37 and never married before. My wife of 5 yrs has been lying and stealing from me since the first month of marriage The only way she will admit this behavior is if I catch her red handed and even then she denies it or she will admit it, then, will deny it the next time like it never happened thus causing more problems. I think if I just turn a blind eye all will be good (to her). I’ve done that on too much stuff. She can be a sweet heart in many ways (as my family & friends see her)& I think I still love her. I have taken on her two children from her other two marriages as my own. Private school, vacations homework etc..She has been diagnose w/depression (as her mother and her daughter (my step daughter) been to counseling, doctors, medications etc…her behavior has changed very little if not at all. She is aware of her lies and stealing but it only changes how she goes about continuing it. IE abuses my credit cards and then throws away my statements ((so I don’t see them) (&other bills/mail to make it look like the post offices fault). Now hides incoming checks (Lots of this stuff). Counselor #2, Pastor w/ counseling degree, recommended a book titled Adult Children of Alcoholics, applies also to dysfunction raised children that revere to abnormal behavior because that is familiar to them. Pastor give both of us (many sessions) things to work on I did mine, she actual went in the opposite direction. I don’t think she has cheated on me but I’ve been floored before. Do I need to end it?
2007-01-24 17:16:09 · 15 answers · asked by Concerned Husband 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Sounds like you've tried everything.
You can't help her, if she doesn't want to be helped.
Good~Luck to you all.
2007-01-24 17:23:39 · answer #1 · answered by ~*~Tessa~*~ 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dude, no one can tell you if you need to end it, that's up to you. But I can assure you that she will never respect you as long as you let her run over you like this. Soon, you won't respect yourself. If it was me, and I wanted to try to salvage the marriage, I would start showing some tough love. Cut her off. Take away the credit cards and don't leave anything around that she could steal. Do you know what she's doing with the money? That's crucial. Whatever it is has to stop. She is sabotaging the family. Are you staying in it for the kids? Maybe you can get emergency custody. Just be able to document everything. Keep a log of everything she does that is harmful to you or the family. Life is to short to be miserable. If you want to help her, take away her opportunities to hurt you and make her help herself. Don't think you can change her, you can't. She may be able to change if that's what she truly wants. Sadly, most people don't want to change and never will.
2007-01-25 01:30:11 · answer #2 · answered by mac&cheese 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like you have a mess on your hands, I'm not pro divorce but sometimes you got to do whats good for you. and if counseling didn't work because she didn't give it an honest try then that kinda makes life a unbearable.
you could try giving her an allowance, since she dosen't want your trust, but you may come home to no furniture, and I've seen that happen...
One big point is in your question, you don't say you still love her, and it sounds like she has pushed you to the line making life miserable....
Do what makes you happy, thats the best advice I can give you! if it's without her yes leave...if not then the drama will probably always be there...
God Bless and Good Luck!
2007-01-25 01:33:28 · answer #3 · answered by snickers 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you make threats it's time to follow through. Take all Checkbooks, Credit Cards etc... and tell her your done if she tries more like starting new cards, which could happen. You sound like you're ready to end it based on how you tried with the sessions and she didn't. My guess is you already know you're done with trying, you just don't want to end it. Divorce is VERY hard, especially when you really don't want it but you are left without an alternative. Brighter days for you are in your future, don't let her bring you and keep you down! Good Luck! =)
2007-01-25 01:35:23 · answer #4 · answered by DB 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well l'm sorry to say, she certainly doesn't sound like a person l would trust and she doesn't seem to care either, that is the real sad part about all this. I don't really know what to tell you. I honestly feel for you and her children as it must be very hard for all of you to live with. Perhaps she needs some form of shock treatment as nothing else so far has worked. I wish you lots of luck with this problem as l feel you are going to need it. Sorry l know l haven't really helped at all but this has me stumped !!
2007-01-25 01:27:05 · answer #5 · answered by kazzadanni 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
as far as the bills and mail go get a post office box to where you have the only key... as far as stealing from you well spouses can not steal from each other because what is yours is hers and what is hers is yours. as far as depression goes... people are depressed because they are unhappy with their lives... so find out what will make her happy then do it.. as far as lies go take away the things she is lying about and the lies will stop... like get rid of the credit cards etc.... because from the sound of it,,, it is all about the money...
if money is an issue then open up her an account and place money in it that she is allowed to spend... but do not take the money away from her...you have to remember she is your wife not your child... If you love her then compromise.
2007-01-25 01:34:59 · answer #6 · answered by Autumns Destany 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would end it. And now! Try a separation (a real one) if actually leaving would be really traumatic for you. She has abused you and her children in many ways. One cannot make someone change, it has to come from her. If you back up your threat of leaving with action, she may turn around...I doubt it though. Usually takes something really scary, like death, to make someone change their life, unfortunately. Those that say, "in sickness and in health," don't understand she has already broken that promise to you. It sounds as if you've tried it all. Now it's up to her to fulfill her promise to honor you and your marriage with her. She hasn't done this so far it seems.
Take care of yourself, and others will fall into place. What do YOU want to do with your life? Stay with her, or find a new beginning with someone who cares for you? It's up to you.
2007-01-25 01:41:47 · answer #7 · answered by tklines 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You have went in the right direction by going to the pastor. I will say what she does in the dark will come to light. God don't like ugly. You can't change her in any way, shape, or form. Let go and let God deal with her. Pray for her. Do know that if you two were to go your seperate ways, one door may shut but others will open. Have faith!
2007-01-25 01:29:29 · answer #8 · answered by Jerry S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I personally believe in people and their capacity for change. I also believe in the vows you took 'in sickness and in health" and think this applies.
Think of it as a disease and keep looking for the right treatment. I know it's hard and a drain but be the better man and try not to give up too soon. Get some therapy for yourself as well to help you cope with her.
2007-01-25 01:26:20 · answer #9 · answered by Ande 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
honestly, yes you do need to end it or at least go your separate ways without the divorce mess. it seems to me that she needs to have her space to actually see what she is doing to you and possibly causing the family a headache. i'm guessing the counseling is not helping, so give her an choice. either she stops stealing and lying, or she has to go. but i leave that choice for you to tell her.
best of luck.
2007-01-25 01:29:14 · answer #10 · answered by blaquepanther88 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like my Ex. Is her name Kathy? After 5 years it's time to move on.
2007-01-25 01:31:02 · answer #11 · answered by Gordon M 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