How can a stay at home mom survive a divorce?

Question

I have been a stay at home mom for almost 9 years. I have some college, but 4 children to take care of. How on earth am I to survive?

Answer 1

I can not believe some of the answers I saw up here for you.... I am sorry for the ending of your relationship.... and more importantly for the children involved....

"Get all you can", "alimony and Child support"? I know the money is important... but the custody/divorce is going to be rough emotionally and finacially for the whole of your family... children, soon to be ex, and you..... yes get it all set up thru the courts.... no, don't turn it into a battle of "you hurt me, now pay" or anything.....
I doubt my story is any different than most.... but? I left my first husband seven years ago (1/9/00!) I felt relieved! for about two seconds... then I was terrified... see? I had no college... I had been mostly out of the workforce for eight to ten years... and that experience had all been cashiering, sales.... very little of anything else.... doesn't put much on tables, over heads..... I took NOTHING from him... he got his furniture, collectibles, he could have had the house... I left it.... he opted for forclosure on it.... I had an eight yr old, four yr old and one yr old.... I moved my children and I to another state, in with my parents... I was offered other places but felt my children needed to be near family... I got a job (back at a place I had worked for 11yrs before) in billing... I worked fifty hours when I had to.... for over a yr I had no custody/child support arrangement.... just a straight divorce! (final 6/23/00) my ex gave me one hundred per child weekly and one hundred extra weekly to me the first four months we were seperated... after that? nothing extra... I even at times provided him with things like beds, clothes high chairs, car seats.... that ended when he told me nope, it is all part of child support... you are supposed to give me this stuff... and pay their food while at my home.. btw, you owe fifty bucks for food so I took it from child support... I paid the daycare... and everything else.... I got a court order eventually after hearing well, I moved and needed furniture and to pay rent/security so even though I am eight weeks behind? I can't pay.... you work so what's the problem? oh or when he would say get money from your parents.... they should help you... not me... not my problem.... lol... guess what? he is ten weeks behind now... so that paper does not do much at times.... but it costs a good amount..... only benefit is the threat of jail to the one paying....I think.....
I made it though.....as I bet everyone of the other mothers who have similar stories could tell you they did.... how? we can and do cause we are "mommy" and despite the greedy, self-centered "not my issue" attitude of our exes?we keep defying odds and continue to raise the next generation of great adults!!
oh... I may not have much money and yep, I do a lot more praying at bill time that somehow "God" is still watching over dumbies like me..... but what I do have are three loving, forgiving beautifully adjusted children... who love their father, mother and more importantly? themselves..... it is still hard... money will Always be an issue when a divorcee.... but, for sanity... love and yourself? focus on the kids... take it one day at a time.... one hour or minute if you have to.... don't think further ahead than that.... do what is best for the children.... their activities.... spending time with them.... everything else? it will fall into place... you can do it....! and without the "war" I am sorry for your ending.... but? it is also a beginning... the beginning of you.. realizing your own strength! abilities! your own life!! it may not take any hurt away.... but I hope it helps!! :) good luck

Answer 2

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Answer 3

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Answer 4

My heart goes out to you. You are going to have lead a very different life but remember - different can be better! You need to have the mindset that this is a chance for you to live your life according to your own wishes and dreams.

First, you will get child support and if hubby is making good money then you will get good support for 4 kids. You should also make sure that the divorce requires him to put aside a certain amount of money into some type of educational saving plan for each kid. He should also be required to split the costs of all the extras the kids want to participate in.

Second, depending on the ages of the kids - you will have to start working pretty soon. You should have a plan to present to the judge of how you can return and finish college in the next few years and what type of career you would like to pursue. If you are able to show a good, realistic plan for getting on your feet the judge is more likely to give you alimony to support you during that transitional time. In some states you are also likely to get alimoney because of the "implied agreement" you and your husband had during your marriage - that you would stay home and give up your earning power and he would go out and increase his earning power.

