How do you live with a man who is never satisfied despite your best efforts?

Question

His nagging is so draining. He thinks its him being helpful. It's not helpful. We're in counselling but he always expresses himself the same way no matter what. Housework, body size, parenting... everything is a problem with him. It's not everyday that it is brought up but when he does, he throws around words like "never," "always" and "I don't see why you can't______" - fill in whatever his particular point is. I will not divorce him, so I'm asking for tips on how to deal with him. I pray a lot for him, but I think I'm stuck with his personality despite our blessings, my efforts, etc. I'm pleased with myself but I try hard to please him, too. NO, he wasn't this way before we got married. He mentioned things but he used TACT back then. Thanks for your encouragement even if its just hard truths you give me.

Answer 1

Here's the hard truth: You really can't change him. He has to learn his own lessons and change for himself. Counseling will help if you both continue to go and both work on this issue. Just don't let it drop until you both find a way to resolve it. The problem is, he is not content with his own life for whatever reason, so to keep his focus off himself, he looks at your "flaws," and points them out. If going to counseling together doesn't resolve things, it might help to talk with the counselor separately for the first half of the session and spend the rest of the session in the counselor's office together. Then you both get your points out in a neutral environment and the counselor can help you both get an idea of what's really going on underneath it all so you can find ways to resolve. But you have to do your part and hubby has to do his or you'll both be wasting your time and money. Other than that, you can choose not to let his words bother you. You can stop him when he starts in on you and tell him that you are willing to talk with him about whatever it is that's eating at him after he thinks about what he's saying, if it's REALLY that important, and he can reword it so that it doesn't seem like he's pointing fingers or offering you unwanted "advice," then just walk away give it some time and a little distance. Good luck.

Answer 2

I like your attitude -- you are both positive and humble. In order to work through the kind of problem you're describing, it is important to tell the person that you feel that the method of communication would be better if he expressed himeself better. Tell him that if he really wants you to do anything differently, he's going to have to do a better job of asking for changes. Inform him that, therefore, you are going to begin addressing his communication; you are going to talk about how you talk. Next time he says, "You never," stop him. "Never?" you should ask. "What about the time when _____?" Do not allow the conversation to proceed until he admits that "never" is inappropriate to use. Finally, before you return to the conversation you were having before you interrupted him to talk about talking, assertively tell him, "When you use the word 'never' it feels like an exaggeration and a criticism and hurts my feelings. Please be more accurate in the way you talk in the future." You will have to do this many times, sometimes several times in a single conversation. Eventually, however, he will learn a better way of talking to you. Be clear, assertive, and matter-of-fact when you do this. Do not be critical sounding, or raise your voice.

Oh, and, by the way, in your question, you said "everything" is a problem with him. When you use the word "everything" in this context, it feels like an exaggeration and a criticism and would hurt your husband's feelings. Please be more accurate in the way you talk in the future. ;-)

Answer 3

Sounds like you love this guy a lot, if you are willing to stay with him, and are in counseling. Most people who are constant complainers are really looking for limits. Like kids who act up so bad, but the minute you use a very firm voice and take away some privileges they snap to it. Do you tell him to knock it off? That you are sick and tired of his complaining. FIRM.Try it. If you are passive through this marriage he is going to keep needling you. Try standing up for yourself and being a little more assertive. I'll bet that he will tone it down.

Answer 4

he says it because you have let him say it and you do it because you have always done it, your going to find it hard to change him now, you appear to be quite calm over this situation so why not try to do a few different things, go out and leave him on his own then if he wants a drink or something to eat then he will either have to get it himself or do without, but DON'T do it before you go out, he sounds pretty lazy to me but you are as much to blame too, start to not do things for him, your not there to be at his beck and call all the time and start using phrases like "after the movie has gone off" or "yeah in a few minutes" if you don't change then neither will he and good luck

