Fiance won't stop bugging me about getting a friend?

Question

My fiance and I have always had a stable relationship except for one issue...I don't have any close friends. He has a few who he meets up with for fishing and hunting trips, but I'm a loner and prefer to stay home. We've been together 4+ years, and I've always been this way, yet he will not let it go. Now he's saying that he's going to introduce me to girls that he thinks I'd like to go hang out with, and he's offered to watch the kids while I go.

I'm too tired after work and raising an infant and an older son who sometimes gets into quite a bit of trouble. I can barely hold a phone conversation with my own sister once a week. Not to mention I work with my mother, so I crave alone time when I have it. He gets irritated because instead of trying to make friends, I like to do solitary activities, usually meaning I'm reading, on the computer doing research, or I'm playing my Gameboy. I don't hang around him all the time, I just like my alone time when I get it. Is he right?

Also, he has tried having girls over to get me to be more social. It didn't work. I always wound up giving excuses as to why I didn't want to go anywhere.

I guess I should add that they weren't just random girls he had over. Most were relatives, one was a coworker. He does feel guilty everytime he leaves with friends, but it's not often, maybe 2 times a month, and i've already told him it doesn't bother me unless he shows up hours late, which he never has.

Answer 1

Tell him that you have lived your life so far without being dysfunctional and you are spread thin already with all your obligations. Inform him that since you do not intrude upon his activities and free social time he should kindly stay the hell out of yours. My fiance is a Doctor who works with patients and people all day, He is a wonderful intelligent well educated man, and, like you, when he comes home, he need alone time, and does not have a close personal friends outside of work colleagues and family. There are a lot of people who value quiet time and friendships should not be forced. You are who you are and your partner must respect it.

Answer 2

There's nothing wrong with you, I'm the same way, and been this way pretty much my whole life. It's actually a chore when I have to do something "social" after work or on a weekend; my favorite thing to do is to come home and read, play a computer game or watch a documentary. The great thing is that my husband is the same way, and we enjoy spending time together - just the two of us. When we do end up socializing on the weekend, we try to make sure we have at least one of the days as a "quiet" day with nothing planned, so we can veg out at home. I'm sure your fiancé means well, but after 4 years, it's time he accepted the fact that you will not change, and that it isn't some personality disorder that needs to be remedied.

Answer 3

He just doesn't understand your point of view. Men make their "play-time" a big priority, above things like family (some do anyway). My husband used to bug me, too, while he went out and had all the fun. I said, fine, you stay home with the child and do the housework and stuff and cook me supper for once. He said, "why can't you just take the baby to my mom's? I would think "because she's a nut bag." He was always all over me about not having a life outside the home, work and school. I I was working full-time, in grad school three hours away and no help with the housework or the baby. I said, "ummmm, what time do I have for that?" I would just say, "well, the only thing that upsets me about it is that you are all over me about it. Mind your own business."

Answer 4

I would be disturbed about this if I were you, because you seem to be content to be alone yet he is trying to change you. However, it could just mean that he is worried about you or that he feels you will lean on him too much in your marriage when problems crop up. I like to be alone, but I also like to be with friends. Think back to when you were a kid, or in high school. Did you always like to be alone even then? If so, it is just who you are, and he should love you for who you are, not what he can make you into. If not, try to figure out what has changed for you that makes you so much less interested in being friendly with people. Have you been betrayed by a close friend? Is it just fatigue? You need to really think on this because you can't marry someone thinking they will change - and he needs to know that. You are who you are, and you always will be.

Answer 5

It is important to have your own friends. Even if it's only one. It's hard to find friends as an adult but your husband is right, you do need someone other then just him in your life. It's healthy. Your husband wants the best for you, I wouldn't take it as a bad sign. If you CAN'T make friends, you may want to see a therapist, there could be an issue with depression or social anxiety that you have not addressed. But do listen to your husband, he is right. You need to have a friend besides just him. It's healthy.

Answer 6

I think he's concerned that you're missing out on something. But if you are completely happy than things should be left they way they are. My only warning would be that once your kids grow up you may look around and wonder how much of your life was centered around them. So when they start to have their own friends and are a little more hands off it might get lonely. Just something to ponder.

Answer 7

My wife is very similiar to you. We've been together almost two years, and most of that time she has been a stay at home mom. She was very content until recently.

Yesterday she flipped out saying that she never gets to get out of the house and have any adult interaction. We are taking steps to rectify this but, I just warn you that this might happen to you too.

Answer 8

Try to get him to understand that you would rather be alone than with others when he’s not around. There is nothing wrong with alone time, I value alone time. He sees it as a problem because he is a sociable person and you are not. Do whatever makes you happy.

Answer 9

well my wife was the same way and I constantly bugged her about metting new people and making new friends. after encouraging her to leave the home to find a job, not because we needed the money but to get her to interact with other people she met a young man and had an affair. so be careful what you wish for.

Answer 10

I wonder if he wants you to have a friend so badly because he feels guilty about leaving you to go and do things with HIS friends? it's just a thought....so maybe the answer is for you to really let him know that you don't begrudge him that time with buddies, and that you also have the right to decide how you want to spend your leisure.