Should I be getting divorced or am I just crazy? We're 28 & been together 9, married for 5. I've never been in

Question

a remotely serious relationship with anyone else. For 19, she had a fairly serious dating history & had been through a lot. She has been my best friend for the past 10 years, but over the last few yrs. things have changed. She took a job opposite mine (our decision, not just hers), so we only see eachother an hour a day outside of weekends. Ive gotten used to & enjoy the bachelor lifestyle & have made new friends & social acquaintances. I DREAD the weekends with her and would rather be on my own. I'm a totally different person than the one she married. Our interests are now totally different, but thankfully our personalities still mesh, to a point. Since we married, she has let herself go & has put on over 100 lbs. I have worked hard to take care of myself. I resent she won't do the same for me, she's tried a little. I'm VERY concerned about her longterm health. I'm only slightly emotionally connected to my wife now. Its hard to say I love her & am barely physically attracted to her.

My largest problem with divorce is the guilt of leaving her because I do care about her as a person and my best friend. We don't have any kids, she'd like to start, I'd prefer to wait a little longer (because of my current issues). We do communicate well, and we have talked about all of this, I just need a "second opinion". We try not to bring friends into our relationship. She's trying get gastric bypass cause she can't loose the weight, though I feel she just hasn't tried hard enough and its an easy way out. There are a lot of reprecussions and I'm nervous about her health down the road, but we can't stay like this. I'm just not interested in her right now, and her self-esteem from the weight keeps her from being comfortable with me. Her priorities are no longer my priorities in life, and vice-versa. I think our communication is good enough that counseling won't help much. We've always been able to communicate, that's definitely one of our relationships strongest points.

Now because of my lack of dating history, which I used to be fine with, I feel like I'm missing out on something else or someone else, and that I'm making a huge mistake staying with her.

Am I just crazy?

Answer 1

I think that her weight is a major factor in your problem.Get her to lose it. It doesn't really matter how, as long as it is safe. Once she losses it, start her on a proper diet and exercise and start working hard at being together (in bed). If you still feel the same after that, then it's time to talk to her about leaving.
I have seen this situation a lot and it is very common.
A woman's weight gain is usually caused by a husband's lack of interest in her. Also, because of your work schedule, you have never been able to properly bond as a couple. If you ever did love her, you should at least try. But she must lose her weight first. Because even though you didn't say it in exact words, it is easy to see that that's a major part of the problem.

Answer 2

First, every relationship is different, and no one else can tell you what is right for you.
But... I was in a similar relationship. We got married when we were just 20, and after 5 years,no kids, but the flame had just fizzled, I didn't like his friends, we both worked and went to school, so we barely saw each other.I had gained some weight, and he did not find me sexy any more. The fact that he told me this made me feel terrible, and worsened the problem. We dreaded weekends together, because everything turned into a fight. We decided to get divorced, and we both felt very relieved after the decision. It was hard to tell our families and friends. I moved out, and soon mover about 2 hrs away. Now we are amicable. we talk on the phone 1 or 2X a month, and when I'm in town, we get together. We agree that we will always have a special place in each others lives, but we are better off apart. He has a girlfriend, that he has been with for almost two years now. I have remained single. We are both very happy. I do not consider our marriage a mistake, because we both learned a lot from it, and came out okay.

Answer 3

First of all, you both need to go to counseling to talk about and work out the issues.

Secondly, you both need to come to an agreement to have jobs where you can see each other more. That alone is killing the marriage.
My husband and I used to have jobs like that (I worked in the day, he worked at night). We came to an understanding where I would work compatible hours to see each other.

Regarding her weight gain and speaking from a woman's perspective: she likely "let herself go" because she sensed your lack of interest and she hardly ever sees you to have any kind of marriage or relationship with you. A man needs to be there and when he isn't, why should she keep herself up when he is not around? Help her in that area and she'll get herself back on track. (Counseling can also help here.) The surgery is NOT an easy way out. Many people have a hard time losing weight and need this surgery. I know someone who did it.

If you're not willing to go to counseling with your wife nor work on having compatible jobs so you get to see each other, you may as well get divorced now because you do NOT really care about her nor saving the marriage. She deserves a better man. It's obvious you don't care about her nor the marriage and would rather not be with her. So why stay?

