my marriage is falling apart desperate for advice?

Question

before I got married I was dating a guy who was my first love. Until this day I think about him all the time. I now its bad for me to think about him but I cant help it. I love him so much. Me and my husband relationship are not so good at all. We are always arguing and at times its physicly. Iam just so cunfused I dont now what to do. What should I do.

okay I moved out of my state in 2001. I started talking to a guy. We started dating. I moved back home. So that relationship became a long distance. I became more spiritual in church and my paster told me to keep away from him. So I obay to my paster. Eventualy we broke up. It was the hardest thing for me because I loved him so much. I would pray all the time and ask God to take him out of my mind so I wont think about him.So I thought if I date someone maybe it will help. That when I meet my husband and eventualy we got married and two kids. Me and my husband argue a lot and yes we both get physicly hiting each other. At times we both agre to seperate but I am afraid to be on my own with two kids. Desperate for help

Answer 1

dear,
Life isnt a fairytale....Please except the fact that you are married and move forward.Forget your past and try to find your present and future in the person whom you are married to.Please dont give your hubby the treatment that he doesnot deserve...Try to discuss this with a friend of yours or a physologist.I am sure you will be out of it.All the best for a happy married life.[you always dont get what you want,but try to be contend with what you have got.]

Answer 2

All right, here's what a wise, fatherly psychologist told me when I was in the same position (fantasizing about my first love while my marriage was crashing down around my ears). He said "you're not still in love with that guy, even though it feels like you are. But... chances are there were things about that relationship that you don't have in your current one. Can you figure out what they are, what you're missing, and make those changes in your marriage? If you can, maybe your marriage has a chance, and you will certainly stop fantasizing about the other guy."

They were wise words. My marriage DID fall apart, my first date after the separation was with my coveted "first love," it was fun but we didn't hit it off because we'd both changed too much. (I'm not sorry my husband and I broke up, though, there were many more problems than this)

So feel the pain, but learn from the pain, then you can move on.

Also stop with the physical stuff! Call your local YWCA to see a counselor! You could get hurt.

Answer 3

You must have had strong feelings for your husband or else you wouldn't have gotten married. Like most other couples, there is allot you don't know about how to be in relationship with each other. Its just a matter of not knowing some things. Now that there is problems, its easier to want to go back to a time with your old bo. The right thing to do is to get to a good marriage counselor or pastor who does marriage counseling so he can help you get your relationship back on track. All those wonderful feelings you had for each other can all come back but there needs to be some forgiveness and some healing take place. Forget about the other guy. Get some help and save your marriage. :)

Answer 4

First of all if you are in physical danger, that would be your first concern to seek safety.
Second, it is natural to think about the ex's when your present relationship isn't going good. But before you start getting the butterflys again try to remember why you and the ex didn't work out in the first place. WE all have a tendancy to revert back to what is familiar, even if it isn't good for us. It's called "comfortable pain." The last thing you should do is try and rekindle an old flame while your going through problems with your husband.
If you are in a physically abusive relationship that is not healthy and to seek comfort from an ex is yet another disaster waiting to happen. If you choose to not to be in your marriage, another relationship is the last thing you want to do. Take the time to heal and give yourself room to explore what is best for you, not what feels good at the moment.

Answer 5

Have you tried marriage counseling? If your spouse won't go, go alone. Counseling builds up your personal confidence. I've been through a similar situation and finally got a divorce because of physical abuse. I found another spouse (not my first love) and have been happily married for over 20 years now. Life is short. Do what you can to enjoy it!

Answer 6

well i would probably find out what is going on with your ex.
You might see him again and realize the illusion you had about him is a fanatsy. then you get get on with the business of making your marriage work if that is what you want to do.
I dont think your marriage will get any better as long as there are questions about this old flame.
Find him. It should be easy to do on the internet.
See if he feels the same way about you
if so
dump hubby
and explore

Answer 7

If you had feelings for this other guy, why and the world did you marry someone else? Look what you have done to this marriage. Look what you have done to your husband. With the feelings that you have, you are the one destroying it.

I don't think you were ready to get married with anyone. You seem to be immature and selfish, just thinking of yourself.

I know these are harsh words, but I would consider on the both of you to seek counseling together. Otherwise, you will be left with just yourself, alone.

Answer 8

so why did you marry your husband the first time? is your first love still available and interested in you? did you try to save your marriage or just let it go rotten? why do you think about your first love all the time? is it because you don't have him now and it feels like the grass is greener on the other side? these are the questions you need to ask yourself before you make any decision or changes. after all, we make mistakes and we have to pay a price for it. before make sure you did make a mistake not just some fantasy. good luck!

Answer 9

if the only reason ur in ur marriage is because your scared of going at it alone.. then u shouldnt be married.. Physically abusive relationships are extremely bad not only for u and ur husband but your kids as well both of u are being really crappy parents to ur kids right now by putting them through such turmoil..
I understand the fear of going at it alone in the world, but once u do it.. u'll wonder why u waited so long to do it.. its only "really stressful" untill u get settled in a new home, with a job, and get yours and the kids schedules in place , once u do that , it becomes routine and the stress fades..
I think u need to forget about this other guy all together.. u need to concentrate on the safety and well being of your children, getting out of a distructive relationship for your children.. and less thinking about urself right now , ur kids need u to lead the way for them , if its with ur husband then stop all the violence crap and get some help if its not with him, then get your kids out of that situation before they think that this is normal and do this to their spouses when they grow up or letting their spouses do it to them..
I think u should be way more concerned with your kids then with any involvement with ANY other man..

Answer 10

What happened with your ex to end your relationship with him?
Try to remember the reasons it didn't work out.
As for the arguments you are having with your husband, I can't help you with that because you haven't described them in full detail.
My suggestion is that both you and your husband attend marriage counseling and learn better communication and relationship skills.
Trust me, there is hope if both of you are willing to make a change.
Good luck.