Should I stay with my husband for the kids?

Question

My husband is 10 years older than I and the father of my youngest-2 year old daughter,we have been married 3 years.My son is 8,his father died 6 years ago,drug od and things have always been rough. My present husband is a DAV(diasbled american veteran)He is BiPolar and very emotionally abusive.He goes up and down so much that he DOES sleep in the basement,we have seperate rooms.The only thing he offers us is financial security.One day he is on top of the world happy,then we dont see him for days because he is depressed,he is afraid of inhaling fumes from cars he dosent like my son because he isnt his......when I do leave my daughter with him, he sits in front of the tv and lets her wander around the house.....but,I have no college education no $ of my own.I know in his own way he loves us,he just wants to keep us here in his world.He twists the Bible for his own use saying I am to submit to him and obey him,he is above me and that house stuff is womens work.Its 2007!!!! Help!

Answer 1

Get OUT. Been there, it damages the kids. There are grants and babysitting $$ and all kinds of help for you to get some training and a good job. Think what a happy life you and the kids can have together without the bummer. Do hurry. Their childhoods are so short and fragile. Make it great for all of you. GO

Answer 2

This infidelity issue is something that you alone cannot resolve. Many things depends on the final decision. What steps has your husband taken to show repentance or if he is a sex addict, is he willing to go for therapy? Do you both have an open Intimate relationship? Do you love each other? A lot depends on the answers to these questions. If the outcome should be to stay together you will do it because you love each other and are both willing to work at the relationship not because you have children. Staying in a toxic and disfunctional relationship can only traumatize and hurt your children

Answer 3

OK, so ask yourself this, do you love your children, if you answer yes, and I hope you do, then GET OUT! Simply put. Think of the trauma your son has already dealt with, not to mention what he deals with daily, being in a home with a man that really doesn't acknowledge him. Do you want your daughter to get the message that it is alright to be with a man, for financial security, no matter how he treats her? Kids are very immpressionable, and they become, what we force them to become, no matter how hard you try to stay for money sake, if you get out now, in the long run, you will have happy, productive children, and children are GODS greatest blessing to us.
So the next question is, do you have family, a friend, that will let you stay with them, while you actively look for a job, anything that will pay the bills, to start with, because honey, you must crawl before you walk. You should never be in a situation that you have to depend on a man to support you.
Depending on the place you live, if it is small, then there are probably limited jobs, but clean a couple houses a day, IF YOU WANT BETTER FOR YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN, YOU WILL MAKE IT WORK.
There are tons of places you could go to get help. Start with the local Chamber of Commerce, be discreat wih your details, but inquire of a shelter that will assist you until you can get on your feet, there are places out there, you have to find them. Instead of staying on the ANSWERS/QUESTIONS page the rest of the night, do some google searches, for your are. Type in phrases such as, Womans shelter, assistance for mothers without jobs, etc. Be very careful and protect your children. Don't leave them in unfamiliar surroundings, you can't be to careful in todays society.

Good Luck and I hope for your kids sake, YOU LEAVE.

Answer 4

Girl you need to watch yourself. Emotionally abusive relationships can turn into physically abusive relationships, which are harder to escape. You are thinking of staying there for the kids, yet you say that he doesn't even care for the children when you are not there. That can be potentially dangerous for your children and yourself. Sometimes, although financial stability might be a good reason, it might not be GOOD ENOUGH. It is especially dangerous because he has bi-polar disorder. It sounds like you are in a very abusive relationship, although he doesn't use violence on you. Although it might seem that he loves you, if you don't feel good in that situation, if you fear for your children's and your lives, then you just need to leave. I know that it will be hard because you have no money of your own, but if you don't the consequences of staying could be worse. If you are AFRAID of leaving him because he is very manipulative or strict towards you, then you might want to secretly have a little getaway plan to leave him. Someone, store away some money (maybe a few $ every week from groceries or shopping). Contact a shelter or a friend and tell them your situation so you can find a place to stay. Have a bag packed of clothes and needed things for yourself and your children. And the biggest thing of all, if you plan to leave him, leave him while he is not there, because if he catches you, it could be a very dangerous situation for yourself and your children. By contacting a shelter, they might be able to put you in contact with some potential job options, so you could support your children. I know it sounds crazy, and hard to do, but it sounds like the best option for your situation. Although he is emotionally abusive and not physical,every day you submit to him, the harder it will be to leave him. Moreover, if you do decide to leave him later on, it might be to late and a bad situation might arise concerning your children or yourself.

