What should I do about my married boyfriend?

Question

Please don't tell me I am wrecking a home and to find a single guy. I am almost 50 and have met TONS of men I didn't click with until I met the right guy - He just happened to be married. I have to admit that when I met him I hesitated to get involved until eventually both of us fell in love and realized we were soul mates. He has been unhappily married for a long time. He even tried to leave once several years before I met him. He went back because the kids were very young and it tore him apart to see them upset. He has good values despite the dishonesty of the affair. Despite counseling and a lot of effort on his part, his marriage is not working. He has made a conscious, deliberate decision to stay for the kids' sake (he has 3 between 12 and 15). At first he told me he didn't want to leave for at least 6 years. Then it went down to 4. Now it's down to 2 and a half years. He wants to live an honest life with me but I have to wait. My question is should I wait for him?

By the way, I am divorced with no kids of my own.

I don't think he is being dishonest with me even though he is being dishonest about the affair by not telling his wife. I have good judgment about people so I trust my instinct. He does intend to tell her he is leaving, just not until the kids are older.

And to the guy who is telling me I have 'one foot in the grave', I think you would be surprised to see what I look like. And my Dad, who is single again now that Mom has passed is 80 years 'young' and is dating like a fiend. He has more energy than a lot of people less than half his age. So there goes that theory!!

Married men DO leave their wives when there is another woman, only it is much rarer than for them to stay. He insists he is going to be one that leaves. I do trust that he is sincere but after all is said and done, will he have the nerve to do it?

Answer 1

That's a tough question. Affairs are rough situations. Since he has a family, it is making the situation very difficult. The big issue here, is whether or not he will divorce his current wife. Married couples often make a big mistake with staying together for the children. Children, although with 2 parents, can face scarred lives to witness their parents not getting along. If the parents really are not meant to be together, although they have tried, then I am sad to say that it should be ended. Since the children are in their teens, they might be able to handle the divorce with a little more understanding than if they were younger and just though "daddy left us because he didn't love us." It is of course going to be very hard for them to accept him going to you if they choose to divorce or that fact he has had an affair at all. If you love him, if you truly think you both are soul mates, then wait for him. But you need to tell him that if he is miserable, waiting until his kids graduate isn't going to make it any better. Ultimately, the truth is going to reveal itself whether he wants it to or not, and the longer he waits, the more hurt his family is going to experience. There is also a greater chance that the family find out in an unexpected way, having harsh consequences for him.

Answer 2

I have the same problem as yours with slight differences. i totally understand how u feel when u stated "I met tons of men and did not click until u met the right guy"...but u have to consider many things like if he's really honest or not? at the end of the day he is not the one losing..he has his wife even though he's not happy and he has his kids..and ur alone (the losing side)...my boyfriend has the same excuse his children some financial issues...but i still believe a man could do anything if he wants to even if he's married to 50 other women...i totally understand u, but u have to think this way too..think about yourself...i mean give yourself the chance to meet other guys dont shut the door completely...and dont throw urself to him...keep the relationship u never know he might take action one day...keep in mind that 90% of married couples are bored and look for a change..but at the end of the day they're one family...i dont want u to get attached and hurt as i am now...

Answer 3

You said he wants to live an honest life with you. What does it matter if he does it now or in 2, 4, or 6 years? Even if he waits the minimum he's stated of 2 years, there is still a child at home, if you want to speak in terms of staying in it 'for the kids'. I think if you want to continue this relationship, he needs to take that step to leave the marriage.

Answer 4

NO you should not wait for him. There is every possibility that he will work things out and stay with his wife. My husband left me for a little tramp just like you but came to his senses after only a couple of months and we are happier than ever now. Even if he did leave and come to you he would feel bad and blame you for his sadness. Also what's to stop him getting bored with you eventually and moving on again or worse still cheating on you. Wouldn't that be terrible for you !! Then you would know how his wife felt when she finds out he has been cheating on her. What goes around comes around, well l believe so anyway. Perhaps you should rethink your future, without this cheating pig of a man. They all say they are unhappy in their marriage and it's stupid women like you that fall for that crap and allow them to do it.

Answer 5

You should wait for him to END HIS MARRIAGE. Get honest with yourself. He wants to live an honest life with you, after the kids are older!?! They are teenagers already, and like someone else said, they can deal. I think you putting yourself out if you want to wait for 6 years fo this guy to come around. Not to mention all the sneaking around you will have to do for all that time. I don't think you even needed to ask the question in this forum. You don't want to hear the thoughts of unbiased parties. You want someone to say, "No honey, you wait for your man". Go back to your Den of Sin and continue to defend your spineless mate.

Answer 6

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Answer 7

I don't think he's being honest with you. I mean, he's obviously not being honest to his wife and he took vows with her. I think he wants to stay with his wife and keep you on the side. He's a grown man with teenage children - surely an unhappy married life is not something that he wants his kids to learn to deal with when they're adults. With his reasoning, that's what he thinks is okay.

I just don't think he's being honest and you may need to walk away.

Answer 8

Rule one: Married men do NOT leave their family for the other woman.

If you believe you are truly soul mates and he says he's counting the days until he can be with you, refer to Rule one.

Answer 9

Tell his wife your intentions.
See how happy you can make all involved.
If he is willing to leave his wife for you, I bet the odds are he would do the same to you, regardless of what you think.

Answer 10

If he left his wife and the mother of his children, what makes you think he won't cheat on you? Christmas time must be lonely, huh?