Will my wife become my mother-in-law; More input please?

Question

I'll try not to be too hard on my mother-law but I want everyone to have all the info possible. I love her & my wife. My mother-in law 62, has depression; Doc says has the emotional maturity of a 20 old(I think he was kind).angry, negative and very difficult. Huge packrat (4 bedroom house full of junk; when visiting we stay in hotel ,no room) she is unaware the harm she is causes to people around her (or doesn't care) can't seem to get anything done, collects medical disability; Seems OK to me. Some say she just lazy and stubborn like her father & since she was a young adult she "didn't want to do the right thing" She can act OK around people if she has too. We have been down the road w/ doctors,Meds for her (again sorry if this sounds harsh). I have been dealing w/ similar problems w/ wife ie.difficult, lying,(lack of trust) My wife and I have been to.counceling(for us).. Nothing is working. Can people just be that way? Will my wife turn into her? Do I need to go in another direction?

Answer 1

I think it boils down to personal responsibility. Even someone depressed (even clinically) still has the sense and power within themselves to take the responsibility to the best they can by not only focusing on themselves to heal and improve but to also use the selfless act within themselves to consider others. And this innately has to do with authentic self love and really LOVING other's too by getting better. But to say your wife will become the same way as your MIL, would be like predicting the future. To some extent you could consider that possibility as the pattern runs in her family. Since your concerned about this, and rightly so, somehow let her know how important it is for her and your relationship that she takes more responsibility personally and relationshipwise. In my opinion she still needs atleast individual therapy to work on herself. In time things will improve but not over night. She needs to really stick with it.
But you know what? She has to WANT to do this. You need to take care of YOU. It sounds like your hurting and getting pretty fed up, do you perhaps have co-dependency issues? Because that is a very hard thing to deal with and pretty energy draining. Maybe get some individual therapy for urself so YOU can feel better. also they have Coda meetings where you can express urself and not feel alone/relating to others w/same family issues
p.s. my best friends mother is just like your MIL. has loads of health problems, has always had a depression problem, and all she does is sleep all day or spend most of her day in bed. but refuses to get help. it's been this way for yrs. now. she's a pack rat too, loves to collect toys and is kinda childlike in her own way. my friend has totally given up her life to take care of her mother. she doesn't even have time for a PT relationship w/a man. it's kinda sad that she doesn't even have anyone to call her own.

Answer 2

Your mother-in-law has a psychological medical condition. There is actually a diagnosis for a pack rat like she is. she needs medical attention/treatment for this disorder. The stress which comes with her situation is surely affecting the rest of the family, especially your wife and you. Your wife may be suffering from anxiety or depression. She may even have an undiagnosed, yet treatable, disorder.

Seems like your marriage is being stressed by the additional situation of dealing with your mother-in-law. It's good that you're in counseling since having an outside party involved can help to clarify issues and improve communication.

Some psychological disorders are hereditary although I'm not sure about this one. Your wife could be suffering from depression in addition to stress within the marriage. Try to be as patient and supportive as you can under the circumstances. If you need to seek professional help on your own, you should. You're entitled to it. Your wife being difficult under these circumstances makes sense but it's not clear to me about the lying.

If there are other issues in your marriage which you haven't disclosed here, continue the counseling and work on keeping an open and honest line of communication. If you love each other enough, this too shall pass.

Good luck.

Answer 3

Unfortunately, a mother's influence on her kids can be quite strong. Too strong at times! She could very well end up like her mother, even without wanting to be.

If her mother acts like a spoiled brat & has pretty much gotten everything that she's wanted, then your wife would have learned that behavior. Do this, get that! It worked for her mother & she'll figure that it'll work for her.

Answer 4

You married your your wife...not your mother in law. Your relationship with your wife depends upon your how much you
love her, for better or for worse. It should not depend on a
comparison to her mother

Any mother or father will pass along traits to their child....it's
been that way from creation. If you are considering going in
another direction because of your mother in law, I am wondering
how deep a commitment you ever had with your wife in the
first place.

Answer 5

It may sound rude,but be a little harsh with your wife and tell her what everyone thinks of her mom.Otherwise she could go her mom's way.As for your MIL just ignore her,nothing wrong with her.

Answer 6

If you have any inkling that your wife is heading in that direction, then she probably is. The more important question is, can you live with that?

Answer 7

I hate to be the one to break this to you but she very well could.All this stuff you are talking about is in her gene pool..Good Luck!

Answer 8

Very well could be, But she can change if she wants.