Is it right to have a baby just to save a marriage?

Question

I'v posted a few questions about my husband and I being unable to carry a pregnancy (3 miscarriages, 1 stillbirth in 2 years) and my DR wants me to give up because it is playing havoc on my hormones in my body and she's concerned about my mental health. I want to give up too. Adoption is still an option and we are signed up for it and on the waiting list. We still do need to raise a few thousand dollars before we can go onto the next step though, but I'm going to be 40 soon and thinking of shutting this whole thing down. Many people are saying that in order to save my marriage I should do ANYTHING to get a child, whether its surrogacy, in vitro, (woudlnt work, I can't carry a pregnancy) or asking a family member to have one for me. I'm not sure how correct this is...if my marriage is going to fail if we don't have children, then is it really fair to put the whole success of the marriage on to a poor innocent child? What do you think?

Answer 1

No. The baby will just be a bandaid to a broken marriage.

I think you two should refocus on eachother again and spend time together instead pressuring yourself to have a baby. Your body has gone through 3 miscarriage and 1 still birth in 2 years!!!

You need to slow down and take care of yourself. Your Dr is right.

Answer 2

Having a child is not the right thing to saving your marriage, that is worst thing you can do. Trying to find a child just keep your husband is so wrong, there are a lot of couples that don't have children. To be honest sometimes having a child can destroy some marriages, your 40 years old and your both use to going out when you want to. If you have a child your tied down all the time and at 40 years old by the time they get 10 you'll 50 or 51 years old and they become teenager you AIN'T seen nothing, yet.

Answer 3

Statistics are very decieving and often made up, so do not bring a child into this world based on what you read on the internet. I can tell you this - every relationship I know of that had a baby to "save it" is done. Some ended quicker than others. That's at least 3 close friends and several acquaintances. Babies are stressful even for the closest couples so while having a baby might create a different kind of bond for you and your partner, it doesn't mean it's going to keep you together or make things better.

Answer 4

I don't answer very many of these, but here are some things you should think about... Hope it is helpful.

Children don't save marriages,--- children are, in general, divisive, not bonding, and marriages have to be pretty solid to withstand the trauma of children, even when they are wanted.... shaky marriages just get shakier when a child screams all night, colic never-ending, vomit in the bed, dirty diapers, fussiness for no apparent reason,yaddayada... and this is true even when the parents are bonded, the marriage is solid, and the desire for children is all-consuming... as you two seem to feel... Realize that a child won't save it, in your case will just make it better.... and many people feel that marriage is indeed better with a child....

Your options are many, and as you said, expensive... You can donate an egg, invitro fertilization, and implanted in someone else.... the "rent-a womb" option. (Adopted Caucasian American babies are risky, unless you know the parents.... teenagers who get pg are often druggies, as will most agencies worth their salt tell you.. and horror stories abound --- one really bad case was in Orange County, Ca., this child adopted out several times, and only after the kid continued with severe mental difficulties, and did someting really terrible, did the parents find out this child's medical history.... they ended up suing Orange County's agency, and won the case.... things like this send parents into Asia, and Latin America for children....)
If a family member were willing to carry one for you with your ova and your husband's sperm, how lovely a gift. Short of that, since you are truly desirous of a child, do what you and all others involved would do, fully realizing that everyone must be comfortable with the decision, and share with the child someday the origin of his/her existence..
There are some things that you would need to address, prior to such a decision, however.... the most obvious is: Who will be responsible for the care of this child if it something less than normal... anything from slight, to severe.... And for that reason, you and all those who would be involved need an attorney...and the more all of you have worked out in the way of all the possible "What Ifs"..., the less the attorney has in the way of working out the details, and therefore the cheaper the contract you will all sign, if you choose to go this way...Things will always become more complicated where there are more people involved than just the two of you
Good luck, hon....

Answer 5

I agree whole heartedly with you. Having a child has NOTHING to do with the success of a marriage. If anything, it adds alot of stresses financially, mentally, emotionally, physically. It's a beautiful thing but even a rose has it's thorns. If having children saved marriages, there would be no divorces with child support being paid. You need to focus on your health FIRST and foremost. I'm sure that your husband loves you and that would also be his MAIN concern. If not, you need to think about that very seriously. Adoption is a very selfless and loving way to have a family. If you both talked about that and agreed to it, then look straight ahead and focus on making that happen. Just remember this, the success to a marriage is the couple. Nobody or anything else. If you ain't got what it takes together, you ain't ever going to no matter what you add to the mix. A healthy body and a strong mind is where you need to be for yourself, your mate and any possible kiddos!

Answer 6

A baby won't save a marriage that's already in trouble. I think that with your previous experiences trying to carry a child and with your age etc your chances of bringing your own child into the world are very slim indeed. You have done everything you can to have a child and it hasn't worked for you. Your health, both physical and mental, is under severe pressure with all that's going on with you and your husband and the likelihood is that it will deteriorate further with all the stress. Your husband should understand that you have done everything possible and that it isn't your fault that all pregnancies resulted in miscarriage or still birth. That's an awful lot to deal with in a very short period of time. You need to let your body heal itself and getting pregnant again won't help you. Don't be fooled though, even if you did carry a baby to full term, it wouldn't be any guarantee that your marriage would survive. If your husband still loves you he would try to understand what you're going through right now and see what multiple failed pregnancies are doing to you both!!!

Answer 7

Sweety don't put yourself through this. I am sorry to hear about your inability to carry a child. But do NOT have a child to save your marriage. If your marriage is falling apart a child will not save it, it might prevent divorce but what kind of environment would it create for the baby? I have 2 children one is 13 the other is 8 months. Due to cervical issues I can have no more and medically my second one is a miracle. I want another but realize that not only would I be putting my life in danger but the babies too. There has to be a reason why you miscarry is something wrong with your cervix? Or is it genetic flawing? With my children its cervical issues. First one was born 23 weeks 5 days gestation and should not have lived, the other through the grace of god was only a month early but it wrecked hell on my body. I say save your sanity as much as you want a baby having one to say a marriage/relationship is the WRONG reason to have one. If he loves you he'll understand your position on this

Answer 8

No, don't have a child to save a marriage. If you don't want to raise a child then don't do it. If you decide you still want one and are able to adopt, go for it. Don't do it just to make your husband/partner happy and you are right, it isn't fair to pin all of that on a small innocent child. Your marriage is between the two of you and should be strong and stable before having a child enter the family unit. The stressors placed on your relationship as a result of having a child will only pull the marriage apart if it is all ready shaky. I think its very responsible of you to consider this and wish more people would put more thought into the subject of kids before having them.

Answer 9

100% sure a child will not save a marriage. Children make a relationship a little more stressed. As much as a blessing a child is, they are not to save marriages. That's a huge task for such a new and tiny life. Don't do it to yourself or the child.

Answer 10

No you should never consider a baby would help a relationship
those people who are telling you to do anything to have a kid are stupid if the marriage is on the rocks without a baby what do you think stress and added expenses are going to do wake-up and realize this if you have already considered giving up that could be your inner-self telling you that you don't need a baby to be happy in life.