My husband and I dated for 4 yrs. before we got married - we always seemed to fight a lot. Now we have been married for 2 years and have a 1 year old son who we both adore. Anyhow, we are still fighting a lot. We are both over the age of 24. It seems like we have no respect for eachother. We call eachother awful names and yell sometimes in front of our son. Everytime we have a big fight, which is once or twice a week, one of us swears we are going to find someone else and get a divorce. I am constently trying to figure out where me and my son will live, how I will support him if I did leave, but I only think this way if we are fighting. We have done couseling and it just didn't work well. We always resort to how we have always fought - shouting, yelling, name calling, swearing - I hate it. What should I do? Leave for good? Please help!
2007-01-25 07:46:11 · 12 answers · asked by Hannah M 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have a theory on this:
Once you lay a path, you tend to stick to the path. (call it grooving).
At some point you both decided that it was ok to call names and threaten to leave. You may not like it...but neither of you wanted to do any real work to improve it. In fact, you both think that the other person is the problem most likely.
If you want to change the problem...change yourself. From this moment on...say I am not going to fight with this man again. And say I am not going to call names again. If you can do this...your relationship is automatically 50% better. And that is alot..
Now, it isn't easy. You won't like it. And it is hard. But if you take that step..one day..he will notice. And when he does...he will watch to make sure it is true. And at some point he will gain respect for you. And if you are lucky he will ask how to do it.
How do you do it? Tell yourself, that you are in charge of what kind of marriage you have. If you want a nice kind loving one...be nice and loving. Be his best friend. No matter what. And read on communication. Then practice. And under no circumstances go back to the way you are now.
The marriage may still go out the window. But you will be a better person. Afterall, if you call him names...or anything unpleasant what would make him want to be nice to you. Why change if you must deal with a very unpleasant person.
I am not saying it is you. It might be him. It might be both of you (most likely). But it is you who can change things. And why not try....afterall, the alternative is no marriage and single parents.
Committ to change...you won't regret it.
2007-01-25 08:02:34 · answer #1 · answered by kishoti 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
My husband and I will be together for 2 years in June and we have fights like that too. We fight sometimes twice a week or a whole weekend. We swear, yell, call each other horrible names, and sometimes talk about leaving. We have a 2 month old daughter and it has seemed like it has gotten worse since we have had her. We never knew how to stop fighting or getting mad at one another. We finally sat down and talked out our issues. He said he was frustrated all the time about taking care of the household and being upset because we dont get to spend time together much anymore. I agreed. We decided that we fought with each other because we missed each other or when something was going wrong that we just got mad at the other. I guess you cant yell at the wall or your child. I mean neither one would yell back and where would the fight be in that. We came to the conclusion to try and talk to one another if something was bothering us. Even if it was something small. We also realized that we have both spoiled each other with little attentions and now that life was more complicated that it was harder to do that, so we had to take that into consideration. Life doesnt stop just because you want it to and it can get frustrating. You have to find a way to communicate and remember you are on the same team not emenies. Remember you got together for a reason and that feeling you felt then is still inside of you both somewhere. Try to be more understanding to one anothers needs. We still fight on occasion but it has gotten now that if the fight does escalate it isnt to far after that one of us remembers we love each other and just starts talking to the other.
2007-01-25 08:03:33 · answer #2 · answered by Barrett 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This sounds alot like what I am going thru. As the first person said, I am trying to make it start with myself. To at least be the better person. When my husband and I aren't fighting, we are great together. We also have a 1year old that we both adore. We have been together 4 years. A marriage takes alot. I think both of us are willing to work at it. We will not give up. I think the same things you do, too, with leaving and all that. But when it really comes down to it, I married him and we need to work it out.
2007-01-25 07:58:41 · answer #3 · answered by deez0477 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you were fighting before you got married it should have clued you in. You have got to stop! Me and my husband did that to. That's just how we disagreed. After we calmed down it was over. The last argument we had he left the house to go to a friends saying he wasn't coming back. I found my daughter behind the couch crying. I assured her we had just said a bunch of crap we didn't mean just said it to push each others buttons. He called me on the phone before he started home. I was doing something so I didn't pick up. On the way home from his friends (less than a mile from the house) he ran off the road on his motorcycle and hit a power pole. He didn't live. You never know! So if you love each other you better find a different way to have your disagreements. I would not wish the pain that me and my daughter are going through on anybody.
2007-01-25 08:31:37 · answer #4 · answered by britches 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I find it pretty simple, but very difficult to do. The old saying, if you do what you have always done you will get what you always got... So take the step, like going on a diet, set some goals (small ones at first) about your behavior when arguing and stick with it. Soon you will notice the little steps become big ones down the road. Never hurts to get a couple of good books and get wisdom from others.
2007-01-25 08:04:59 · answer #5 · answered by HowAboutIt 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I feel very sorry for you son that has no choice but to go though this abuse. Here's an idea why don't you stop being so selfish & get out of this abusive relationship. Your only hurting this poor little guy & setting him up for future heart ache. Do you really want him to think this is how relationships are?
Counselling is a long process that doesn't offer quick easy band aid solutions for Volcano's that(by the sounds of it) is ready to errupt. Give it another try if you are willing to put in the hard work,if not leave.
2007-01-25 08:01:52 · answer #6 · answered by Lee Ann M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Actions speak louder than words. How can ou say that you adore your son yet fall in this pitfall. Both of you should sit and talk about the negative effect this has on your son and you should reach a decision : either to live respectfully together for the sake of yourselves as humans and your son welfare or either split and keep the little respect you have for each other and let the boy settle in a stable environment. Always put him before yourselves and remember he deserves better than parents at each others throats. Good luck
2007-01-25 09:01:33 · answer #7 · answered by samah a 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Whether you seek counseling or not, something has to change! Fighting in front of your son is a BIG no no!!! It sounds like this marriage is off to a bad start and it will probably only get worse. I advise you to consult a lawyer and find somewhere else to go. Your husband will have to pay child support and you will have to get a job if you haven't already. You owe it to this child to put an end to this feuding, it will scar him for life. Good-luck and find the respect you deserve.
2007-01-25 08:02:21 · answer #8 · answered by Mustang Sally 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The only way you can stop this is to swallow your anger and refuse to fight. It is the only way, you must learn to love for the sake of loving, and like the things you used to hate. If you refuse to fight for a while and develop new habits, then you will have WON. You will have beaten him at every argument, and become functional, you will be in charge from that point on; furthermore, unless he has a gun pointed at your head, you do have control over how you react, well at least if you are an adult you have.
Don't do it for the child...do it for you.
Should this be too difficult, then proceed as follows: plan a separation down to the details of finances, develop the tools you will need to survive on your own. Then ask yourself, who will end up with custody?
Best wishes...humans seldom mate for life.
www.geocities.com/fatesfist
2007-01-25 08:04:01 · answer #9 · answered by raven m 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have been consistent. What made you think that having a kid or getting married would change that you always fight?
You have to change the way BOTH or you react to situations that set you off.
Counseling only works if you apply what you learn.
2007-01-25 07:56:04 · answer #10 · answered by barbed_oracle 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