Is anyone having a hard time with their 11 year old boy?

Question

I feel like I am loosing my son. He is 11 years old and has such an attitude. He smarts off when asked questions.
I have to fight with him to take showers, brush his teeth, comb his hair, change his underwear or clean his room. I understand that must of that could be
do to his age but the big problem I am having is he wont do his homework. He use to be a honor student in first - third grade but this year (5th grade) he is getting D's.
I am constantly in meetings with his teacher trying to figure out the problem. We have tried assignment books that the teacher signs but he still refuses to bring the books home. He lies and tells me he did all his work in school and the next day I will get a homework alert from his teacher.
I have tried taking everything away, TV, video games, computer and friends. That doesn't seem to work. My husband and I tried talking to him, telling him why its important he does good in school and why we fight with him to do his homework.
He has actually been grounded from his privileges for the last week due to getting 5 detentions in one week for missing assignments and I just got a call today from his teacher that he still hasn't made up all the missing work and he is smarting off at school saying he doesn't want to read his book assignment because its stupid. All while still being grounded from the first incident!
I feel like I cant spend any bonding time with him anymore because from the time I get home from work I am on his back about his homework and not doing any of his responsibilities.
Talking to him - disciplining him - working with the teachers don't seem to help, anybody have any ideas?

Answer 1

My 11 year old was like that until i started taking his stuff away and being mean!

Answer 2

Did you try talking to him and asking him what the problem is? I know it sounds very Leave it to Beaver, but it might give you some insight. But, be careful how you do it. Boys won't give you info in a "sit down" talk. They will more likely open up when they're doing an activity. Like, playing basketball or something energy consuming like that. Then they will sometimes open up.

Some ideas about why he is acting this way- Maybe it's just normal pre-pubescent behavior.
Maybe he's doing drugs. They are starting earlier and earlier. And they're great at hiding it.
Maybe he's fallen in with the wrong crowd at school.
Maybe something in his home life is bothering him. Are you and your husband getting along, have there been any deaths or births or any other changes?
Maybe he's depressed. If it runs in the family, you might want to take him to talk to someone (like a counsler)

I know it's very hard raising children. I have a 10 year old boy myself. You never really know what to do all the time. Try to get to the bottom of this behavior now because if you don't it will only get worse. Good luck!

Answer 3

I'm not much older than your son (I'm 16) but I remember when I was 11 and how weird I felt. I was just starting to grow up and didn't know how to handle anything that was being thrown at me. 11 is an akward age...especially for boys, who are just starting to notice girls. There are so many distractions keeping him from focusing on his school work, but just keep trying. I know at that age the last thing I wanted to do was get yelled at by my parents, but I think in this case you should just keep up with you're involvement. Talk to his teachers about ways to improve his grades, and maybe a school psychologist to see why he's acting this way all of a sudden. Also try to do things on the weekend that interest him, so that way you guys can enjoy your time together without worrying about school and other things.

Answer 4

I will be very direct. You ARE losing your son. This isn't about grades, hygiene, smarting off or homework. Kids will get attention, and if they don't get enough positive attention, they will act out and get negative attention. Your son has hit puberty. He is not handling it real well, and if you were in his shoes, would you talk to your parents? Time to talk less, listen more. You can make some personal sacrifices to save your son, or your son will be lost. This problem did not just start. I would bet you have never spent much time bonding. Get with it, there is still time. He has to know you really care, and not just another thing in your schedule. Kids do not care what you know until they know you care. Forget the whole "quality time" bs. It is all quality, and there needs to be a lot of it, not just something on a list. Some of the best times you will ever have talking with you son will be during everyday activities. Do not expect him to open his heart to you if he asks-11yo boys don't often do this. You have blown it in not giving him the time and attention (NOT stuff and money) he deserves-tell him so, and what you are going to do to turn things around. Open up a little, and show that your not perfect either. Is there another male that can act as a "big brother" that he relates to well? If so, get that person on board-fast. Boys at the early stages of puberty often want to distance themselves form their moms-this is normal. Deal with it, and don't take it personally. His dad needs to step it up a bit. If he is too busy for that, you have a good clue what the real problem with this boy is.
This is not hopeless by any means. I have worked with kids like this for many years, and most of them made it through (not all smoothly, however!). Put your mind to it, you are in for a long haul, but you can make it work with some real effort. Best of luck to you and your son.

Answer 5

In my opinion, school is no place for someone who is struggling with grades....I know that sounds crazy but have you been to your son's school lately? For the most part, teachers are rushing around trying to meet standards and tests they dont even understand themselves in classrooms that are overcrowded with schedules that dont allow them (if they even care) to get to know these kids. At 11 there is a world of social pressure. Some of the girls are starting menses and they get really weird about boys add to that his own information or lack thereof about h is own body changing (most boys this age don't fit in their own skin they have big feet or one big hand or some thing makes them clumsy).

