How do I learn to forgive my Husband for hitting me and hurting me?

Question

We have been married 16 yrs. He has threatened to hit before but never has. But this time durin our heated argument he threatened with his fist and I said go ahead hit me, and he did 5 times. I had deep bruises all over my chest and arm plus he shoved me down on the floor when i tried to defend myself and hurt my tailbone. I hurt for days after. His defense is I made him do it. i did dig my fingernails into his arm when I was mad. But that is the only physical pain i could put on him probably cause I am a small woman. I did try though. My first husband abused me for 10 years and I swore to myself and everyone else no man would ever hit me again. But I guess my Husband proved me wrong. Could this be why I am having a hard time forgiving him? he violated my trust that he would never hurt me like my first husband did. All the time I relive the experience in my head of him punching me over and over in anger untill I started crying after he shoved me down then he was sorry.How do I forgive?

Answer 1

Before you thumbs-down me to death read the whole thing please.....

You know what? I would be able to easily give an answer if you hadn't had this line in there:

"i did dig my fingernails into his arm when I was mad"

I mean, people can really hurt people doing that. I don't know how hard you did it.

I make no excuses for anyone hitting anyone man or woman against man or woman - except in self-defence.

Is it POSSIBLE he hit you to get you to let go of his arm?

I am not trying to rationalize what he did. This is wrong. I just find it odd that after 16 years he hits you once. Typically abuse in relationships starts earlier than this.

Perhaps I am giving the benefit of the doubt where it is not due (I don't know you guys at all), but I just wonder if it's really possible that someone can hit someone in one episode and it never happen again. I don't know.

An example: my mother hit my father (smashed a jar on his head WAY back in the 70s) and my father clobbered her. This was, however, the only instance of violence. There was NEVER a repeat.

SO: Although I am very reluctant in this, and I could be very wrong, but IF this might actually be the only time maybe this can be fixed.

IF you decide to stay, 2 simple rules:

1. Never hit him in any way (including pinching, biting, digging nails etc).
2. If he hits you again that's it. Over.

If you hit him first you sort of give him a LITTLE bit of an excuse. Again I only hear the details of his damage to you. If you cut him up with your nails, well, the courts might accept this as justification for him hitting you (although likely only once or until you let go).

I'm gonna get raked over the coals for this I am sure. I am just trying to be fair.

Answer 2

You are having a hard time forgiving him because what he did was unforgivable. How would you feel about your husband if he beat a child or an animal? Anyone who takes their anger out on a weaker, vulnerable person does not deserve to be forgiven.
Your husband does not sound like he is remorseful. There will not be any changes until he recognizes what he did can NEVER happen again.
You've been down this road before. You seem to have made the same mistake. But now is the time to look at where this relationship is and learn from your past lessons. Don't let him push you around. His violent behavior is likely to escalate. If you don't feel safe, look for a shelter and get some help for yourself. You deserve better.

Answer 3

First of all you did not make him do it as he did that all by
himself, the only way you can truly forgive him is through
time when he has proven to you time and time again that
he is sorry for hitting you. Since he did not do it before
and has only done it once then you owe it to your marr-
iage to try and work it out. Next time don't entise him by
saying go ahead and hit me as some men take that into
account when they are married, however no excuse as
NO MAN should ever hit ANY WOMAN period. If ever you
and him do get into another argument and he does hit you
then that should be his seal for you to know not to toler-
ate anymore and TELL him so. Do not accept physical
or mental abuse from him at anytime because you will
always be the one getting hurt. As a woman be strong as
there are laws that protect you and do what you need to
do if it continues, because you will NEVER be happy in
an abusive relationship, physically or mentally.

Answer 4

My advice to you is not to forgive but to move on. Before you check out on my answer, I was an abused wife for 18 years before I got out. You know how this works. As soon as he knows that you're not going to do anything about it, it will happen again, then more frequently, then more aggressively until you are really afraid and hurt. I think that you probably learned this lesson with the other guy, so I won't go into it again.

This time though, this man will get the idea that if he hits you, you will take the blame and try to "fix" things. Now that he has hit you with no ramifications, it will probably happen again because now he knows too that you won't do anything to stop him.

In all honesty, I would ask you to reconsider your relationship with this man. It wasn't a "mistake" that he hit you and you didn't "make" him do it - HE did it. As you know, appologies mean nothing in this.

I have been lucky so far. In my new relationship, my guy does know about my past history of abuse and has never even raised his voice to me or around me because he knows how upset it makes me. I have made it extremely clear to him that I love him with everything that I am, but if he ever raises a hand to me or touches me in anger or uses foul language to me or is in any way abusive, I will leave and never come back.

I think that that's what you need to do. No matter how much it hurts you to leave, he crossed that line and it will happen again - you know it will. No matter how sorry he says that he is, unless he takes some concrete action (like anger manangement) he should be history.

Please, never ever allow yourself to be hit or abused. It will make you depressed and anxious and destroy your self-esteem.

