I need marriage advice as the "second-wife"?

Question

I have been married a little over a year. My husband was married before, but it only lasted 5 months and she never lived with him. I met him 2 months after they split. She was 9 years older than he with kids. Everything was great with us, until we were married and i found some racy letters she sent to him throughout the relationship. Mostly about sex. It hurt alot to find those and it seemed from the letter that their sex life was much better than ours ! He came home burned them to signify his love for me. he forgot that the letters were even around. Also, he used to be "wilder" and into the club and party scene and she was a huge part of that life with him, which was probably part of the attraction. She was the fun, party girl. I on the other hand, have always been the "good girl". I feel like i may be boring to him since i am so different and feel compared or 2nd best. he's made comments that hurt b4 like her ring was better than mine b/c she "expected" it . am i wrong to be jealous

This has been an issue with me throughout our marriage. He says he loves me way more than her and i am more of what he wanted than her. But i can't seem to get over the letters and other things that have said about her. He was way too open about the other wife to me and gave me too much info. Of course i compare myself. How do i get over this and talk it out with him and let him know how i feel. I dont wanna push him back to her !!! I wanna heal and progress our marriage and not end up divorced !! Please help, am i stupid ??

Answer 1

i think its okay that your a little jealous but you just have to remember that he is with you now their marriage didn't work out because she wasn't what he wanted and you are what he wants. good luck :)

Answer 2

Since the letters were written during their relationship and that he burnt them, I wouldn't put too much into them. He had only been married with her for 5 months. That means they had a serious fallout somewhere, a major disagreement of some sort. Sex isn't the only thing in a marriage. In his case, he explained that his lifestyle was different back then. Being a party animal pretty much sums up why he was into sex more back then. People change and his attraction for her evidently faded out along with that lifestyle. I wouldn't worry about the ring comment because that more or less shows how materialistic she was. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship now. It just means he's settled down now, loves you since you are more sedate and you are the partner he wants. As for the possibility of boredom, that's something you could solve yourself. Don't be too worried about the past. It's over. He must be comfortbable with you.

Answer 3

I kinda had the same problem with my ex. I found old love letters, pictures, and things that his ex had given him during thier relationship that he said he "forgot" about. He told me to burn them; he didn't want them anymore. She was into everything that he was into, like clubbing, drugs, etc. I came into his life 3 months after she left and tried to help him change. He had proposed to her, bought her things he never bought me, etc. etc. He only proposed to me after he found out that I was pregnant. I never actually felt jealousy; instead I felt hurt over the fact that I knew what kind of a person she was and how much better I knew I was - and wondered why in the world would so much have gone better for them than for us? Needless to say, he's my ex now, and the past is the past. But if you're jealous, it's only human nature. Perfectly natural to feel this way. This is another woman, and you feel as if there's something missing and he just may miss it and want it back. You're not wrong, but you should sit with your husband and explain your exact feelings to him and tell him EXACTLY how you feel. Tell him you hurt, and you feel that it's not fair to you. Tell him everything about it - and ask him for help finding a solution.

Answer 4

No it's not wrong to be jealous of his ex . But don't let that jealous take over who you are. Try to remember why you feel in love with him in the first place. And it's ok to be the good girl as you call it. Ask him if he feels like your sex life is boring. And also tell him that it hurts your feeling when he compares you to her. Just let him know you do not like it when he compares you to her. Remind him that he liked who you where before he married you ask him has that changed. And if so how.

Answer 5

No, you're not stupid... you're an insecure woman and you're in love with a man that you don't want to lose. What you have to remember is that the past is the past. I completely understand though that that's easier said than done. I would advise that you pay to speak to a counselor a few times about these feelings. Your husband is already aware of how you feel and has tried to reassure you that you are all that he wants... now... instead of continuing to look insecure and desperate for constant reassurance... deal with your unresolved feelings of insecurity on your own with a counselor and see if that helps. Confidence is sexy. This woman isn't what he wants or he would be with her. But YOU have to believe that you're good enough for any of that to be believable to you.

Answer 6

oh my god...im so thankful that i found someone with a similar relationship problem to mine.
I have been through and up and down battle for 4 years...I was getting married in 3 months...to a man who was supposed to be over his ex wife. They'd been divorced 10 months before he and i met. However..they'd been talking via email...and i tried to trust him. We have family in the town she lives in and he visited her as friends...all along i was supspicious because Im the good girl and she's the fun girl you know....low and behold..hye is now torn between us....SO NO YOU ARE PERFECTLY RIGHT TO BE JEALOUS...men are HORRIBLE

Answer 7

LEt me answer from the opposite point of view. This happend in my marriage - my wife found some old letters that I had not given second thought to. It really made her insecure and it had bad effect on our marriage initially, although we worked through it. The reason I had not given these letter a second thought or made an effort to get rid of them was that they meant absolutely nothing to me and I was simply lazy. If they had meant something to me, I would have made the effort to get rid of them ar hide them really well. Don't let jealously or insecurity get between your marriage. Focus on real things in your marriage, not imagination.

Answer 8

He probably did forget about the letters, he burned them, he says he loves you. What else do you want from him? I don’t know what comments he’s made about her other than the one you stated of ‘her ring was better because she expected it’ but that comment doesn’t mean a darn thing other than she liked expensive stuff and he felt pressured into buying it. He's likely very grateful that you aren’t as materialist as she is (which doesn’t necessarily mean that he wouldn’t like to give you nice things, but he probably can’t afford it).

The problem is you’re insecure. Counseling might help.

Answer 9

Perhaps you should consider speaking with a professional to help you become stronger within yourself. It doesnt matter what he's done in the past. He's with YOU now. You appear to be creating a problem that doesnt seem to exist. Please try to love yourself for the woman that you are........And allow HIM to appreciate you as well. Get all this 2nd hand stuff out of your head! If you're unable to do this yourself. PLEASE seek help!
You are THE wife..........You're NOT a number!

Answer 10

I am so sorry to hear this , but you have to listen to the whisper that life sends you, because later life will yell at yo and tell you that the signs were there and you ignored them. He was unfaithful during your relationship and it will not stop. I am being truthful to you. NO your not wrong to be hurt but you should listen and to all the signs.
I am so sorry to be so truthful