Answer 4

A lot of women that gain weight do it not because they let themselves go on purpose but suffer from depression or other medical issues. Yes there are some that just over eat, and I wont assume that is your wife's problem. If you act differently towards her and show her that you are not attracted to her how do you think she's supposed to maintain her self esteem? And just how do you know that she hasnt "tried hard enough" to lose the weight? I'll be honest with you, in the last YEAR thats right I said YEAR I have gained 100 pounds if you looked at me with clothing on you'd never be able to tell. Its not because of what I eat or lack of exercise its because of a thyroid problem which thank god was detected because I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore. This body isnt me! That being said if you do not love your wife and can not stand to be with her its time to let her go so that she can find someone that will love her for who she is and not look down on her for her weight. You two have been together since you were teenagers and people that get together at that age often grow apart. As you said you communicate well and she's your best friend, but you no longer have the same interests in life. Im glad my husband understand why my weight came on and tells me everyday that I am still beautiful in his eyes {and he is very physcially fit} because with the weight the self esteem goes down the toliet. I myself like your wife wanted gastric bypass out of fear for my heath. But I have NO health issues other then the damn thyroid problem so I am not even considered and that goes for lap band too. Its apparent you want out of the relationship, so get out and remain friends. We all need friends in life.

I just read your other questions 3 weeks ago you asked this same question twice. And you did leave out the fact your emotionally and phsyically attracted to another women. Although you havent left your wife in a physical sense you have left her in an emotional sense so move on honey stop looking for reasons to stick around. She doesnt deserve this.By asking this question 3 times what are you trying to justify?

Answer 5

Wow! A lot on your plate. You two have grown apart because of the lack of time together. It HAS to change. You both took vows. You CAN be " in love " again. It will just take time & commitment from both of you. Why do you suppose she gained all the weight? She's worried about your relationship, too. You still mesh-start from there. Remember " the good, old days " and try to rememevber why you two got married in the first place. See a counsler. It's not a cure all, but your marriage is worth a visit or two, isn't it? Perhaps an educated third party could help in a way you're not aware of. Please try to save your marriage. You both sound like wonderful people that the rest of us hope to be like-good luck & take care!

Answer 6

I can see the weight gain being an issue for many reasons. Good for you for trying to sort this out BEFORE you go chasing someone else. I think you know when it's over if you really listen to yourself, and the important thing to realize here is how quickly time passes. If you think you're wasting time,i.e., would staying with her only be putting off the inevitable breakup down the road?--then move on. Provided that you're a good person, which you seem to be, you will proably find a more suitable match and true happiness. I was in your shoes five years ago and now I'm married to my physical and emotional soulmate. Good luck!

Answer 7

If you leave, You more than likely will run into the same fork in the road with someone else. It sounds more like a sexual problem. If you are together for compatiblilty you will always have this issue because people change alot throughout the course of time. So, what you liked about her then may not be present now. What I am trying to say is that I get from what you said that you genuinly LOVE her and the reason you are together is that in it's self. She needs you more now than ever. Love is work and we all know that you don't get what you really need without alot of work. Follow your heart. :)

Answer 8

Well if your ready to go and your only staying cause you think you will hurt her feelings. I think you two are already hurting inside. she's unhappy too and she's eating out of emotional problems you and her have. so she too isn't happy. and I know your not from your note here. You both get along communication wise > so any way you tell her you want a divorce will hurt anyone will feel that . but let her know you truely still want to be her friend . most marriages that end in divorce dont' end up being friendly but it sounds like you two have a good footing here on that subject. Its too bad you both took different jobs for different times i think this grew you two apart and you got use to it at the same time became more distant from one another.

but with that being said you want out. And im sure she isnt' happy with the situation as well. So just sit her down be calm and re assure her you will always care for her but more as a friend and you'll always love her but your not in love with her. and that you think both of you should try and find your happiness its just not working and life is short and why pretend to be happy when neither of you are. your only living a lie so i think this is best for both of us. it may not be what she wants to hear. by why prolong the inevitable. you will both be miserable and it will get worse the longer you wait as time passes.

Good luck.

Answer 9

No l wouldn't say you are crazy at all, a little mixed up perhaps but certainly not crazy. It sounds to me as if you have fallen out of love with your wife and you seem quite comfortable with the idea. You have made new friends and moved on with your life, your wife on the other hand has not. In all honesty from the way you feel about your relationship with your wife l think the nicest and fairest thing you could do right now is to tell her exactly how you feel, complete honesty is required here. Don't just sit around letting her think everything is fine when it certainly is not. Be totally and brutally honest with her about your feelings and move on with your life and allow her to do the same. The way you are feeling is not fair on yourself or your wife and you need to resolve things with her. I know it may be hard on both of you but the way l see it you don't have a lot of choices. Best of luck to you

Answer 10

I don't think that anyone else can tell you to get a divorce or not, but honestly, it sounds like you've already made a decision. Is there any part of you that is still in love with her and wants to make the marriage work? The problem is that if you're not 100% willing to put in the effort to make it work, it's not going to work. I know you said that counseling won't help because you already have great communication, but you never know. If there is even an ounce in your that wants this to work, then you may want to it.