ex wife...or me....he has to decide....and he's leaving?

Question

Well....I was getting married in 3 months...when my fiance's ex wife...tells him that she has feelings for him still. She is currently in a situation where...she's about to leave the man that she cheated on my fiance with about 5 yrs back. I thought he was finally over her...we've "officially been together for about..8 months. We used to be best friends and he led me on and I fell in love with him. I have been rejected by him 3 times..due to his feelings for another...but I always loved him for four years....
We moved to another state...and just last week we went home for a visit. That's wher all the drama is. That's how he ended up seeing her. He kept telling me that it was just a friends thing. I knw they'd been emailing each other...i didn't like them seeing each other or talking..given past history. He kept assuring me that I was being paranoid. This past Sat. night we get back from our trip and he tells me that he's not in love with me because he still has feelings for her.

I ask if he's in love with her and he replies no...he loves both of us.
I dont see how he could make this decision over night...and he keeps telling me that he thought he was over her...until he saw her and so he tells me he did change his mind that fast.
i dont know what to belive because an old friend whom had also lived in our home town...and moved away...visited there and said that people were gossiping saying that his ex wife was leaving her man and that my fiance and her had been talking and that they were talking of getting back together. I dont know who to believe. How can he change his mind over night. We've lived together for two years. We share a house..a bed...a car....everything...we have our life together and were getting married in three months. What can I do. I dont want to give up, but he's not willing to go to counceling and wants to see what will happen. I love him..but i feel this selfish need to win..to have him..i cant stand the thought of him not being in

love with me. I have been the one that's been here for him. He has a pill addiction. I've put up will all of his ****. He was sleeping with me before we were "officially together...and it hurt whenever he would talk getting back with her, but i'd loved him so much..we were best friends, like i siad...that i always made excuses for him...and i really thought that he loved me too. What makes things worse...is that he has a job offer back home and he's going to leave as soon as they call him back. Im going to have to fend for myself. He has a place to go and i just feel that this is so shitty...he should have not seen her 4 times while we were in town and how can i believe that he didn't cheat on me...if he knew he was getting those feelings..why didn't he back of? What am i going to do. I feel like dieing. I've talked to her and dont want to hate her, but a part of me does. I understand, but i also feel she's had time to come back in his life and now that her and her boyfriend aren't

working..she's coming back, but he doesn't see her...for that, he thinks that she pays more attention to him. He's a writer..and she reads all of his stuff and they email each other back and forth and talk about everything...just like I did before we were together, but Im the one dealing with him..I work a lot and am stressed out a lot and he thinks i guess...that he has to fix things..he feels responsible for the way her life turned out because he was an asshole and she left him and tried to get rid of her feelings by leaving him for this other guy taht she's unhappy with.

he says he didn't cheat...physically..by seeing her, i mean he hung out with her 4 times while we were in town to visit his family.

me and the ex wife have talked. She knows our situtation. I know her thoughts on it...she never got over him and because her man is shtty..i think she feels like mine is the only one that ever could understand her.

and i begged her....not to take him and also
talked o him about how ****** up this is because i've been through soo much loving him, hoping that he'd love me and then i thought he did....and now he's leaving me with nothing.....literally...he hasn't had a job for a month and has no money..and the car is in his name.....so i've just got to do what i've got to do....he cant even help me out...i think that's ****** up

Answer 1

The reality is he will always have feelings for her. His problem is that he lied to you by saying that he didn't and kept them from you. Your relationship is dyfunctional, but salvagable. His relationship broke up for a reason and he will remember that or she will and it will end again. The question is, do you want to stay with him despite these choices he has made?

Answer 2

Unfortunately, love is blind. It sounds to me that she is extremely jealous of him moving on by marrying you. I dont think shes doing this directly because of you, but the fact that he is happy and she cant stand that because she isnt. He may still have feelings for her but what about the things that destroyed their relationship in the first place and whats going to happen when the same scenario comes around again, or if he begins to actually see whats happening here? I think he probably thinks hes going to return to a point where they were really happy and take it from there and forget the rest. Its not going to happen, it never does and most who try this end up feeling worse than they did when they broke up the first time. In other words you cant go home again. This is why I feel she is just using him to make his life just as miserable as hers, but until he tries and gets it out of his system he wont/cant move on truly with you. The choice of waiting for him or not, and this will fail, is solely up to you. Personally, after all this, and this will reappear from time to time if and when he does return, and what hes done to you already, Id be planning to move on, and find someone who is totally interested in you and only you. I realize this wont be easy but you cant keep going on the way you are now, its coming to an end, thanks to him and his ex anyway. Thousands of people do it everyday. Just think of it as a way to a much better and happier life. There are womans help groups out there to assist you if needbe. With each passing day the pain will ease a little more each day and soon youll forget this guy but be prepared, once it falls apart again he will be looking for you again with all the "I was stupid,blind, didnt know what I was doing, etc." excuses/lies to win you back. This part is yours on what youll do. Im sorry you had to be a part of this, but wish you all the best in your future. You can do it! If I can be of any further assistance please email me at "[e-mail]"

