How do you end a very long term marriage?

Question

I feel my marriage is dead. We have not been intimate with each other for many, many years. Too embrassed to state here.
The kids are grown and away at school. Is this the time. I held off until I felt I was ready and the kids were older. I feel this is the time. We do not communicate, but live in the same house. How does one start a conversation with " I think we need to divorce".
Or is it that simple?
Maybe, I lack the courage to do this because of the fear of being alone and not being able to find another.
Thanks for your reples!

Answer 1

just sit the other down and say that we need to get a divorce, and talk over anything that you need to

Answer 2

Have you and your husband been to marriage counseling and help yet to try to work on and save your marriage... Have you done everything in your power to make it work? I have question for you when the kids were growing up did you put most of the time in your kids and not your marriage? Did you and your husband become strangers because of it? The mistake alot of married couples make is that they put more time into the kids when the kids are grwoing up and they do not invest any time in their marriage... That is why it falls apart when the kids up and leave because the only thing they have in common are the kids... Very sad but very true... I feel that you should focus on your marriage and spouse and and get to know each other all over again and communicate and date... Basically start all over again. I do not feel that divorce is the answer here at least not yet.
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Answer 3

Ask yourself do you really want to get divorced ? have you tried every last revenue like a marriage counselor etc . if there is no more love in this marriage something else is going on here you guys are not communicating to each other . you now what kind make a marriage turn around a nice loving hug for at least 15-30 second people need to have a sense of love in there life .if all else fails you will both no it is time to end this marriage and move on you only live once and you deserve to be happy for the rest of your life

Answer 4

First of all, are you absolutely sure that you want to end the marriage? Divorce is NOT an easy thing to go through. It has an impact on every area of your life. Have you tried counseling? If you have, or you spouse just wont go for it, then it may be time for the big D.
I was in the same situation and my spouse would not go to counseling. It was very difficult. There is no easy way to say you want a divorce. You just have to do it. Just remember to be kind.
In my case, it was the best thing that I ever did for myself. I should have done it MUCH sooner. I found a much better match for myself after the divorce and went on to remarry. You will too, if you decide to end your current situation.

Answer 5

Married for 13 years, dated her for 2 before that. Forgave her for the first affair in hopes of keeping the family together, but the second affair was too much of a slap in the face. So I just filed for divorce, have been separated since April of 2006, and no it's not easy getting back in the dating game. But you know what? It will happen, you will meet someone else. It just takes some time. In your case the marriage being over long ago, it's going to be a little easier for you to get back into the swing of things.

Be comfortable about who you are and you will find that being alone is not such a bad place. You get to know yourself better and the only way to allow another person to fully understand you, is to first understand yourself. Know what you want out of this life, and put your foot down till you get what you want. Including the attention you deserve.

Answer 6

Wow sounds familiar!! My husband and I have been married for 20 years, two kids grown. 1 away and 1 at home. We don't talk that much any more and we have nothing in common anymore. We have grown apart. We don't argue we just don't talk. Now that my kids are grown I really don't want this life that I have.I want time to myself and to do my own thing. We live in a town and we don't have any family close.To get to your question, I wanted to talk to my husband last night and he got mad at me and went away pouting so I was trying to get to the point of maybe separating for a while but he didn't want any part of it. I think separation could be good for a short time. But not to long you will just get that much more distant from each other. See how things go.Don't have the fear of being alone and please don't worry about getting "another" why would you want "another"?

Answer 7

Wow... That's tough...well...I am sorry that this is happening for one. I have a question though. Do you think it might have been better to address these problems when they started happening??? You could have avoided years of silence by cutting through to the truth. Have you tried counseling...did something happen in your relationship that caused this or did it happen gradually? You see, I say that you should never stay in a loveless marriage. I would rather be alone and unmarried than be in a marriage that doesn't make me happy. Think about it this way...if the roles were reversed, would you want to know? I know it is tough, but I think you owe your marriage at least that. You guys may have had it tough, but you have great children out of it...so be loyal to your marriage and tell the truth.

Answer 8

Marriage is work. If you feel like it's "dead" then make a date with your wife to revive it! I'm not sure if you've given up completely but if you truly want this to work, try it. If you get a divorce, you'll have to start over with someone else, why not start over with the person who shares your children. Make dates, go out. Your kids are grown, there are no boundaries! Have fun with each other and that will definitely help your sex life as well.

