Do the MARRIAGE VOWS read "UNTIL IT IS NOT FUN OR TOO HARD OR I AM TIRED OF IT?

Question

I'll have to ask the priest and the rabbi about that. That is what it sounds like based on these boards.
I "fell out of love," I "was bored," "my spouse had some problem (that could be addressd with patience, therapy or treatment but "hey, I didn't sign up for this," I "wanted to go in a new direction, children be damed," I "felt trapped," "my husband didn't make enough money," "my wife didn't give me enough sex like before ( even though I didn't bring her flowers like before, help around the house or call during the day just to chat or talk to her without distraction for ten minutes a day anymore either" Maybe I missed that change.

And all of these "life is short" people, maybe you should have thought of that before you married or you watch to0 many romantic movies. That is not real life. Sounds selfish, doesn't it?

Answer 1

While you make some very good points, your view is certainly by no mean sbalanced. I doubt anyone has a balanced view, but hey.

Yes some people go into it already thinking about pulling the ripcord and escaping. That's wrong. Some people melt at the first sign of trouble and also want out too quickly. Also wrong.

---BUT--- there are abuses on the other side, too. People who are very deceptive who are one thing before the marriage and a completely different thing after. People who absolutely refuse to change after years, even decades of the other person trying and giving patience and seeking therapy and treatment for them and their spouse.

For example, I know a guy who hasn't had sex with his wife in 12 years. Not 12 days, not 12 weeks, not 12 months -- 12 YEARS. And she flat out refuses to change -- it's not any of the bumper sticker easy to fix causes or two line cures -- "well just take a shower and have her wear a nightie and pay attention to her" and all that simplistic tripe. What do you tell him, other than passing judgment on him like you are so quick to do? Yeah right you can't tell him anything and you have no right to sit in judgment.

And what about women who get beat by abusive men? Are *they* supposed to stay? And abuse is not some small extreme tiny percentage - it's significant. So do all those women just keep going back for more?

While yes some people do bail early, how *dare* you sit in judgment on other people's circumstances? If you are in a relationship, you would probably be *stunned* to hear how it's going from the other person if they thought you'd never see what they wrote.

Since you judge others, don't be surprised when others judge you with the same harshness.

Oh, and learn to walk a mile in someone else's shoes before you rush to judgment.

Answer 2

I'd say you're oversimplifying it. I believe people change, don't you? Couples let life's events come between them. Jobs, money, homes, and even kids can drive a wedge between a couple that can be hard to repair, if at all. The reasons / excuses you list are how people feel and that cannot be changed. It's the way they feel, influenced by life. Don't forget, someone who "fell out of love" may not have had much of a lover, or lost one completely over time. Believe me, I know. Ever been married to someone on Meth? How about someone who beats the crap out of you regularly? Do you think they did this stuff from the get - go? Not everything can be fixed and you have to save yourself. Money and sex are big issues and are major contributors to the happiness of a couple. It can't be summarily dismissed. Why would you bring flowers to someone who's mean to you? What I'm trying to say is there's two sides to every story. You only get one shot at this life, and everyone deserves to do what it takes to be as happy as you can in it. But I'm glad to see there's people like you who have the cut and dried answer to everything.

Answer 3

I completely agree with and it does seem like every one is divorce crazy. Marriage today is just another disposable product just like everything lately. A lot of people just give up when things are hard. I love my husband more then anything and we have had hard times I mean I got married when I was 19 but we stuck it out and now we have been trying to conceive for three years but were sticking that out to. I just wish that people would see that marriage takes work and effort but is well worth it. I wouldn't trade what DH and I have for anything no matter what. I'm glad you brought this up as some people seem to afraid to say anything.

Answer 4

Sometimes there are problems that arise regardless of how well you know someone. I took vows to love, honor,and cherish my husband. He took the same ones, however we have spent endless and pointless time in counseling because he doesn't want to admit that we have "issues". Will I divorce him, no. It goes against what I believe. However, there are times when " I didn't sign up for this" is a valid reason. Examples: Husband started using drugs took all the money out of the bank, got us evicted, shook one of the kids, beat the crap out of me because I didn't cook what he wanted for dinner. There are valid reasons that marriages don't work, but for the most part society is to blame because it has become accepted practice to say, "I do", and then " I shouldn't have."

Answer 5

I totally agree with you on all you have said here... You are so right about all of this.... I love this question as it makes me think... Why do we even get married if our vows we promise to each other and to God do not mean anything to us and they are being said as empty promises. There is no change trust me people are just selfish today and only go into marriage for what they think they can get out of it and not what they can give or put into it!!!!
http://www.marriagetoday.org
http://www.drphil.com
http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Answer 6

Wow, you're so right, a lot of people act like a marriage is just another relationship you should walk out of when the smallest problems occure. I guess the vows should be changed to those "until it is not fun or too hard or I am tired of it" :)

Answer 7

BK is VERY defensive. I guess that he hasn't yet come to terms with HIS/HER excuse. No one said that you should stay where you are being beaten down. As for sex, did he try those things with his wife? Maybe he is not man enough. Anyway, nice try BK but no cigar.

I agree D, that people give up too easily. But the apoligists are again using extremes to justify selfishness.

Answer 8

You will notice most mature answers from people who post such questions do not favor divorcing over boredom or frustration or fatigue.

About having sex though - this should not be withheld. Both people (should) get something out of sex. A man who's wife withholds sex is an unhappy man. Period. Unhappy men don't feel motivated to do anything for their wives.

Answer 9

I have to say, I agree with you. me and my boyfriend (not young kids are we, he is early 40's me early 30"s)....have been together over two years and are just now, PLANNING for marriage Meaning discussing, talking about the real important issues, and preparing for full comittment....no matter what....marriage is a REAL BIG DEAL and i agree, its is, with the ONLY exception of infidelity, which is the all bets are off deal breaker, till death do us part.

Most people go into it all lovey dovey....but a life shared together is a life that will include heartaches, financial and family burdens, disappointments, the whole nine yards......

Answer 10

I believe the vows do say "forsaking ALL others" (at least mine did) Apparently my husband didnt hear that part though. Up until then everything was great!!(and no, counseling wont help because he dont think there is a problem)