Anybody else get into this kind of mindset?

Question

I am a good, faithful, loving husband. We have two great kids. I do everything for my wife and she barely seems to know I exist. My sexual frustration is so bad I can barely breathe. I brought flowers home the other night and gave them to her, complete with rubbing shoulders and (trying to) kissing her. She said "thanks" and left them lying on the kitchen table still wrapped and went to bed. No action that night.

Does anyone else see that people go out and have affairs and get away with it, or if they get caught their spouse forgives them anyway?

What is the point of staying faithful when it is getting me nowhere? I could live with this (at least until the kids are grown up) if I had some sort of outlet. It seems like I could go do whatever and I would have the same kind of marriage anyways.

At the same time I feel awful for thinking this. Does anyone else find themselves thinking like this? Just be honest please....I'm pretty sure I won't cheat, just venting..

OK TO BE CLEAR I have talking to her frankly, openly and calmly about this for years. Basically, her attitude is that I just have to deal with what I've got.
Been to counselling. Counsellor told her she was right and I need to "deal".
She is not cheating on me. I have done some very thorough checking and either she is truly expert at it or she's clean. I really think she's clean.

Answer 1

obviously your wife has something going on. ask her why this is happening and that you feel like a ghost in your marriage.

she could be unhappy with some dynamic of your marriage that you didn't even know about...or...she could be unhappy with herself.

also, there are some medical conditions that can wipe out a woman's sex drive. show her you love her by being concerned!

Answer 2

Everyone always says it's about the children and not the marriage ... I think that's a load of bull ... if you're not happy and the relationship isn't working out ... there's fighting and other major types of problems ( not getting any - what kind of sh*t is that - yeah real happy marriage - your wife won't even let you touch her ) ... the children see this growing up - I use to WISH my parents would get divorced ... I knew they weren't happy - plus what type of message does that send to your children ... it's ok to be miserable ... and not happy ... it probably teaches them all the wrong things to do in a relationship too so when they get older they'll have the same problems ... sorry but I think people are looking at the wrong thing when they say they're doing it for the children ... as soon as my brothers & I were out of the house my parents divorced ... that totally blew my mind - we had to put up with their bull-sh*t for years ... anyway ... I hope you get some help - or at least get laid ... lol ... !

Answer 3

Affairs are usually found out and you are faced with an angry spouse, possibility of a nasty divorce, broken home etc.
However, I know that a few male friend of mine are in your situation exactly. They told me that they hire escorts and have a blast, if you find a higher quality one, they usually have their own place, (Don't use an agency), and the experience can be wonderful, You pay, you get what you want, you get out happy. There are no emotional complications, and you can leave your wife alone, since she isn't interested. I know I might attract some angry people who will respond to my advice to you badly, and I do not mean to offend, but that's an honest answer, based on talking to a stock broker, a doctor, two lawyers and a pilot, all are married with kids, and wives who won't do anything physical with them. I hope this helps, Use protection at all times.

Answer 4

Have you tried talking to your wife about her lack of desire? I would never suggest cheating as it hurts all involved, but you need to get to the bottom of this situation. I am not sure if counselling will work, but I would give it a try if she is willing. She should also be more thankful and appreciative when she gets flowers and not just leave them and go to bed. Are there other issues that could be causing this? For women, sex is emotional so I would see what if any underlying problems there are.

Answer 5

My husband used to be this way with me. Never complimented me, always turned me down, even when I went out of my way to impress him. He'd just say, "this is what you married. you can leave if you want." He had some serious emotional issues that came out a little later (some serious PTSD problems from being a veteran of two wars, he would grab me during nightmares and have flashbacks, etc.). Anyway, he took some time to heal, and is much better now. Maybe your wife has problems with depression (you can be depressed and act happy) or some other issues with intimacy like my husband did. Has this ever come up in conversation? Was she like this before you married?

Answer 6

Do you have any idea what your wife is 'thinking about' when you 'bring her flowers' and she just leaves them on the table without water and goes to bed? You wanted 'sex' because you brought her flowers, but she is a PERSON who has 'thoughts and feelings' that are far more than just satisfying you sexually ... so I suggest that you try to have a long talk with her about 'anything that is bothering her' ... and do it not because you want sex, but because you 'love her' and want to help (if you can) or simply to 'listen' if it is a problem she needs to work out on her own. My guess is that when you do 'get around to having sex' it will be BETTER for both of you, although getting there may take some TIME, because you might have to 'prove to her' that you are not enquiring just because you WANT SEX, but that you truly LOVE HER whether you have any sex or not.

Answer 7

I changed my answer based on your new info. Try to figure out why she feels the way she does, whats wrong. If she won't talk, or she claims that nothing is wrong, and you've already been to counciling, then maybe you need to talk to her about options. Some people have open marriages, where they are allowed to have another sexual partner as long as it never interferes with the marriage? Otherwise, you have to decide if you can deal with the way things are. If not, think about seperation or divorce.

Good luck.

Answer 8

Perhaps a better counselor will help. I never heard of a counselor who told the husband to 'just deal with it.' Doesn't sound like a good solution to me. Has your wife talked to her doctor about her lack of sex drive? In the mean time, like everyone else has said, just be there for her. It's frustrating, but hopefully things will turn around.

Answer 9

Don't cheat. You have to tell her how you feel - not yelling - just be frank and straightforward. Tell her it's straining your relationship and you're not willing to stay in a relationship that's so one-sided. It's not a threat - it's the truth. You don't deserve to be ignored and taken for granted...no one does. Just a thought - Are you sure she isn't cheating on YOU? If you aren't...maybe hire a PI or something. If she's totally unwilling to work through it, you are left to decide if you can tolerate a life like that forever. I wouldn't!!

Answer 10

Hey I'm with ya brother, been there, done that, tried everything. I'm just a laborer, gardener and a paycheck. Like you, completely ignored and taken for granted. My own level of unhappiness has forced me to look outside the marriage for what I so desperately need. I hate that, what it has done to me, what it is forcing me to do. It comes down to chucking aside life as you know it for your own happiness. I'm not quite there yet, but the experiences I've had are showing me the way. I believe everything happens for a reason. I just wish I could see some reasons! Good luck brother.