Answer 9

Okay, I am 45 and divorced after 20 years of marriage. You sound like you might be older, but it's hard to tell. I tried to make a horrible marriage last for the sake of my kids, but finally got to the point of being unable to do so any longer. My kids suffered through the divorce, but they are healthier now in the long run because they live in a more stable home.

If your marriage is as bad as you say, have you considered marriage counseling? If that is not an option for you, then I would just sit down with your spouse (you didn't indicate your gender) and tell him/her how you are feeling. Chances are that if you are feeling this way, they are too.

Nobody wants to be alone or to start over. I hated my marriage but there is a certain feeling of security of being married, especially when one has been married a long time. The prospect of being single again was daunting for me. When you end a marriage, there is no timeframe that you should have for finding someone else other than making sure you are emotionally healthy and ready for a new relationship. I had been separated for a year before my divorce was final, and then I met someone else 2 months after my divorce was final. My sister on the other hand, has been divorced for several years and still has not found anyone. She has many wonderful traits that would be attractive to any man, but until she can finally "get over" her husband who married the woman he cheated with, she will never find another man.

My point to you is this: it is far better to be single and pursuing happiness, than to be trapped in a loveless marriage where there is no chance for happiness for the rest of your life. Life is too short. Once you adjust to being away from your spouse, then you can learn to heal from the divorce itself. Then you will start to realize that you are "OK" by yourself and that life indeed does move on and you CAN live a fulfilling life. You can try to socialize with others on a casual basis to get your confidence back and to see that other people can and will enjoy your company. I go out often with my fiance and we like to go to a karaoke house because he likes to sing. There are many people my age and older who go there and dance and socialize and just have a good time (as well as many people much younger there). You might be surprised to find that there are many people who are single at your age. Most of these singles have been married also and will be able to relate.

If you feel now is the time to divorce, then just sit down with your spouse and tell them honestly and simply. Then follow through. It will be hard, but trust me, you and your spouse WILL get through it. You can tell your kids that you both love them and it was your love for them that kept you both together all these years, but that you both just need to be happy and to move on toward that goal. As long as you don't bad-mouth the other parent to your kids or make it difficult when it comes to family get-togethers, then your kids should hopefully adjust and be supportive. Chances are, they already suspect that you two have been unhappy - they ought to know - they lived with you.

Good luck and best wishes to you.

Answer 10

I'm sorry you have been unhappy in your marriage--here are my thoughts:
I think you need to think carefully about this--you say you have been unhappy for a long time-well--why didn't you try to do something about it--It would be easy for you to just come up with--hey--i want a divorce now that the kids are gone--type of thing--and to make it look like you were silently suffering al this time--but maybe your spouse was suffering silently as well--maybe s/he wasn't thrilled with your marriage either...you see --it takes 2 to tango--and the state of your marriage was created by both you and your spouse--I would recommend therapy--and marital counseling--from the way you write, it sounds like you have already made up your mind and this is unfortunate because making a major decision like divorce should come after some efforts to improve your marriage, etc...some talks TOGETHER about it--if you just spring this news on your spouse-it might be more revealing of your communication style--how you keep negative feelings to yourself and don't try to talk about them--maybe your spouse does the same--and then you both just make your own private decisions without consulting one another----work on getting your spouse to talk about your marriage and say that you need to work on improving your marriage--see a marriage counselor and take it from there...

I'm not saying you should stay in an unhappy marriage--just realize you helped create it--and you can uncreate it by leaving or by trying to improve it--and don't have it become a power play--where you just say--guess what--I've suffered too long and now i'm outta here--or something to that effect--try talking to them

Good Luck...

Answer 11

Never been there, but sorry to hear about the situation. Here is what I found on a google search of "How to talk about getting a divorce".
http://ezinearticles.com/?5-Things-To-Do-Before-You-Even-Think-About-Getting-A-Divorce&id=23648

It tells you about stuff you should do before you even say anything to her, and how to protect yourself legally.

Have you tried other options? A romantic getaway? To one of those expensive places you couldn't go to before because of the kids, for example? 20 years is a long time.

If it is time to get a divorce, I would try my best to be gracious and kind - make it seem like a mutual decision rather than you leaving her. It will make the divorce smoother if you can do that as well.

Good luck.