Answer 5

The problem here is that you are stuck in the cycle of abuse. You promised yourself after the first abusive husband that you would not be hit, but you did not promise yourself that you would not be abused. You got away from physical violence in trade for just emotional violence, which is no better.

Your best course of action is to divorce your current husband and get into therapy. You may also want to consider a Psychiatrist. Both will help you stop the cycle of abuse.

I can tell you this from experience. I was abused emotionally as a child and my wife was physically abused as a child and then emotionally by a man for 19 years. We know the cycle well. She has been on medicine and in therapy for over five years. I did not get treatment, but I have definitely been affected by the abuse.

By the way, do not forgive him for hitting you. Hurting someone you supposedly love is not loving or kind or acceptable. Once you get into therapy you will start to see that. You are worth so much more than that.

Take care,
Troy

Answer 6

You don't forgive, you get the hell out.
Why live with a man who would hurt you in that way? It's sounds to like you are unable to break the pattern of being with abusive men. You have been abused a lot in your life and don't know any different, but let me tell you, a man hitting a women or even threatening is unacceptable! If you are having arguments with your husband in which he is threatening you, this is wrong. I've been married for 10 years and my husband has never threatened me with anything, but then we don't argue to the point of violence. No one should raise a hand against you.
Please don't forgive him for hitting you, that is crazy! Being in a loving relationship means NO violence. Love is NOT about hitting.
Leave.

Answer 7

You can't forgive him. You probably don't realize it, but over the course of your 16 yr marriage, he's slowly eroded your self esteem and confidence, obviously making you feel as though no one else would want you. That's why he threatened you so much, because he helped him feel in control of the situation. You've seen signs of mental abuse before with this guy, you just didn't connect it with physical abuse later on.

If you have kids, then you need to form an escape plan and get out. If not, then you can walk out the door to a shelter or friend and divorce him. If you plan of forgiving him and staying, don't expect things to get any better. He's already hit you, so forgiving him just gives him permission to do much worse.

Answer 8

It sounds like you invited him.

Men give off certain signals that they're getting "maxed out", and it's everyone's job to back away from these difficult situations.

While he shouldn't be threatening physical treatment, - it's rather provocative when someone says "go ahead". That's almost like an agreement you're both on the same side on. He said he was being pushed too-far, - and frankly, - you just didn't care or didn't believe him.

I wouldn't say that you "made him do it", but I guess you can agree that the first punch was "invited" and the last 4 were not. For those feminist militants that answered, - they tell every woman to "get out, - he'll do it again". But it took 16 yrs to get to this point, - you just might have to wait another 16 yrs to get another one. By then, - he'll be throwing his cane at you. These "miltants" don't give a darn about family life, cooperation and togetherness, -they just have a "me-first" mentality that leaves them lonely and angry.

BTW: I was married to my 2nd (current) wife and we're driving up the Interstate 95, and she kept during the car radio on and I'm driving, and I keep turning it off, - in my car. I ended up swerving in traffic lanes with this 'altercation'. My last statement was that I'd put her out of the car if she did it again.

I had to physically pull her out of my car, - and my rear-view mirror showed her walking on the shoulder of the highway, -15 miles from our house.

***
BTW2: Here's your prior posting (the rest of the story)
We have been married for 15 years but last night it became physically abusive. Maybe I deserved to be punched?

He came home mad because the house wasn't clean and I was outside hanging christmas lights instead of cleaning. And it esculated from there. I was angry at him for his rudeness about it and I told him after he said "i will not live like this" I said fine, find somewhere else to live. Anyway I made him so mad he shoved a chair at me and hit my leg. Which is sore today. I got furious and started attacking him but not really hurting him. I did pinch his arm. Thats the worst I did. Anway he started punching me in the chest and arm and back which made me even madder so I am coming at him (not that I am big enough to do anything) but he shoves me down and I hit the floor so hard I peed my pants. Today I have bruises all over and my lower back hurts. he walks around like I hurt him telling my 30 yo daughter that I punched him first and I deserved to be hit. 5 or 6 times? My daughter thinks I should leave him. I don't know what to do. Advice needed here!!
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Answer 9

You forgive him from a distance. Yes, and you cannot possibly forgive him right now. you have not even forgiven yourself yet. You haven't even let this settle into your consciousness yet. Right now you are trying to forgive and move past it. Your past experiences have taught you that you cannot ignore this. You need to get away from him for a while. You have to focus on what do you need right now. you have to remind yourself that you have been through this before you are a strong woman and you are ready to do the work it takes to have the relationships in your life that nuture you and make you stronger. He hit you 5 times. Honey you can't forgive him yet your common sense your self value and self love wont let you. You need to take care of you first.

Answer 10

When he gets counselling and moves out and you seek counselling.
You should know that this is not normal behavior, but you have a history of abusive relationships and need to learn how to get beyond that. That might mean being single for a while. If he doesn't change, there is no need to forgive, it will only happen again.