How do I keep my husband from just walking away and letting (US) his family down?

Question

Tonite my husband told me he just wasn't made to be the married type! We have been married almost 1 year, & he's always threatened me with divorce from day 1. He's never really treated this marriage the way I think it should be treated. It's like he doesn't take it seriously. We have a 4 yr old boy together and I thought being married could only make us stronger. But whenever something doesn't go the way he wants it, he starts threatening with divorce.
It's not right of him to do so, and it has really affected me both mentally and physically. I thought since we were married that would have created this unique bond to one-another and be able to conquer anything. But my husband is more of the type to just walk-away i guess. How could a 36 year old man whose only been married once before at the age of 18, not choose to take on the responsibility of his family? The one that he committed to, the day we said "until death do us part"?
I don't believe there is anybody else or anything of that sort, so that isn't the underlying issue here.
He says he just wasn't made to be married cuz he doesn't like all of the things that go along with marriage. Like coming home when you say you do, or coming home at a decent hour, or just the plain common-courtesy types of things like calling home to let your family know what's going on and not worry them, etc., etc..
How do I keep my husband from just walking away and letting (US) his family down?

Answer 1

Unfortunately there nothing u can do if he really wants out, he will leave.. whether u want him to or not.. the problem is ur husband has never grown up, he's a little boy still trapped in a mans body that cant handle the responsibilities of being a "real man"..

The only thing i can suggest is you try reverse psychology on him, next time he says he wants a divorce.. start packing his things and put them next to the front door and say leave then..or u can do what my best friend did (her husband was like that always threatening divorce) and she went to a lawyer (one with free conceltation) and got alot of paper work from the lawyer, his card, things for pre-paring for divorce and she left it out where he'd find it.. when he saw she was looking at actually really starting divorce proceedings he got scared and begged for forgiveness..

You have to stop letting him get to u.. thats the first step.. if he wants out, let him go.. if u try and force the issue.. and he leaves.. then hun he was just looking for a good excuse he was going to leave in the first place just a matter of time.. so better now then continuing this stringing u along crap and living miserably.. time to make him walk the walk if he's going to talk the talk.. He's getting an ego trip every time he pulls the "divorce" card he likes making u scared and begging for him not to go..its a game to him..

And im sorry most men that really want out.. they dont sit around threatening it and never doing it.. its usually they say it and boom it happens, they dont screw around with it..

But if he does mean it, then stop trying to hold on to him , if he wants out that badly then all he's doing is waiting for the next "grass is greener on the other side moment " to do it.. so call his bluff , what really do u have to lose.?? Not much at this point, other then him not torturing u with the mind games..

Good luck, but id definately make a huge change in myself, id start actting as he barely exsisted in the house, id cook and clean only for me and my children and make him fend for himself in every way, when he starts asking whats up, id let him know he wants to be single, so why should u be his maid..tell him to let u know when he wants a wife and u'll do ur wifely duties till then he can kiss ur azz.. and get some strength and confidence in urself, go do things with out him, dress up , put on ur make up go buy a new outfit go get ur hair done whatever it is that makes u feel good about u , and make him realize what he's about to give up..the stronger u are, the easier it will be for u to handle if he does leave.. it will still hurt wont lie to u.. but its better to be on the up swing with urself esteem when it happens then on the down swing of depression to start with..

Good luck and i hope he realizes what a jerk he's being..

Answer 2

I feel for you. This is obviously a difficult situation, but please don't worry - very few people have a 'perfect family situation'; unexpected things do happen, and you should know that you will get through this and things will eventually be ok. In my opinion, you should tell your family. You feel bad about what happened with this 'family friend', who, I am sorry to say, took advantage of you. You and the family trusted her at a difficult time, and she should have done what was best for you instead of forcing you, when you were still a child, into a sexual encounter - especially when you told her you didn't want to. With you being only 14 at the time (and underage, by law), she was incredibly irresponsible to do what she did, and you should not now be stressed and upset because you were led astray by someone who should know better. I understand what it's like to feel pressured to be the perfect child, but really your parents will respect you all the more if you don't hide from your problems and take responsibility for what has happened. Hopefully this won't be too hard for you, as you seem to love your daughter. In all honesty, what this family friend has done is wrong, and you should be letting your family know so that they can give you the help and support you need.They shouldn't blame you for what happened to you under the care of a supposedly responsible adult. As for your daughter, she is the best thing to come out of all this. I am sure her presence will help you and counteract any negative experiences you may have in this current situation. Please don't worry. Your family loves you and you love your daughter - do what you can to keep them all close. Good luck.

