She is killing ME! Help?

Question

I am a mom to 4 kids with the oldest turning 18 Saturday and then she plans on moving out with her boyfriend on February 2nd. I will admit that I am hard and a little strict but love my daughter and the past year I have been trying to make ammends and bite my tongue. It seems that I have been doing all the giving and her the taking and she doesn't seem to want to work on our relationship. I have tried to make counseling appointments for both of us and she says while bobbling her head that "I ain't talkin' to no shrink!" Most of what has been happening is relieved by us avoiding each other. Her boyfriend lives out of state and bought her a cell phone to keep in touch and they are always on it for hours. She sits in the main bathroom where the kids need to go in and brush their teeth and she makes a huge fit and then I tell her not to speak to them that way cause the bthrm is not her personal living space.
She was being loud and it was bdtime for the kids and she had her byfriend on

speakerphone and I told her to turn it down and she screamed "I WILL!" so I told her to give me the phone and she can tell you the rest by this post she created this morning.
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AswjSmCcq5811h1XBXJvnufsy6IX?qid=20070125052756AAza3NU

I am at my wits end and my hair is falling out I can't eat without my stomach getting in knots and my husband is going to Iraq in May and I can't take her and just want her to go!
Question: Should I separate myself from her a while and if the boyfriend has problems with her and wants her to go home, my husband will allow her back, but I don't and it's causing stress throughout the whole family.
Right now I don't wish to ever speak to her again, cause nothing comes of it.

For the person who mentioned that we pay the cell phone bill, her boyfriend has the phone under his plan so he is footing the bill-not us.

Answer 1

Be thankful Feb. 2nd is just around the bend. Then the little princess can find out what real life is all about.

Answer 2

Hey Lyn.. I am sorry you are going through this..a lot of parents do. She is 18..seems she wants to do what she wants to do, when and how and why she wants to do it..I read her post..no she does not care about you..like she said she is 100 per cent daddys girl. In all honesty, I feel you need to let her move out. Let her do what she wants..let her and the b'f do as they please and let him support her or she may get a job.

]I know it is hard for a parent to let a kid loose..but over here 18 is classed as an adult..let her fly the coop and do as she pleases..perhaps she will make it, maybe she won't..but she will soon see she cannot just do as she pleases in the real world..and treat people any way she wants etc.
I see that your hubby is being sent overseas..well you sure do not want this going on..and you should not have to put up with it either. You will not be putting her out in the street..just letting her fly the coop and giving her what she wants..her freedom to choose.
If she falls flat on her face..I don't know whether it would be good to have her back home again. Not unless she was prepared to live by your house rules..and even then, talk is cheap and if she came home then broke the rules, perhaps she would scream blue murder if you told her to leave..then tell people that you put her out on the street.
If she wants to be like this..let her fly free to make it..or live with her mistakes. You will have a lot of fallout to fix up at home from any damage she has caused with others.

Lots of teenagers do this stuff hon..and too many parents let them come back to live too..which is a big mistake often times.
God Bless and hang in there.

Answer 3

OK, I have my own thoughts on this one. Tough love is the only way to go with a child like this. I have sat by and watched my sister ruin not only my mother's life, but my own as well. She has no respect for anyone, cares about no one but herself.

I understand you feel confused about what you should do. It seems as though this will never resolve itself. Trust me, it will be hard at first. I don't want to sugar coat this one. It will be hard to watch your "baby" leave the nest, especially under such bad terms. But now, you have 3 other babies which need your undivided attention more than her. There will come a time when she will realize just how right you were, and then she can feel the guilt. But, in the meantime, there is no sense in wasting all of your time and energy on a child that simply throws it in your face.

She is so sure about herself. Now, hear me out... this IS just my opinion. She seems to think she is so high and mighty. Well... if it were me, I would give her the best birthday gift possible. Pack her bags, set them by the door and say bye. She will probably dislike you for a very long time over this one. But, it is the best thing you can do for yourself, her, and your family. She will have to figure out what she is going to do, where she is going to stay. It will give her a new understanding, even if not right away.

I hope that I helped, even if it was a small thing. I wouldn't blame you if you disregarded all I said, as we have just met, and we barely know each other. But, when it comes to disrespectful children, I have had my fill of them.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

First, I think you need to take a deep breath, go to a quiet room somewhere and have a good scream or cry or something.

Eighteen year olds are not human. They are not intelligent, reasonable adults, nor are they little kids that you can control their universe. They are irrational, dangerous, emotional, confused, irritating, and absolutely gorgeous through it all. (Provided you can distance yourself enough from the emotions and pain.)

You've put in the hard yards with her, you've set boundaries all her life and given her love and structure, now it's time to let go and let her live with her own mistakes and lessons. It's true, she might have to move out more than once before she has enough strength, understanding and financial nous to move out for good. As long as she is not a real physical danger to you and your other family members, as a loving parent, I'd propose that it's your job to support her as she stretches her wings and tries it on her own, even if she does come back from time to time.

