Is there hope?? My husband and I (of 28yrs.) have just lost our infant son and seem to be grieving separately?

Question

Unfortunantly, with my whole body,soul,and mind we've distanced due to a 26yr. old (young and fresh piece of .....)Sadly to say, when i discovered that my baby would be delivered stillborn c-sec. I needed him there. He says infact he was there but in the waiting room.(WAITING FOR WHAT) WHERE AM i GOING WITH THIS?? I guess the first part of the question is inevidible (28yrs He forgets I Know him better than anyone) And yes I know we are all human and mistakes will be made and can be forgiven, including mine.BUT, IM SO ALONE.....IM SO ANGRY....ALL I WANT IS THE TRUTH......Im sure alot of you readers are thinking.."Wake-up"!. Its not that easy.Ive always been 10ft. tall. And he always adored me and loved me. I think i took it for granted!! Oh-well we cant change the past.Oh Yeah !!now I remember my Ques. I dont know? This mess is asking 1000 questions I will consider any answer. Signed, jello

Just When you thought it was done, (im laughing) fyi.. baby born last week Jan.17,07 Husband"s attention went south approx. May of 2006. I couldnt remember the last time we had sex, ( I was thinking ???????? He must of had the double wammy in June. 1 time? He will lie...lie...lie.... when i just peeked on his text messages Always a dead giveaway. He says he loves me but hes tirded of me whinning , accusing ,dadadada. Ive never been one to settle for 2nd fiddle. It crushes to see he has no interest in the baby or maybe it hurt me that he took 2days off work over loss. I saw him 1x for 10 min next day. He had to swing by for another visit since he handled signing papers etc.. I know we all grieve are own way and yes, I would see him the type to hold hurt in. When is it time to put the selfish desire asside and remember your people??

Answer 1

I'm so sorry for what you're going through right now. I've never been in your exact situation, so I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must feel. I have felt alone before though - so alone that I once contemplated suicide. What got me through such a rough time in my life was God. I'm not trying to be "preachy" - I hope I don't come across that way - just sharing an experience. With God, there is always hope. God has always gotten me through those difficult times, and I know I can always depend on Him because He has promised never to abandon or forsake those who believe in Christ. "Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

After 28 years invested into a relationship, you at least deserve the truth. You need to insist that your husband have an honest discussion with you regarding his affair and his intentions (is he still having the affair?). As your husband, he owes you that much at the very least. After the pain of losing a child, you need to know who you can lean on for support. He needs to either end the affair, or end the marriage. Anything else is unfair. Then, only you can decide if you are willing to forgive him for his betrayal.

A lot of men who have affairs always think the grass is so much greener on the other side. I say that's because it's fertilized with you know what! A lot of men like this only see the positives in the affair because the flaws are so well hidden in the beginning. He hasn't lived with her, hasn't been through the ups and downs of life, hasn't seen her flaws and bad habits. He has a history with you and a lifetime of memories. If you think he's a man worth holding onto (because Biblically, an affair is acceptable grounds for a divorce), then fight for your marriage.

You definitely need to be in grief counseling. And you should be in it together. Neither one of you should be going it alone. Grieving together creates intimacy and a bond between two people because the emotions are so raw. It sounds like the two of you need that bond right now. Maybe by supporting each other through your grief you can strengthen your marriage. If he refuses to go, you still need to go even if it's by yourself. And I recommend trying to find a support group of women who have also lost a child. You need their support, understanding, and encouragement right now!

I wish I could be of more help! You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

-----EDITED-----
Robert, how can you honestly say this was God's will? Are you an authority on what God's will is? You'd better be sure you're absolutely right before you go speaking on God's behalf in such a situation. Your post is not very sensitive to what she's going through. You call something that is most likely DEVASTATING to her an "unpleasant event"? Even if you are trying to be helpful, which I think you probably are, you shouldn't answer questions like these without prayerfully considering them.

-----EDITED-----

Lee, I would explain to your husband that as his wife you have every right to ask to see his text messages and anything else. And, as your husband, he has the right to ask these things of you as well. If he's honest, he should have nothing to hide, and he should want to put your fears and insecurities to rest. It's not whinning! My goodness you've just lost a baby that you probably carried for 9 months. You're hurting and insecure right now. You need to feel secure in your marriage; you need to know if you can depend on him. Your husband should understand this and do everything he can to be supportive.

