How to deal with an abusive grown-up daughter?

Question

She is 34 & a binge drinker. Her problems are mainly of her own making.Every time I try to help, she wont listen to advice. No matter what I say, I am always wrong! She twists events to suit her! She lies about me to my grand-children & their social workers, who now believe every word she says! I don't like the way she keeps accusing & blaming me & my grand-child of things we haven't done! She has a good job & she uses this against me saying I am nothing & nobody. I love her so much... but when I hear her voice I shudder...

Answer 1

Give her a good slap thats just my opinion before people start moaning at me

Answer 2

I do not see how a child has problems that are 'mainly' of her own making. Children (whatever their age) are as much a repository of their parent's actions as they are of their own. Who is the first to write on the template of a child's behavior?

That being said, a 34 year old binge drinker is harboring severe psychological impediments to happiness. Addicts (and binge drinking can be seen as an addiction) are usually people who are using chemicals to escape dealing with underlying psychological problems.

You say that 'every time I try to help, she won't listen to advice.' The problem with 'helping' people is that in order to help someone, it needs to be done in a way that actually corresponds to their own idea of what 'help' is. Just because you think that you are 'helping' her does not mean that you are communicating 'help' to her. Especially if she has unresolved issues with you, the 'help' that you offer her is being reconfigured in her brain as 'threat' or 'hurt' or 'denial'.

Small example: I had a hard time getting work. My dad's idea of 'helping' me was to sit me down and 'lecture' me about how important a job was, and that people who don't have jobs were lazy bums. He considered that 'help' but I considered it 'lecture' and 'denial' of my feelings and situation, which meant that there was no way in the world I was going to be able to profit from that advice.

If your daughter is making you feel that 'no matter what I say, I am always wrong', it's probably because the communication problem between you two is at an impasse. You do not see your own 'antagonism' that is actually helping fuel the situation. You deny her feelings (all I have read in your paragraph is how she is the problem) and it sounds like she is returning the favor.

What you both need is professional psychological mediation; someone who can get in between you two and untwist all the emotional baggage that is hampering your ability to talk to each other. Until that happens, the situation cannot help but continue its present course.

Answer 3

Sweetie, I'm sorry you are having such a hard time. Unfortunately, as a parent, it's likely that you hold the key to the answer to why she is so disfunctional. Not responsible, but at least a whitness to the events that caused her selfish, dilusional behavior. Think about why she is how she is. Then, to fix this mess, ask your self: is there any way to help her? If not, how can you be supportive of your grandchild with out her interferance? My mom is very much like that, she never understands that she has caused her problems and repeated her mistakes. She blames everyone else. I think that to deal with a person like this, you have to try, but not to the point that it hurts you. If you have given her your best shot and there is no talking to her, concentrate on your grandchild, be a supportive friend. Good luck, God bless.

Answer 4

Your daughter has some serious issues, and you won't be able to help her until she faces the fact that she NEEDS help. At this point she feels she's right, so there is nothing you can do to change that. However, you don't have to take abuse from her. Everybody has value whether they have a good job or not...maybe you sacrificed chances for yourself in order to provide for her needs and wants (most mothers do this). Her treatment of you is teaching her own children that it's okay to disrespect and abuse people...she may be on the receiving end of what she is putting you thru someday. Meanwhile...distance yourself from her as much as possible. Do things with friends, go out, keep yourself occupied with things that make you happy

Answer 5

The abuse will continue if you keep coming back for more, try putting some distance between you both dont go round to hers anymore, You dont need to take this from her and she will soon realise that your important and she will miss you, my sister is 32 and she is exactly the same as this with our mother, not sure why, she just gets drunk and hurls abuse
She has know one else to blame so she is taking it all out on you and if you dont stand up to her soon it will just continue, book your self a cruise somewhere gorgeous and forget all about her for a while shes not 10 shes 32, I bet when you get back things will be different good luck xx

Answer 6

obviously she has a drinking problem that needs to be attended to before any further improvments can take place. she is an adult and she is a mother - its sad that she does not seem to care about anyone - not even herself. she is lucky your there - seems like she has forgotten who brought her up - remind her.

write her a love letter - from a parents to child - explaining things she wont listen to. she needs to open her eyes and heart - not just for you or her - but for her children - else they will grow up hating her - most children hurt emotionally as children - find it very hard to forgive their parents - remind her of this - nomatter what the parents do.

she does not know how lucky she is to have a parents - regardless where they work or not. the day your gone - it will be too late for her. write all this and more of your love and concern to her in a letter

i hope this warms her heart - being brought up by a loving parents - i am sure she cant be as cold as a ice

Answer 7

I feel sorry for you. I have someone like this in my life. I find stepping away helps. Do not expect her to change, just be there for your grandchildren and be loving but not too emotional with your daughter so she cannot manipulate you.

Help the family in small ways that do not take a toll on you and your mental health.

Answer 8

Even though it hurts, maybe you shouldn't meet her often (and if you are living with her, move out if possible). Tell her what you feel and if she cares a damn, she doesn't realize what an asset you are as a father to her. Leaving her alone can probably put things in perspective for her. Being too close and in her face might be making her mad wanting her space. As for your grandchildren, visit them often, keep in touch with them.

Answer 9

Is she living with you? (Obviously, as you are dealing with her social workers.) Fix that right away. There's no need for you to have to deal with that situation. Kick her out and let her stand on her own. Stop enabling her. Seek help at Al-Anon. You can only change yourself, not her. http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/

Answer 10

i think you should try tough love, let her know you love her and you re there for her but until she is prepared to fix her act up you want nothing to do with her and if she is living at your house kick her out, there is no reason why you should have to put it, just make sure you let her and the kids know you love then all and you are doing this to help her, i have included a link hope it helps

Answer 11

Find a friend she's close to who might be able to give her some perspective. If she can't see what she's doing, someone else might need to point her to the nearest mirror. The drinking can become destructive.

Do you visit her home and have a chance to see the grandkids? I would definitely try to stay in their radar screen.