Will my wife turn into my mother-in-law?

Question

I'll try not to be too hard on my mother-law but I want everyone to have all the info possible. I love her & my wife. My mother-in law 62, has depression; Doc says has the emotional maturity of a 20 old(I think he was kind).angry, negative and very difficult. Huge packrat (4 bedroom house full of junk; when visiting we stay in hotel ,no room) she is unaware the harm she is causes to people around her (or doesn't care) can't seem to get anything done, collects medical disability; Seems OK to me. Some say she just lazy and stubborn like her father & since she was a young adult she "didn't want to do the right thing" She can act OK around people if she has too. We have been down the road w/ doctors,Meds for her (again sorry if this sounds harsh). I have been dealing w/ similar problems w/ wife ie.difficult, lying,(lack of trust) My wife and I have been to.counceling(for us).. Nothing is working. Can people just be that way? Will my wife turn into her? Do I need to go in another direction?

Answer 1

Yikes. Well I didn't turn into my own mother thank heavens. I know some wives who seem to have some of the traits of their moms but not to a destructive degree. To some extent a daughter is surely a separate individual, and of course your wife has you. You are her primary significant other, an important part of her social support. Sometimes a depressed person or worse--borderline psychotic--gets along pretty well simply because those around them love them and help and have a sense of humor.
Don't give up on counseling, and do listen up if the counselor has any advise for you--thats you, not only her. If you can't work with one counselor, try another.
Also encourage your wife to develop friendships, and activities outside the home. Promote social connections--do things with another couple, go out to a community theater, whatever works for you. Avoid isolation, and avoid being the only person in her life. You also need friends.

Answer 2

People are certainly influenced to a certain extent by parents, however there is a point in everyones life where they decide which fork to take in the road. Alcoholic children of alcholic parents can choose to go into recovery and try and stop the damage done by that particular disease. There can always be a point in a person life where they choose not to follow in the footsteps of the parents. This is usually decided when children are aware there are negative consequences of the behaviour, and do not want their own children to experience the pain they went through growing up. When there is no awareness of any issues there really is not reason for a person to choose to change. With your wife it sounds like her addiction is to owning objects and spending money is the high she experiences that takes her away from dealing with emotional problems and thus processing them. These issues can be overcome but the person has to admit to a problem and also must want to change. As long as you continue to enable the behaviour there is really no impetus for a change. A person needs to hit what is called an emotional "bottom". This would be where this individual becomes aware that there is a problem and no longer wants to continue experiencing the negative consequences associated with the addictive actions. Your wife may not follow the same patterns as her mother but it sounds like they share many of the same values which would mean that your wife would not feel the need to lead a productive life with a career. If you are willing to completely shoulder the complete financial responsibility this should not be a problem but as the stress increases in your relationship you wife will be looking for more relief from this by actively engaging in her addiction which seems to clearly be shopping.
You can attend counseling sessions for years but until there is a real effort to change on her behalf the situation will just become more intolerable and increasingly chaotic. She will be going to even greater lengths to hide the addiciton and you may end up in grave finacial straights as a result of this.
This is clearly just my opinion and I do deal with addictive behaviours regularly so this is where i am getting my insight from. You really need to look into your own codependence. This is really the only thing that you have the power to change. Please look up Melody Beattie and read about what she has to say or any other reputable site that deals with the codenpency issues. You must recognize how you are contributing to this situation and stop rescuing her. I hope this helps a bit, I can understand the indecision and confusion you must feel.

Answer 3

Well if your MIL truly has depression there's a good chance your wife could end up with it simply due to genetic disposition. Also keep in mind that she raised your wife and your wife probably picked up on some of her behaviorisms.

Depression can make a person seem lazy but when you feel very depressed it can cause you to feel a complete lack of energy, lack of motivation and a feeling of helplessness. She may be putting on an act in front of you because maybe she doesn't want you to see how much pain she's in. You need to trust me when I say that is hard to do. I have depression...have had it since childhood and it increasingly becomes difficult to act otherwise in front of people....

She may collect alot of stuff or buy junk because it gives her some sense of validation. I know that sounds strange to you but sometimes when you feel like you are worthless you need "things" to validate yourself.

I hope that everything works out. In any event I don't think it's your wife's fault at all. People can often be a product of their upbringing. Dysfunction in the family can have lasting effects...

Answer 4

Like I said before on your other questions you have to decide. As for your Wife turning into her mom, well, You've stated that she does what her mom does, So honestly, yeah. she will eventually, but probably not whole like her mom, but similar. You've already stated nothing is working. So, now decide what to do with what you got. But don't just stop on what to do, also think about what can happen is you were to do it or do another thing. Always thing of the circumstances. I honestly wish you all the best and hope you decide well. good luck

Answer 5

I think you asked this question last night and i feel that i have already answered this one for you:)