Answer 5

You are THERE, living in your own unique situation, only YOU know what is best. So don't replace your own good judgement with mine, but I do believe that you can do more harm than good to your kids by staying in a toxic environment.

You made a few excuses as to why you should stay, but none of them sound like good reasons.
I am willing to bet that your kids don't really care a whole lot about financial security when they are being neglected by the person they look to as a father, & their mother is being abused, lives in fear, & is being treated like a chattel.
That is too high a price to pay for financial security in my books.

If you want to get out, then get out. There are shelters, & assistance for the short term until you can get on your own two feet, & there are plenty of jobs for women who have no college education. Later if you want to better yourself, then you can still take night courses, & get a college education if you want. But there is no need to feel trapped in a bad situation.

This man in his present state is a bad role model for your son, & you also have to ask what kind of a role model you are to your daughter by staying in this realationship.

So to answer your initial question of should you stay for the sake of the kids? No way!

Answer 6

Uhm, why did you marry him? If he's bipolar, he should be medicated. Most people with bipolar disorder are completely "normal" when medicated properly, but may have occasional mood swings. He also sounds like he needs therapy. Staying with him for the kids doesn't sound right though considering his behaviour will have a much more negative impact than divorce. If he is refusing treatment and not taking responsibility for his illness, then it's probably best to seperate and take things from there. Your own safety and the safety of your children is what is important now.

Besides, people with untreated bipolar disorder are certainly not known for their financial stability.

Answer 7

Man i think i know where your coming from! My ex was kinda the same way! He was the one paying the bills while i stayed home and took care of HIS kids! I like yourself have no college education and no money of my own! But you have to look at this way .... how long before he starts taking his anger out on your kids! Not only that but what happens if you leave your daughter with him and she gets into something and hurts herself! Will you ever be able to forgive yourself after that! Sorry if i sound harsh but you need to think of these things! Do you have any family that can help you?? I mean there are things you can do to help yourself! Just take it one day at a time! And do what you think is best for your kids!

Answer 8

Life is too short to be unhappy and he shouldn't mistreat you or your children. He shouldn't mistreat your son just because your son doesn't belong to him. When he married you, I am sure he knew you had a son and, in my opinion, it was a 2-for-1 package (you and your son). He should accept your son and love him, even though he isn't the biological father. I think you need to start putting some money back and try finding a job. I know it is scarey but you CAN and WILL be able to make it on your own. Just have faith in the Lord and don't be afraid to ask for help. Like I said, life is too short to be unhappy. Your children sense that you are unhappy and they shouldn't be mistreated or ignored by your husband. Good luck, honey, you CAN make it through this!

Answer 9

oh my god leave the bastard. he is into him and HIS feelings and it is not good to have the kids grow up around that your daughter will choose a man like her dad and you don't want that. he needs to get on his meds and the right ones speak to Dr about it and his behavior. or you could stay and try to find a job or a real good man from the sounds of it he might be close to the grave already and then you get everything. don't know what to do i know i would be gone he knew you had the boy when he married you sounds as if you get lots of mental abuse and I'm sure the kids do also. get out now. hell you can leave and stay married and when he kills over COLLECT girl you deserve it living with someone like that

Answer 10

Have you lost your mind?!? This man is not only bi-polar, but it appears two or three things are possibly happening: either he is not taking his meds, the meds need to be changed, or that he is also developing schizophrenia as well, which is not uncommon at all. Emotional abuse is by far greater that physical abuse. You can heal fromthe physical abuse, but that emotional abuse, will be there forever. You already admit he does not like your son, and is not looking out for your daughter's safety. College loans and grants are available every day. You need to get out of this situation before something dreadful happens. I know he can not helped that he has this debilitation disease, but neither can you or the kids.