Third, the burden should NOT be all on you. He is still the dad. He may have to start learning how to take care of kids, juggle schedules, prepare dinners. Make sure that if he is a loving capable dad he gets lots of time with the kids. That is time you can use to improve yourself, go to school, etc.

The most important thing to focus on is how to help these kids through this very difficult transition. Remember, they will take all their cues from you and hubby. If you two remain kind and civil towards each other it will help your children deal with this situation. Again, remember to protect your husbands time with the kids as much as you protect your time with the kids. The children's issues are separate from the money issues and the two should never be confused!!

Good luck.

Answer 5

I'm very sorry to hear this! I always take one day at a time, If you need some help there are programs you can use to give you that extra money support for a bit until you can get back onto your own. Your children may have to be in daycare and is a hard transition but just explain to them that its for the best and you just need to think about being able to keep a roof over them. Good luck!

Answer 6

Definitely max out on child support and alimony. Those will help, but, I would also suggest relying on your parents or family (if possible) to help you with housing, childcare, money and anything they can help you with while you get back on your feet.
Consider working at night if you live with family or friend/s so you can avoid paying for daycare and won't miss out on raising your children (you would be able to sleep while they're in school).
Look into government programs and your church. There are gov programs to help pay for childcare if you decide to get a job. There is food stamps and medicare as well.
You can look online and in the government pages of your local phonebook for resources. And don't be afraid of asking questions.
Don't worry, you will survive, and you will be stronger and wiser for it. It won't be easy, but keep in mind that the hardship is temporary. It will get easier once all the kids are in school, when you'll be able to work full-time with less strain.

Answer 7

You must do whatever it takes to survive. My income was cut in half when I divorced and I have both kids on half the income. The EX has paid nothing in 2 years and the court system is so far behind it is unREAL. If it were not for my job, I do not know where we'd be right now. I hope your EX is not like that. If so, you are in for a very bad time, unfortunately. Best Wishes.

Answer 8

Get out and look for a job. Now alimony is not a "given". You might get it for 6 months (which the court allows in order to find a job). If you're not disabled and have nothing to hold you back from getting employment you will more than likely not be arwarded alimony. And don't think having kids is going to keep you home. You will be expected to put them in some form of day care during your working hours. That is one of the things that women "won" when the Equal Rights Amendment passed...the right to NOT collect alimony any longer.

Answer 9

Well depending on what state u live in, u may be entitled to alimony.. or rehabilitative alimony.. (which is when ur x has to help pay for u to go to college so u can learn a skill )..then between what your x gives u in child support (which i highly recommend u demand right off the bat that it be paid through the courts..that way if he ever decides not to pay it, u dont have to worry about getting money for a lawyer they will go after him).. You get him to be responsible for most if not all marital debt.. if u own a house , u can either ask to judge to let u keep it, which with 4 kids he may very well do so, or to sell it and split the profit.. If ur children are young and still daycare age, u ask the judge to get him to pay most if not all of the day care fee's.. My x was responsible for 75% of daycare fee's.. You basically get all the financial assistance from him as possible.. dont go easy.. u have 4 kids and ur going to need all the help he can give.. and it will be easier for him to work 2 jobs with out the kids then for u to try and work 2 jobs and raise 4 kids.. Now a days u can seek for your x husband to pay child support untill they all graduate from h.s. whether they are 18 or not.. so make sure it states in ur papers till they are out of h.s. and over the age of 18..

Its going to be tuff no doubt about it.. and ur going to have to learn to budget like crazy.. but it is do able.. my mother-in-law had 5 kids and her husband up and left to never return she had zero job skills, and never recieved a dime of child support from him.. she worked her butt off, put herself through school..and made do with what she had.. but she made it.. and so can u..

Stay strong and do what u have to do to get through this.. good luck..

Answer 10

You have to survive or else your 4 kids will be orphans. Start looking into child care so you can at least for now work part time. There are lot of support group out there. Check with your clergy or phone book for help.