Answer 3

There is nothing that you can do.You cannot force someone to change.Re-Read what you have wrote you have said several times that he told you that marriage is not for him.You had a misconseption of what marriage is yourself and now you have brought a child into this thinking that having a child would solve everything(WRONG)now it will just be more complicated.Your husband want's to be a free spirit not a family life.It does not sound at all like the two of you belong together.Why pronlong the torture get out now and move on.You married a man that told you he was not the marrying type(HELLO)that should have been a huge red flag for you.That is the problem with people they have no clue what marriage is really about they think that the answer to make thing's better is get married and have a baby(WRONG)Good luck to you.

Answer 4

I would sit down with him and ask him if he is having an affair. If he says no, then I think that before you two were married, he already had some issues that he probably never dealt with while he was growing up. It could be that his father did the same thing. It could be that he really wasn't ready for marriage, immaturity. It could be many things, but he doesn't know how to let you in.

You thought being married could only make you stronger, but it didn't because you tried to change him. You can't change someone, he has to want to change himself. So that is why you got married, because you thought he would change, but he is still the same.

The reason he threatens you when things don't go his way is because he is looking for an easier way out, running away from his problems and not fixing them, because he doesn't know how to fix them. There must have been some red flags before you two got married. Somewhere.

You have married the wrong man. There are many men out there over the age 36 who still don't take responsibility for their own actions. They run away from their problems because they have never learned to fix them. Those are the ones who don't care, but only care for themselves. He's has broken his vows to you.

It could be that he wants to just be single and not have to worry about anything, which is selfish.

If your husband wants to leave his marriage with you and leave his 4 year old son, without trying to make things work, then he will probably leave. If you still want to sit with him and talk about it more, then you need to talk to him by being nice about it, no yelling, be calm, and let him know that you love him and you want to make this marriage work and if there is any way that you can help him with any issues that he has. If he is unwilling to listen to you, then that should tell you, that he is already set in his mind to leave. Or, consider on getting these books called, "The Proper Care of Feeding of Marriage", "Bad Childhood, Good Life", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands". Because later down the road, you may need these. In the meantime, if he leaves you, do see an attorney and continue to raise your son, but do so without dating. He needs a mommy, not another stranger.

Answer 5

I would say you should let him go if your after what is healthiest for everyone involved.

But if you want to hold on you would have to do what ever he wants for him to stay. Like let him date and come and go as he pleases. Marriage rarely changes relationships for the better, unless they are very strong to begin with.

I think you should reconsider finding a man that feels mutualy. Theres plenty of fish in the sea. and plenty of guys with a kid around the age of 5 that would appreciate a sibling. If your kid is 4 and you found him a dad that wants to be there he'd probably barely remember the dad that didn't care when hes grown.

Answer 6

Your husband is right. He is not meant to be married. Since he has been this way since day one YOU shouldn't have STAYED in the marriage this long. He is not going to change so stop waiting for it to happen. He doesn't want to BE married, although I don't understand why he GOT married to begin with. You're not going to keep him from walking away unless you want your marriage to be totally miserable and your family just as miserable.

Answer 7

My dad served in nam and he was a workaholic, only problem was he had a drinking and gambling problem and he beat my mom, they got a divorce when i was 3 and i havent seen him since, some guys just cant face up to problems or things that are wrong in there life and the best thing they know is to run from the problem. My mom did good by herself and im sure you will be ok. So i can relate to what your going through but i dont have the right answer for you good luck sweetheart.

Answer 8

I think you tried to keep your marriage from falling apart and your husband from leaving for too long now (11 years), and it didn't make your husband happy or you happy...It's not working out so why loose more time, start over new lives before it's too late.

Answer 9

There is something going on lately with guys that all of a sudden are totally forgetting their wedding vows and betraying their families. It is sad. I know what you are going through. It is devastating. There are two things that have to happen immediately for a chance for you two to remain married and that is you two need to go to a Christian Marriage Counselor or talk with a Pastor and the most important is to pray about this. Good luck. Hopefully your husband will realize his priorities before it is too late.

Answer 10

I wish I could tell you something that would make you feel better. Sorry to say, there is no way to make him stay. If he goes, he goes. It will hurt you, yes and the hurt will stay for a long while. But eventually you will feel better - day by day. One day you will even realize that the best gift he ever gave you was to leave - giving you the freedom to find the right guy - the one who will take a relationship seriously and who means it when he says "To Death Do Us Part." Take it from someone who has been there!