I would not get embroiled in her relationship with her boyfriend. You can be a confidant to her (especially once she realises that you're not a total idiot (as most kids think their parents are), but you cannot solve her problems or get in the middle of it. Say, "oh really, is that so?" "How do you feel about that?" and most importantly, "What are you going to do about that then?" in your most loving, unbiased and uninvolved voice.

Hang on til February 2nd. Help her get organised and instead of looking at this as a "I can't WAIT til she's out of the house" situation, try and make it more like "isn't this exciting? You're leaving the nest! What do you need to set up house?" This is a huge event in your lives, and everyone is no doubt very stressed (even without the 18-year-old crap that is accompanying it).

Ffind some time to do something nice for yourself. Take a walk and get away from her and your emotions. HUGS and GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

Ah, the joy of teenagers. There is little you can do to talk any sense into her. She already "knows" everything. When she does move out, she will find out that the real world is not going to be as easy on her as what she's used to. Her attitude will not get her anywhere with landlords or bosses, and her cell phone bill isn't going to pay for itself. You may not want her back, but to avoid having problems with your family (especially your husband), you may need to give in. When she comes back, at least you will have a little more bargaining power. She won't be so apt to think her problems will be solved by just moving out. You will need to set firm rules for her, should she return, or risk being kicked out. Hopefully she will come home with enough wisdom to follow them. If you think counseling is necessary, this could be a condition of her return that your family can hardly disagree with.

Answer 7

Gosh I feel bad for you. First I want to say, I went to her posting and saw the answers. People are on your side. Kids should never demand anything - are you paying for the phone bills themselves? If so you have even more reason to make the rules in the house. Remember it is your house. You are the mother and shouldn't take this behavior. If she doesn't want counseling then I would tell her that this behavior is totally unacceptable. You need to sit her down and talk to her without getting angry or upset. She wants to act like an adult then treat her like one. Let her move out and pay her own bills, etc. I have to say I could never get away with acting like that to either of my parents. Maybe it is time she realize how lucky she is to have a loving family and mom who cares about her and your relationship with her. It is time she stops taking from you. So many kids think they are entitled to so many things these days, without doing anything to get it. If she is moving out maybe the distance will be good for a little while, I am sure she has no idea what it takes to be on her own, especially at 18. Try not to let it stress you out, you have your other family to think about and husband. God bless you both for serving in Iraq. What a toll that must take. I think you need to focus on you right now, when she realizes how selfish she is being (yes she will) she will come around. You are right, if she acts like this with her bfriend he won't put up with it either. Don't spin your wheels when she won't even try. It will just drain you.

Answer 8

You need to let her live her life. She might be making a mistake, but all you can do is tell her once & then you have to let it go. It takes 2, to have a relationship. After I got married I was really angry w/ my parents because of life changes, sibble rivalry, & religion, they wouldn't listen to me & I was not going to listen to them. I wanted them to earn my friendship. We had many blow ups, to the point of almost ending our relationship. I took a class that helped me let go of the anger. We still have our differences, but we have found the boundry's & are respecting eachother, & appreciating eachother more. Let her know the basic rules of the house for your other childrens sake, then let her know you love her & you will be there for her, but it is her life & she will figure it out or she won't. I always want to change everyone around me, but you know what, it never works, accept what you can & let go of the rest. Ask her to do simple things with you, like shopping & lunch, have some fun w/o the parent/daughter roles.

Good luck

Answer 9

As the mother of two young ladies in their 20's, I feel for you. Your daughter is on the bubble of adulthood and wants to try out her wings, though there is no reason ever for disrespect. It may take a while, but I say let the real world have her for a while. When she grows up enough to realize that the universe doesn't revolve around her, and maybe Mom wasn't so bad after all, she'll treat you better. You're in my thoughts and prayers, {{Lyn}}.

Answer 10

You are her mother and she needs to listen and obey you as long as she is living under the same roof. Pray about it. Leave it ot God. It is so easy to believe in God, but the faith is so wonderful when it starts to kick in. You can leave it all to God. Pray about it. God is in control. He could bring an order and design and beauty out of chaos, He is totally capable of bringing peace into your household.

Do not say anything until you know what to say. What comes to your husband, he should learn" Happy wife, happy life". Mother is the spirit of the house and you do not want mother to feel she is bullied by a teenager. Just be quiet, and love your children, mind your business as usual. If your daughter or your husband is talking to you disrespectfully just say " You are not allowed to talk to me like this ". I will also pray for you. We all go through something. Like I said, leave it to God. If He puts you in His waiting room for a little longer than you are comfortable, remember that He is there right with you. He will never leave you alone to deal with the issues of this life.

Say to God " God help me. Talk to me, your servant is listening" He is happy to answer that prayer. : )

Answer 11

How's about you print of her post and YOURS. Sit together and make her read yours, and you read hers.

I have seen this on 'Brat Camp' - by the end of it you will both be in tears and just that little bit more open to forgive each other.