Answer 3

He has already decided my dear. hes never really let the lady go and he came to u as his best friend and therefore the next best lady and also because he knew u really loved him. But all he needed was a healing time. And as a friend and caring for him so much, that was the greatest gift u could give him.

Its painful I know but u have given him the most precious that he needed. I know u ned it too right now. And I hope u find it.
eep in you, you know that its true that he wants to go back to her and he is lying because he also doesnt want to hurt you though its inevitable.

We can call him names like a jerk and so forth, but because u hold him dear, you would outright ignore those. You still see him as perfect. I believe he is. But he aint yours. So buckle up and let him go.
and know that it can take u a very long time to heal. But heal you will.

Get yourself some therapy and start a new life..

All the best.


If u need to talk more, my email is available with my profile

Answer 4

Honey! This guy has wasted your time since the moment you met him. He is using you. Let him be with his ex-wife and lead a miserable life and you go find a man who will love YOU. I cant believe he lead you on so much as to even want to get married to you, i bet he would cheat on you A LOT even if u both got married and she was supposedly out of the picture. Pls just get away from this idiot, and keep the wedding ring and sell it haha buy some nice clothes and go out there and conquer the world. Your fiance needs a slap in the head if you ask me

Answer 5

I think something happened between them if he was seeing her four times in a short time when he should of been by your side.
I know this hurts but this guy isn't in love with you.
He doesn't respect you and he's definitely not the guy for you.
Please do yourself a favor and give him the boot before he does it to you. Sounds like he is now just laying low with you until things are final for him to move back with her.
He is going to leave. It's just a matter of time.
You just have to be strong. Keep yourself busy in your life. There are plenty of men out there that will love and respect you the way this man is totally not doing.
Good luck!

Answer 6

Darn.I am sorry to hear that. But frankly is he worth it? Obviously you are always not the one he likes. I would say move on. You have wasted 4~5 years on him. How many more 4~5 years do you have now before you will left on the shelf for good.

We call a person like you a "Spare Tire" in our country.
Remembered when you are needed. Forgotten when you are not. But knows that you will always be there faithfully.

I am sorry I have to be harsh. But its still better than this guy.

Answer 7

I feel they r lost identities from childhood who have not been given correct teachings either by their parents, teachers or their environment about their religion. They take religion as a side aspect of life like a starter in a menu. A starter never really fills the appetite no matter what, one will always have an urge for the main meal to fill their stomach. Such ex Muslims when ever they get the true Islamic guidance, education or attractive act about Islaam will pull them back to their religion. It means Allah wants "Khair" best for them so he guided them through these medians. Allah says inn the Quraan:' And whom so ever Allah wills to guide, He opens his heart to Islaam (chest)" Al Anaam verse 125. Then there r those Muslims who got all the opportunities but he does not maintain & grasp the opportunities given to him by Allah, then Allah's law is that he takes away this great blessing away from him for his negligence. & he become an X Muslim. ِAllah saya in the Quraan" They have forgotten Allah, so he has forgotten them" Surat At Tawbah verse 67. The Ulamah say in the interpretation "Forgotten" means they left their deen so Allah also left them. Allah knows best

Answer 8

So...what's your question? You knew what he was like before because he was your friend. He cheated on you while you were together four times and you took him back each time. What don't you know and why are you asking us, when the die is cast and he's leaving? You wanna know whether you should wait until his ex cheats again or kicks him out so you can pick up the pieces again? Dummy...

Answer 9

One cannot be sensitive to the extent of examining each and every statement and take it to the logical conclusion. U seem to be over possessive and nag a lot. U have to be some what thick skinned and accomodating to be successful in this life.

Answer 10

Change your town. Change your life. Move outta there. It might hurt for a while, but this guy is not worth it in the long run. You deserve better than a flip-flopper who cant figure out his own feelings.