marriage problem even worse?

Question

ok i had a fight with my husband about going to nyc see previous question..because he didnt want to mind our 2 kids for 4 nights..he refused and we had a huge fight..he went to work i told him not to come home and he said im going to take all our money and good luck getting any out of me in court so i went onto our account online and transfered our/his money into my own account..but now i feel guilty should i put it back? but i know if i dont let him in the house when he gets home from work he wont give me any money and i have to kids to care for? surely this power struggle shouldnt be how a marriage is supposed to be like? no nastiness comments please this is my life

oh and im a stay at home mom and i had to give up my job and college

Answer 1

Sounds like there may be a maturity issue on your part. Sounds like you are throwing a tantrum. I could be wrong here. Try marriage counseling.

Answer 2

You didn't have to give those things up. You chose to. Nobody is your slave master unless you let them be.

You guys have a serious problem. There must be another reason why he doesn't want you to go - whatever kind of history you have.

In any case, you have no right to (and neither does he) to take your family's money away from the other. I suppose as a temporary measure to protect it from a crazy decision that's OK, but you cannot withhold it from him permanently.

I think you guys should find someone to watch the kids and the two of you get away for a week. Spend the first two days boinking your brains out and remembering why you are together, and then get down to business about what the power struggles are and how you can fix them. However, continue to boink brains out several times a day while dealing with them. Talk, boink, sleep, talk, boink, sleep. 5 days of that and you will have a lot out in the open.

Read "Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage" by Dr. Laura. Really. This woman truly understands what a marriage needs.

Answer 3

Sweetie, I have been in your shoes. Being a stay at home mom is so under-rated. Men take for granted the amount of sacrifice it is to our careers and personal identity and that our job is 24 hours a day. You deserve and need a break. Try to compromise though. Try two days and closer to home as a start. In addition, even if he didn't start out as a domineering fellow, having control of all the money seems to give some men a tremendous feeling of power over the house, the kids, the wife...Tell him about the money transfer and why you felt panicked to do so. Then, either you or both of you get your rears in counseling because it all affects the kids. Save the marriage if possible and if you still are in love. If not, save a friendship so you can coparent your children in the best way possible.

Answer 4

Tinkerbel, no one wants to end up in a fighting, miserable relationship. Especially if it's a marriage AND with children involved. What I propose may sound a little simple, perhaps you've already thought of it, but passed on the idea. But consider this: Obviously, anything antagonistic (like grabbing all the money) will only escalate the situation into something much worse. When you are calm, then that is the time to make your decisions. Rational, and calculated.
Decide what you really want, and stay true to that, BUT remember the responsibilities you have chosen already. These you cannot discard (I know you already know that)
Try to talk with him calmly and be patient. Guys can be trying. Thank God my wife is so patient with me.At times I need it.
Loud voices arguing in front of children they will remember. Keep your cool, he may find that unsettling. But don't buy into his way of fighting.
And, if at all possible, little by little, put money aside for any future need. Don't touch it....you may need it. Hopefully not, but you may.

Answer 5

Hi tinkerbell, couple of things that you did I disagree with....if he works can he mind the children for 4 days without getting into problems at work? I totally agree that you hsould get to go away, and he has no right no refuse. But if the home is both of yours, you dont get to tell him that he is not allowed in. Clearly your marriage is seriously on the rocks or you really like to have MAJOR fights. if you really think it is a possibility that he would take all the money and hold you hostage with it, take half of it (which is rightly yours) and put it into a bank account he does not have access to. I am so sorry for your situation. Good luck

Answer 6

Wow, it sounds like a tough situation.
I would talk with him alone. . Find out what each other wants and go from there. Be safe though. Keep some money, look at jobs and have a name of a lawyer just incase. You can never be to safe.
Do you two do stuff together that is fun? A date night? I know my husband and I are always happier when we take time for.
Could he be jealous of you going? Feel left out?

Just some thoughts. I wish you the best.

Answer 7

Sounds like a power struggle. You two are supposed to be on the same team. Try the soft approach with him. Let him know you don't want him to leave. Put the money back. Come to your senses and don't let your life fall to pieces because of stubborness and always needing to be right. Think of your kids. They need both of you under the same roof. Humble yourself for their sakes.

If you need further guidance, read 1 Peter 3 in the bible. There are lots of passages about marriage in other books of the bible as well. And of course there is 1 Cor. 13 - maybe you had that read at your wedding??

Answer 8

because you know you have a solution to the money problem if the situation isn't fixed, invite him back into the house and try and talk about it again. Just don't think that its over because you had one nasty fight. During the day when you've both had time to think it over, hopefully something will make it all fit and you won't have to worry about fighting over money. Now if nothing works, i'd at least move over half of the money just to make sure he has some. You don't want to be completely mean.

Answer 9

Certainly if he has no money he will not be happy but you certainly should put some money (perhaps not all) into your account to protect you and the kids given his threat. My guess this is about more than your trip to NY and has been brewing for awhile. I would make an effort to salvage with a calm discussion adn couseling. If he is not willing get a restraingin order, a lawyer and move on. You don't say if you contribute to the income and if this trip is something you can afford. My wife use to plan trips on short notice. While she worked also she didn't give much thought as to whether we could afford it. we worked it out.

Answer 10

By taking the money you are escalating the problem. Locking him out of the house does nothing but increase anger. Not once in your note did you mention the word love... you need to calmly and rationally seek joint counseling...if he won't go you should anyway. When both parents work outside the home it is hard to deal with the work of raising a family. You have it in your power to diffuse this situation with calm well chosen words and actions. It's not about getting even in marriage disputes...listen and ask yourself why does he feel the way he does?

Answer 11

Well it would seem that withdrawing the money was a smart move if he is serious about what he said.

He'll just have to understand that your actions was a reflection on what he said to you.

Don't feel guilty just see it as protecting yourself and providing for your children.

Sounds like the two of you should come to some agreement about you going to NYC and who should take care of the children while you are away. But hey girl, if you need a break, then take one. Many men don't understand that taking care of children is a lot of work and takes a lot out of us women.