Answer 5

I FEEL YOUR PAIN!!! My husband use to be the same way, it was like I was his "employee" instead of his wife. He hated for me to do anything and regardless of what I did for him, he was never happy. So one day I got fed up with it and it just came to me so simple "what i am doing is not working, so why keep doing the same thing over and over getting the same results?' So I decided I would do what i wanted to do, because i know myself was one person i could please. When he came home he noticed instantly not all of the "things" he had waiting on him was not there. He was very shocked and little unsure of what was going on with me. I informed him, I cant make you happy and i am killing myself "physical" and "emotional" trying. You are going to nag about something regardless how things are, so from now on I will be doing things for my satifaction! For three weeks i went and done as i pleased, handed him everything he needed to take care of his stuff "like Checks and stuff". After the third week he had a new respect for me and our relationship, he wanted to talk about things and make me "happy" because he missed having me the way i was before, and he was not to happy about me having a "not care anymore" attitude. Ever since we have had the best relationship we ever had.

Answer 6

First Just stop taking it personally as you said it is just how he is. second do not expect change. Third no matter how crappy he is be as nice as humanly possible try learning positive negative reinforcement and behavior extinction these are slow but they work 100 % fighting however does nothing and counseling is just the express lane to divorce court sorry I have been there done that.

Answer 7

I have to wonder what good (if any) the counseling is doing...is this issue being addressed in your counseling sessions? Is your husband a willing participant in the counseling and trying to openly resolve the issues that are plaguing your marriage?

For counseling to work the participants HAVE TO BE "willing to be counseled" It sounds like he is just looking for someone to blame, and NOT dealing with HOW to resolve the problem, which seems to be (in my opinion) what is wrong with society today. Nobody accepting responsibility for themselves and/or their actions.

Something that has worked for me in my relations with people who are negative or accusatory by nature, is to simply take the blame (does it really matter whose fault it is, anyways? Get it out of the way so you can work on resolving the real issue). AND then I let them know that NOW that we know WHO is to blame, we need to work on RESOLVING the problem and ask for suggestions on how to do this. Turn it into a PRODUCTIVE conversation, seeking what the real problem is and real ways to solve it...make sure you select your words carefully, as not to be accusatory and make sure your tone of voice is genuine as well.

I want to mention one more thing. I commend you for wanting to make your marriage work. Just remember that it takes TWO, hopefully your husband is as committed as you are AND keep praying for him, and I will pray for the both of you. God Bless.

Answer 8

When I read this it sounded like you were married to my husband for a minute there. My husband is a lot like that, but he does not do this on an everyday basis. The last time we got into a fight over him being like this I told him I was tired of it. I was seriously going to file for separation and find somewhere for me and my kids to go so that he would realize how much I do for him and how little he does. He knew I was being serious because we had gotten into such a big fight I left our house (after putting up a fight to leave) and walked across town to a friends house. Once I got there I made arrangements for two different people to go to my house and pick up each one of my kids and keep them until I called to pick them up once I could get their things together. He knew I was really going to go through with it and changed his tune real quick. We sat down and had a really long talk and I told him how his nagging made me feel and that he was going to have to change because I was not going to put myself through that for the rest of my life. We worked things out and are still married and still live together. Sometimes he starts in on me and I remind him of how he felt when he thought I was going to go through with my plans and tell him he is starting to make me feel that way again. Do Not let him think that he can continue to be like this the rest of your life and you will put up with it because you do not want to divorce him. You do not want your kids growing up thinking that it is ok to be like that or for them to think it is normal. Sooner or later they will start acting like that because they see it everyday. Do you want your kids to treat people that way? It doesn't just affect you. It affects you the most because you are the person who he is doing this to. You don't deserve to have to spend the rest of your life pleasing him all the time. If your not careful that is how it is going to end up.

Answer 9

First stop praying for him it wont work. If he is that critical of you its because he is unhappy with himself. Stop trying to please him it will never work if you havent realized that. Next time something you do isnt good enough tell him to do it his damn self. Odds are he wont because he knows he cant do it better then you did. He needs more help then you can give him. You claim you will not divorce him which is fine you too your vows to heart but when he eats every bit of your own self respect and esteem and your crying and so depressed your thinking of hurting yourself RETHINK those vows. They certainly never gave him the right to treat you like ****

Answer 10

we as men tend to do what ever it is we can get away with once we know your not going to leave we try less to please because we know you will be there staying together is good just find a way to keep yourself happy because if you cant find a way to be happy things are goingto ge even worse