the homework thing is his responsibility. let him know you will support him and help him get through it. I blew my cork once and found out my son was over 4 hours behind.....I couldn't believe the amount of work he was facing it was no wonder he gave up. Bonding time is pretty well over at 11. He needs time to be with friends...but if they come over to your house and eat tons of pizza you'll get a chance to visit with them here and there. Boys tend to be easier socially to entertain...they eat, play video games, wrestle, repeat and that doesn't change as far as I can see until they are in their late 40s and cant wrestle so much anymore lol. Listen to what he is saying. He will tell you where the problems are. For my son...there were bullies at school (and not the kind you and I faced ...these were 16 year old kids with drivers permits who were still in middle school---after several visits from me, the school finally made them finish 8th grade in the HS if they could drive---no lie). Don't expect him to the be superstar he was in elementary school.....but help him accentuate his strengths. Also, make it clear that he has a certain amount of time to get the grades up or it becomes your project....by that I mean he gets a tutor or help after school...not more time with you. In several cases my kids needed the tutor and though they objected they were really glad I forced them. It was also easier to say 'my mom is making me'. Last, find out what he loves to do or would love to try....rollerblading, hockey, football...and make plans to include that. He can't figure out how to balance work, play, school, rest, food, prayer himself...but you can teach him how to set those limits. Teachers will h ate this...(and they did when my kids were going through it) but there were just assignments that we would blow off.... we set a 1 hr time limit on homework in middle school and 2 hrs in HS and did our best to stick to it. If you can be there after school for a while you can help him get some food, take a break and get outside for a bit before he hits the books so it doesn't seem like it never ever ends... no matter what...keep on talking with ea other.... go see a movie..... All the best....

Answer 6

If he wasn't always like this, something or someone must have started it. Maybe some kid in school his not treating him good, making fun of him, do you have a younger son/daughter that you pay more attention to, maybe he needs more attention from both of you, does the father play with him. The most important thing is to find out what was it that started it, and when it started and specially what his feeling. You must be able to get to him, don't raise your voice, just open your heart and listen to him. Even if he says something that really bothers you, just keep listening, leave the channels open. Ask him who's his favorite teacher, then ask him who's teacher he dislikes the most, if he says someone in particular, ask him why. But remember, keep the channels open, if you raise your voice, or say something like « I will go talk to him right now» he mite loose his trust in you and stop talking.

Answer 7

i feel sorry for you it must be so hard, i am very lucky i have an 11yr old and yh he doesnt always enjoy doing homework but he nos he has no choice. i may get a bit of back chat but dont stand for it take his psp or comp away he soon behaves, he has got a lot of respect for me and his dad , im not in dream land prob wont last forever, but we do try and sit down with him and listen to his worries.maybe he is bored and the work is to easy or maybe he is being bullied at school. good luck

Answer 8

Sorry that you have to go thru all that. I never had it that bad. see if you can get him into counsling, something might of happen between the years when he was doing well. and if that don't work see if they have anything for trouble teens. like boot camp. and tell him when he finishes his homework that you want to see it. and take everything away from him until he straigthens up. and for the smart mouth put tobasco sauce in it. or tell him that he will be in 5th grade until he does well and all his friends will be moving on. good luck..

Answer 9

Sounds just like my stepson who now at the age of 13 is on probation and one step from juvenile jail all because of his disrespectful behavior at school and his grades. (And by the way, we unfortunately do not have custody of him.)
My advice is to approach it from a few different angles...
-Get him into counseling soon and not just the school counselor. Most communities have counseling services that can be reduced depending on income if that is a concern. There may be things that he is not willing to talk about with his parents.
-Plan a day soon that you take off of work and take him out of school. This is a blow-off day. Don't try to buy him or coerce him into talking about the negative things that are happening and try to go out and about and have a little fun. Tell him what you just told us, that you miss having bonding time with him. I know he needs to be in school but doing this at least one time is more important for now.
-When he is in one of his calmer moods, tell him you understand that because he is entering adolescence (explain that to him if he doesn't know) you know that it sometimes makes you feel like you aren't in control of yourself. And then ask him what HE thinks would help him during those times when he is arguing with you or his Dad; for example say, "You know that I would not push you to do the right things if I didn't love you, and so other than leave you alone, what can I do to help you feel in control of yourself and accomplish the things you need to do?"
-Good job taking away privileges. There is a step further that is not abusive, but some may think it's cruel. Explain to him that each family member has a part to play in the household and in life. You and your husband provide EVERYTHING for him. He needs to understand that pop, candy, and good tasting foods are PRIVILEGES and not a RIGHT. It is not abusive to feed a child vegetables, fruits, fish, pasta/bread, and milk/water ONLY until after he does his homework. One week of eating only what you allow while he does that weeks' worth of homework means that starting on the weekend his diet goes back to what he normally eats. If during the following week he fails to do homework he's back to the basics until he complies.
In addition or instead of that you can clear his entire bedroom of everything except his bed. Now instead of taking away things for poor behavior, you give back something for every 2 days of good behavior. This way he is earning things back by doing what he needs to do.
-You can try talking to him about giving him more freedom in areas that perhaps you were reluctant to in the past as a reward for complying in school.
-Just a note about the physical aspect of things...studies show that kids his age NEED 10 hours of sleep. Make sure that he gets as close to that as possible. Also, caffeine stays in a childs' body as long as 8 hours, so NO after-school caffeine. Those two things made a world of difference in my stepsons. They still fight me on it but I do not back down because it helps them.

Answer 10

Looks liek its time to beat him. Im not even kidding either, sometimes you just need to hit your kids. At first they will hate it and scream but after awhile they will know that if they act up, in school or at home they will get beat. This means that they will not act up anymore.