wife?

Question

37 and never married before. My wife of 5 yrs has been lying and stealing from me (family) since the first month of marriage The only way she will admit this behavior is if I catch her red handed and even then she denies it or she will admit it, then, will deny it the next time like it never happened thus causing more problems. I think if I just turn a blind eye all will be good (to her). I’ve done that on too much stuff. She can be a sweet heart in many ways (as my family & friends see her)& I think I still love her. I have taken on her two children from her other two marriages as my own. Private school, vacations homework etc..She has been diagnose w/depression (as her mother and her daughter (my step daughter) been to counseling, doctors, medications etc…her behavior has changed very little if not at all. She is aware of her lies and stealing but it only changes how she goes about continuing it. IE abuses my credit cards and then throws away my statements ((so I don’t see them) (&other bills/mail to make it look like the post offices fault). Now hides incoming checks (Lots of this stuff). Counselor #2, Pastor w/ counseling degree, recommended a book titled Adult Children of Alcoholics, applies also to dysfunction raised children that revere to abnormal behavior because that is familiar to them. Pastor gave both of us (many sessions) things to work on I did mine, she actual went in the opposite direction. I don’t think she has cheated on me but I’ve been floored before. Do I need to end it?

Answer 1

Why not do an inventory of what you get out of the relationship and what you put in. If there is a fair balance then you could continue to work on the problems, and if it is only you doing the work maybe what you need to do is examine why you feel you must continue to put yourself through what I sense is a great deal of pain. You wife is betraying your trust over and over and there needs to be a time when you end the lies. She has obviously no intention of doing this herself. I guess what you need to decide is when enough is enough. The fact that she throws you a few scraps of affection now and then certainly doesn't compensate for what you percieve is great despair. Do you inventory and decide if this is still worth the effort. I think that you probably already know the answer but you are just looking for some validation by others. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 2

I read the Adult Children of Alcoholics and if she is truly seriously wanting to change, she will. If she is just telling you she will, there is no hope in this marriage and things will continue to get worse. Drag her back to counseling again and again and tell her to grow up and get real. Stealing is for little kids. She needs to knock it off! Take those cards away, hide the bills and mail them yourself and anything else you can do to cover your behind. If she throws a temper tantrum, then she needs to be with an immature person like herself.

I was on meds for a while for depression and anxiety, but my behavior hardly changed since I didn't want to admit that my critical parents and the way they interacted had an effect on me. It's hard to admit and to come to terms with, but that's the only way progress and change can be made. Either she wants to get real and grow up or she can steal from someone else. Please let us know how everything works out. Good luck.

Answer 3

Well, I have been through similar issues with my wife. She was abused in past relationship and also had bad depression.I could never do right no matter what and every week was a new insecurity issue with me.
You know how I fixed it? I said enough is enough and packed my **** and left.She screamed and yelled and called me names and then would call and beg me to come back.I showed her no remorse. I said go get real help for your self and your kids and get on with a life for them and yourself.After about 4 months she still called, but the reality of what she has done and being forced to face it all on her own knowing I wasn't going to be there to wipe up after her anymore made her really try and take the help to heart.About another month later I came back to try and make it work but warned her I will not stand for anymore drama in my life.Its this way or nothing.
Well, I forced her to see her real self and grow up.Its been 2 1/2 years now and all is good.So, It can be done.But if you leave and she don't try and nothing changes, than you still did the right thing for you.
Life's to short my friend to have to live like that.You only get one life,why waste it on being un happy.
Good Luck!

Answer 4

I think it may require more tough decisions than ending it. She may need to be institutionalized before she becomes a threat to herself and others. Before she is more than just financially. If she's having trouble dealing with it, there most likely is more she is in denial about, some of which may have nothing to do with you or anyone else you may know of. Discuss with her that you love her, and want to help her, but if she continues to refuse to help herself, you may have to seek more drastic measures. Including institutionalizing, divorce or cutting her off completely financially. Which shoudl be your first step before she puts you in financial ruin. Take your wifes name off all the credit cards, bank accounts and etc. until she has dealt with her problems. Is it possible she isn't actually taking the medications? Taking anti depressants on a sporadic and part time basis can have odd adverse effects.. and cause such odd behavior. Have you had the chance to talk to her ex husbands? This could be a more long term problem than you think. And it's possible they could give you heads up on what else to look for. As far as leaving her, remember that in love we follow our hearts, in marriage, we must use our head. Love doesn't pay bills, doesn't heal all wounds and can cause us to foolishly allow others to destroy us. So, what does your head say?