If he's not willing to be a REAL man in this situation, then you've got to focus on what's best for you because he isn't going to. You need counseling and supportive people around you right now to help you get through this. Have you even had the baby's funeral yet? Like someone else mentioned, you need to grieve right now, not focus so much on the anger. I know the anger is easier to deal with. I wish I could help! Again, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. You don't deserve it.

Answer 2

Well, dear, you have a lot to contend with and it is all unpleasant. The first thing you need to do is get some help for yourself.. you are number one right now.. you just lost a baby and that pain will be setting in very deeply due to the stress of your husbands affair with the younger woman.

Step back... take a breath and go in the direction that will make you healthy and a little more clear headed so you can deal with your pain... DO NOT shove your pain into the closet so you can deal with "anger".. There will be time enough for the anger later on.. remember.. first comes the pain "then" the anger..

I just can't stress enough to you to go get yourself some help because while your husbands brain is "down south"... he can be of no help to you....

Hugggs Hon
GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

Jello,
I lost a baby almost 17 yrs ago. I also knew that he wouldn't live. My husband refused to be around (we were only married for6 months at the time). I hated him so much cuz he won't be there for me. It is alright to be angry, your angry about 2 things. 1-- your angry that your husband wasn't there for you & being supportive & helping you. 2-- losing your baby. Everyone grieves differenetly & it sometimes pulls people apart instead of bringing them togather. Sad fact but very true. I know you need him to give you love & you want him to tell you it wasn't your fault that your baby died. Thing is is he's a guy, they don't know how to handle something like the lose of a baby even less then a women. They don't know what if felt like to carry that baby inside, feel him move. Try sitting down with him & talking about how you feel,see if he might open up. There are also beverment meeting that you can go to & talk about your feelings. I hope this helps. Here is my email address if you would like to share [e-mail]. For me every yr that is my son's birth\deathday is hard for me, I cry for 3 days. For the longest time just looking at a baby broke my heart & I would cry.

Answer 4

Terribly sorry for the loss of your baby...that is difficult to imagine. It is the grieving issue that both of you need to understand. It is necessary, and it is imperitive to the process, that you each do the grief at your own pace and then together. It can take forever but it is natural for the process to progress slowly. He is doing the process his way and does not need the added pressure you seem to be heaping on him--and his reaction or lack of it--seems to heap the resentment for him on you. This is destructive and you both better knock it off. The loss is not supposed to be a wedge--it should be a way of uniting you two---I don't know about him, but you are widening the gap with your current feelings. The little baby was a gift to both of you and both of you looked forward to a long life of love as a family. It was snatched away from both of you and both of you are devastated...notice I used the word both a lot--you BOTH need to do this process together. Please have a peaceful life

Answer 5

I'm not sure what you're question is. I believe that you're going through too much to be thinking, writing or talking right now. I, don't know you but I am expecting soon. I'm terribly sorry for your tragic loss.If anything, that man you were with for so long then cheated and can't be there for you at such a devastating time....well, no matter, what an awful human being.

Answer 6

First off, how horrible for you to have gone through that alone. My deepest condolences. I guess my short answer is, yes there is always hope. But I think therapy, both as a couple and alone, to deal with your grief and feelings of betrayal are definitely in order. That's the best advice I could offer. I don't think the true answer can be given by any of us "Monday night therapists" Good luck to you.

Answer 7

I am being real! I dont think any one can truly give you good help here. I think that you have chosen the wrong portal to understand things. In fact this may worsen things, people on here don't respect a marriage for 28 years because none of them are over 28 years old. I myself think you should got get professional counseling or even religous counseling.

Answer 8

this type of miscarriage is god's will.both of u must accept n face the fact.sit down calmly n discuss.or go somewhere holidays to forget this unpleasant event.check with ur DR first n take his advice before u want to start 4 another pregnancy.4 the time being,just forget the past totally,ok? may god bless u.

best wishes.

Answer 9

Well what did you do wrong? Ok everybody grieves diffrently maybe it was just hard on him to be in there with you, but he should have thought how you were feeling! You were the one going threw it. Give him some time then talk to him about it. Everything will be ok.

Answer 10

I'm very sorry for your loss.all i can say is maybe he couldn't take seeing the pain this was bringing you.