Although I wish I could consult Dr. Phil...I need some outside opinions?

Question

My situation is one that's very frustrating and odd. I am a divorced 53 year old male...I have a girlfriend that is newly divorced as well. My problem is that she is living in the house in which her husband is paying for...Her X-husband is still in contact with her as the court decided to have him pay the house payment...C/C and other bills..anyhow I live in an apt and wish to be with her more but her husband wont let go and keep crying to her on the phone. In the Divorce decree he said if anyone moves in he will no longer pay her bills...We both carry large debt from our previous marriages but I am willing to go the extra effort to work on the debts and so is she..although she is currently un-employed. She is upset her X has this control over her and doesn't know what to do. She feels stuck and it is causing stress in our relationship to the point that she has put off seeing me on a regular basis because of being upset with the situation and feels it is not fair to me..I love her.HELP

Answer 1

If she wants to be with you like you do with her, she'd tell her ex-husband to stick it and pay her own way. He's essentially paying her to not move on with another relationship. It's economic blackmail.

Answer 2

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Answer 3

Sounds to me that you are really rushing things. She doesn't even have a job. How can she work on the debts, etc. ? Instead of being upset that he has this power, she should be grateful that he is willing to be so generous with her. She is newly divorced, which means that the kids are also still in shock. You don't need to be moving in. Do you have the means to support her and her children? Are you ready for marriage? Give it some time. And really, if you are worried about them getting back together, get a heart and hope they do. It would be so much better for the children. Think about someone besides yourself. And after reading all the other replies, I am rather appalled that not a single person has given a thought to the kids. That's the way it is here - we talk about caring about the kids, but only if they don't cost us any sacrifice.

Answer 4

I've kind of been through something similar to this. I will tell you that it's better to walk out of it now and tell your gf that you MIGHT be around when she decides what to do with her ex.

Sounds like she has a lot of unfinished business with him, still loves him, and doesn't want to let him go. If he can still push her buttons and manipulate her, he will always be the third person in your relationship and will always come first.

I don't know what agreement she has with him regarding the home, but she needs to decide to get a job and move out, if it is not in her name, or she is temporarily living there and has no place else to go.

She will bring all of the excess baggage into your relationship with her, and it won't be fair to you. Plus you both have enormous debt-that isn't good to start a relationship with either.

I think it's best if you forget about her and find someone who isn't so attached to an ex and someone who doesn't have so much debt. You both are cheating each other out of a fair and loving relationship.

Answer 5

Maybe it is a good idea to take a break from each other until some of the drama clears up. It is hard to be newly divorced and already in another relationship - that is why 60% of second marriages fail. There is too much baggage. I know that you love her and you probably aren't too happy with my advice, but I was in the same situation and the baggage was too much. It ended our relationship after 18 months. Now I am in a better one (after being alone for a year) and I am a better person. Don't try to force this, if it is meant to be then it will be. Good luck!

Answer 6

If you love the girl so much, have her move into your apartment .
Doing this will accomplish several things;
It will act as a pass/ fail test of her commitment to you. My best guess is that from what you have told us is that she will fail it with flying colors
It will competely negate the power that her ex has over her by taking the biggest bargaining chip off the board - the house and the bills.
And I'm wondering if the house is sold , does your gf have any dibs on the potential profits from that sale ? Hmmmmmmmmmmmm
Good luck and remember collectively this group is a lot smarter than Dr. Phil- We just don't have our own TV show

Answer 7

this sounds like she is not going to take of herself at all. he doesn't have any control she does not give him. you would do good to slow down and take some time to access the situation remember she is newly divorced (how long have you been single) if the "court made the decree than he has no say in what happens in the house but if he agreed to pay as long as she was alone then "she" has to decide what is more important to her you or his money

Answer 8

He can have control when he's the one paying the bills - she can move out. Give him back the house and go out on her own. Why would she stop seeing you b/c of all this? Hmm something sounds fishy there.
You are in a new relationship? Do you feel she is being completely honest with you? I think you both need to talk and be reasonable about this whole situation. Good luck!

Answer 9

Okay, first we need to find out if there is a written agreement stating that the ex will pay all the bills, etc. unless she finds a new man. Also, if she is truely that upset about someone else running her life, then she needs to get out and get a job. Sounds like she is still dependant on the ex and isn't ready to financially let him go. You need to sit down and have a talk with her. Of course, you would have to be willing to share your apartment with her in case the ex gets mad and kicks her out of the house. Talk this out with her because you might find out that she really isn't ready to be on her "own" yet. Thank you and good luck.

Answer 10

She needs to get a job, and move out of that house. As long as he is paying for it, he will have some control over her, and that's what this is about his control. They are divorced, he should have no say in what happens anymore in her life. Help her find a job that pays her well so she can make it on her own. It's not going to be easy, but that's what old hubby is betting on. Prove him wrong. That sounds like a Dr. Phil type of answer huh?

Answer 11

Emotionally, she is better off cutting her ties to her x, because these will continually cause stress for her and for your relationship with her. Financially, it may seem beneficial for her to keep the house while he is paying for it, but it's probably not worth the mental stress. Lay all of your debt out on the table, get the pencils and paper out, and figure out if you can afford to live together without her x paying for the house. Both of your mental health is not worth saving a few bucks. Good luck!