Answer 5

Before you consider ending it, here is a suggestion for you.

Seems everything has been done to help her and she is not changing. She has a serious mental problem that needs addressing. You could suggest to her, if she would agree, going away for about three months to some kind of place that helps people like her. Her doctor can make suggestions to you both. She needs direct, ongoing, therapy without any interruptions from a home life.

The children are the ones that are suffering too and may grow up dysfunctional also. Maybe you can convince your wife of this and make her more adapt to get help.

Hope all our suggestions help you, good luck.

Answer 6

It seems like it's going to happen sooner or later, so I say better sooner than later. If the problem gets worse, you end up stuck with a tremendous debt that you may never overcome, leaving your credit in shambles. Drastic changes in a person's fundamental way of being don't happen overnight. It will be a long time before she's not behaving the way she is. Heck, she doesn't even ADMIT she HAS a problem. She needs to hit rock bottom, and it seems like she's not getting close to rock bottom as-is. Yeah, it's true that marriage is supposed to be "for better or for worse," but c'mon... those are just words.

If you decide on a divorce, before presenting your decision to her, talk to a lawyer and see what you can do to gather the remains and best protect yourself from further damages.

Answer 7

Wow. How much do you need to take before you get the hint that you've been used bud?

The two prior broken marriages should've been the clue. Bottom line: she's dragging you down with her and will only result in your emotional demise.

This is over and you already know it. Why go to Yahoo to seek validation for what you know to be true already?

Answer 8

If you do not end it, you need to realize something about her--- she has inherited a gene for depression (been there--my ex--- got it from his mother, of her siblings, only one spared: of four nieces, all but one have tendencies. Of his mom's siblings, only one spared, and one of his uncles murdered his wife, then committed suicide....lovely, huh????) and your wife's compulsive obsessive behavior (lying, $$ problems,etc.,) is just part of all of that.... bottom line? She has a personality defect, and those are tough to overcome.... The treatment is as if you told someone, "don't be tall". It is what it is--- and I'm sure you have been told this, or are aware of it.

Counseling helps (my ex in counseling most of his life, and on anti-depressants as well), if those people wish to change.... and the meds help if they stay on them. However, mixing alcohol with the anti-depressants, will get her back to square one.....

Should you choose to stay married to her, you needprotect yourself financially, and regard her financial abilities as that of a child------- to get cards in your name only, checking account in your name only, and your other assets (IRA's, CD's etc. ) in your name only, or in the name of your Trust (Joe Smith Trust) Only you and the banks are aware of it, it won't appear on your statement (unless you so state). (See an attorney to set up a trust....) Have your credit card statements and checks sent to a P. O. box, and don't tell her where it is located, and don't keep the key on your key chain.

Drastic? For sure, but as I said, been there.

Answer 9

Yes, you do need to end it. How do you have a relationship without any trust? It's only going to keep hurting you the longer you stay. She needs to get some help, maybe even be admitted to a hospital, and you should not be taking care of her children, they're hers! Let the father's take care of them. You need a break and to live your own life. GET OUT BEFORE SHE TRIES TO KILL YOU AND THEN LIE ABOUT IT!!!!!!!!

Answer 10

can't turn away from this, u have to face it for what it is. there should be no reason for her to steal or misuse credit cards, eventually u will be in financial ruin, seems there is a lack of trust for her, and with good reason. don't see that u can do anything to help this except get rid of the problem and move on. seems as if she has a history of depression that not even having a good husband can help. she is someone who will do anything to have things come out her way, no matter who it hurts, and whose life it destroys. seems to me u need to file for divorce, if u want the problems to cease.