Need help with my wife?

Question

37 and never married before. My wife of 5 yrs has been lying and stealing from me (family) since the first month of marriage The only way she will admit this behavior is if I catch her red handed and even then she denies it or she will admit it, then, will deny it the next time like it never happened thus causing more problems. I think if I just turn a blind eye all will be good (to her). I’ve done that on too much stuff. She can be a sweet heart in many ways (as my family & friends see her)& I think I still love her. I have taken on her two children from her other two marriages as my own. Private school, vacations homework etc..She has been diagnose w/depression (as her mother and her daughter (my step daughter) been to counseling, doctors, medications etc…her behavior has changed very little if not at all. She is aware of her lies and stealing but it only changes how she goes about continuing it. IE abuses my credit cards and then throws away my statements ((so I don’t see them) (&other bills/mail to make it look like the post offices fault). Now hides incoming checks (Lots of this stuff). Counselor #2, Pastor w/ counseling degree, recommended a book titled Adult Children of Alcoholics, applies also to dysfunction raised children that revere to abnormal behavior because that is familiar to them. Pastor gave both of us (many sessions) things to work on I did mine, she actual went in the opposite direction. I don’t think she has cheated on me but I’ve been floored before. Do I need to end it?

Answer 1

The pastor is right. You do need to read that book as is applies to you. You need to learn the skills to cope with a family member that suffers from a mental conditions. It's not easy! and I commend you for trying to make things work.

I hate to say this. but you marry her "for better or for worse", so now that the worse is here... are you going to run away now? How would you feel if you get sick and yoru wife will run away because "she didn;t sign up for that". Think about it.

You have to learn this word: ACCEPTANCE. If you are disturbed, is because you find some person, place, thing or situation unnaceptable to you. You will find no serenity until you accept that that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way is supporsed to be at this momenment, Accept life on life's termes. If you are unnacpting, then you will be unhappy.

I know that you are frustrated and do not understand why she is the way she is, but you cannot cahnge the way she was raised and her family history. Youc an learn to live with it and support her throught her treatment. Things can get better if she follows through her treatment and she needs you to help her follow through, since depressed people tend to neglect their treatment.

Give it a try, if yoru wouldn't love her your wouldn;t have stand 5 years of this. Is in your ahnds to understand the diesease and LEARN to cope with this. This is extremely difficult, frustrating and emotionally draining, but if you love her, you should help her, and if she loves you, then she will follow her treatment.

About the c/c. may I suggest cancelling her c/c and change them for allowance cards instead? You can ask you back for a c/c with a set amount and that's it.

Go to a financial advisor with her, you need to discuss about how finances should be handled from now on. You have to put yoru foot down on this one! You have been pretty lieniant and understanding, but she can ruin your credit and your finances with her expending habits and the lies.

I belive that you shoyuld tell her that if things must change or otherwise, you will consider divorce at this point. That will wake her up because her security blanket will be gone and she is not disable not to understand.

Ps/ If you don't have kids with her, is best that you divorce her before littles ones are involved. You are still on you prime and is not worth wasting your youth and your money away.

Good luck

Answer 2

Despite what most people might think, don't end it. She needs unconditional love, not someone else to split on her when she is in a bad way. Also, consider the kids and how they have been raised. They need a stable adult in their lives that won't leave and who will set a good example for them. Their mother sure isn't. I would keep looking for other solutions to her depression. There are a lot of people who cope with depression or other difficult life experiences by spending and spending. It's called "retail therapy", and I've been guilty of it a time or two, especially in the single years after a breakup, but not to the extent of your wife. Help her deal with the cause of her depression. Leaving will only reenforce and repeat the things in her life (and the lives of her kids) that have caused these problems in the first place. Hang in there and good luck.

Answer 3

First of all, you need to protect your credit and finances. Cut up the credit cards and only keep one that you need for emergency purposes locked away where she can not get to it. Open a different bank account in your name only and move your money there so she can not have any access to it. Anything that she can steal of value that you do not want to loose and have sold or pawned off, you need to get it put in a safe place as well. Then you need to get her to see someone that deals with kleptomaniacs and habitual liars. I had a friend that was just like that, he would lie and steal even if you caught him red handed. He stole from his parents, friends, neighbors, was caught on numerous times and kept right on lying and stealing. It was not because he needed it, it was an illness he had. Get her to see someone that deals with that kind of stuff. Sounds like she is getting creative in her lies and trying to cover them up, so you need to take steps to protect yourself and your family. If she goes off the deep end because she thinks you are being unfair, then give her the walking papers. Collect any and all evidence you can to support your claims of what is going on, because if you do have to get a divorce, the judge will be a lot more understanding if you can show how she has been stealing and lying.

Answer 4

You sound like a great guy and a family man. Unfortunately your wife has an illness. If she is lying and stealing for the past 5 years . If your wife is not aware of the problem or is not willing to work on it then you need to move on. Marriage is work and it takes 2 to work at it. Before you end it I would research all Avenues. If she is not willing to get help then it looks like she is making the choice for you.

Answer 5

You have alot to deal with. All I can say is, you cannot help anyone unless they try to help themselves. Your wife seems to think she can't be held accountable for anything and you're left to pick up the pieces.

The best thing would be to get full custody of the children and end your relationship....speak to her first about divorce, as this may be the wake up call she needs. Other than that mate, I really don't know how you're going to continue on a daily basis with all this hanging over your head.

I wish the very best to you and your's and I hope things start to straighten out before she completely ruins the future for all concerned.

Answer 6

Why can't you take away the credit cards?
Why can't you call all your credit card people and make a change of address so you can be getting your own mail at the post office in another box?

I guess I'd consider leaving her if she's a thief. That won't get you anywhere fast.

She's probably not even taking her medications.

Dump her and dump her fast.

Answer 7

Can you cancel the credit cards? Start with finding out what shape you really are in financially so you won't be in for any surprises. You can phone the credit card companies for the balances. They just need your date of birth and maybe another question. You're not helpless here. She should be disclosing to you whatever she's spent. Tell her you need this knowledge so you can plan things maybe special things for her and the family. It sounds like she likes the good life with no accountibility. We need to be open and honest with our spouses as it will all come out anyway.

Answer 8

Has your wife gone to a psychiatrist or a psychologist with an MD? She may be dealing with bi-polar disorder (manic/ depression) rather than simple depression. She may need medical therapy as well. However, if she does not discipline herself to get better (stop acting out). No therapy will help.

You need to see if she is willing to help herself, that will help the family most. Otherwise she is a threat to herself and your family, including the daughters. Your last worry is her going out on you.

Trust me.

Answer 9

WOW! You have your hands full don't you? You can not change her and her behavior, she has to want to change. You keep working you and your feelings. You should get more counseling for just yourself to cope with this. If she doesn't want to work on fixing herself, then there's not much else you can do. Sounds like she could ruin you financially and stuff. Good luck!

Answer 10

You need to make that decision on your own. Sometimes loving someone means having to let them go but it also means sometimes that you need to force them to look at themselves and their problems. Have you ever seen that tv show intervention? You may need to confront her and make her see the huge problem that her life has become and then she will either get help ( have her checked into a hospital) or she will decide to go it alone and hit rock bottom. As much as we want to save our love ones sometimes they have to hit bottom before they realize that the enemy is really themselves. You can't make her get help and until she wants the help your not going to get anywhere. Whatever you do try to maintain your relationship with your kids. They need you.