How do I tell my fiance that he is verbally abusive and needs to get help or I'll leave?

Answer 1

You tell him lovingly, but assertively that you mean business. I was married for 20 years to a verbally abusive man. He was a really nice guy and lots of people found him to be very charming and likeable. He had a great sense of humor and was very smart. He brought out the best in me and I did the same for him. For these reasons, I didn't recognize the abuse when it was happening at first. It progressed ever so slowly through the years until after 17 years, it got to the point to where I finally realized that the teasing comments that were meant to be funny were actually put-downs, and the "take charge" attitude that he was displaying was really his needing to be in control at all times, no matter what. When I disagreed with him, he would quote the Bible and tell me how I was sinning because I was not being a subservient wife and that a "contentious woman was an abomination of the Lord". If I had an argument, he would call up friends or family members and tell them that I had "lost it again" or "gone off the deep end", even though I was only disagreeing with him and was not out of control or irrational. We are divorced after 20 years of marriage for much more than this stuff. I will tell you though, I have been away from him for 2 years now and he has re-married. He still thinks he can manipulate my emotions and blatantly lie to me to try to make me think I am crazy when in fact he is the one who is nuts. I was able to prove this in court when he lost custody of our kids and had to take an anger management class and a parenting class. I now have a restraining order against him. During our custody trial, we were both ordered to undergo psychiatric evaluations to see who was the more stable parent. My psych eval was normal - this after both my parents died and my brother died and he kidnapped my daughter in his attempt to control the outcome of the whole situation. His psych eval showed he has a personality disorder.

My point to you is this: with verbal abuse, it may not leave physical signs that others will notice, but it is just as destructive as physical abuse. In fact, it can even be worse because others are more likely to notice when someone is being physically abused and try to help, but with verbal abuse, that is often unseen by others. A verbal abuser will often start out slowly and gradually undermine you, your feelings of self-worth, and your abilities. With time, you will start to question yourself and your ability to think rationally or to be capable of things that you previously would thought yourself very capable of doing. You might even think you are unattractive because the verbal abuser can make you think you are unattractive in order to control you and in an attempt to prevent you from seeking attention from those of the opposite sex. When you tell an abuser he is hurting you, he will blame you for it and somehow turn the situation into being your fault. In my situation, my ex tried to convince me, and still tries, to make me think I was losing my mind and that I made irrational choices. Once my eyes were finally opened to what he was doing, I tried to tell him he was abusive and he just became more so. We even went to a counselor who told him he was verbally abusive, and this man, who he highly respected, suddenly lost credibility in the eyes of my ex and we stopped seeing him. Everyone who was close to him, including a pastor and several male friends, tried to tell him that his behavior was wrong, and he flat out would not listen. I am a much happier person now that I am divorced and my children live in a home where there is not constant fighting and abuse. I am now engaged to a man who treats me with so much dignity and respect.

It's good that you recognize your fiance's abuse now, rather than after you've been with him awhile. Because he seems to have sped up the process of abuse (not taking the route of gradually increasing abuse the way a lot of abusers do), I can tell you that it can only get worse. Often, verbal and emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with this guy, I think it's great that you want to make sure he doesn't abuse you. In answer to your question, I think you should just come out and tell him that you feel he is abusive to you and then give examples. He will likely dismiss your examples as silly or might even tell you that you are overreacting. If he does that, then you can be fairly certain that you are dealing with someone who is abusive, rather than someone who just doesn't realize how his words are coming across. Some people are just raised with a different way of communicating that comes off as very rude or hurtful to others, but harmless to themselves. I would suggest couples counseling, and if he refuses, then I would leave. If you are seeing a pattern this early, then I can tell you, it will only get worse.

I know this is a long answer, but I wanted to also suggest a book called "Boundaries - When to say YES, When to say NO - to Take Control of Your Life" - written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I took a Boundaries class as part of my healing from my divorce because my divorce happened at the same time as my parents' and brother's deaths, and I needed all the moral support I could get. This book is great for EVERYONE in that it teaches all of us how to set boundaries for ourselves for what we will accept and won't accept from the way other's treat us in work relationships, romantic ones, from our children, from our parents, from our friends etc.

Okay, best of luck to you.

Answer 2

Let him know how it makes you feel, use the "I" messages as much as possible. Example "I feel hurt when I hear ....". It helps keep him off the offensive. Be firm and stick with what you say, or he will get the idea that you are blowing smoke again. So make sure you are willing to do as you say. No matter what is said, keep you voice calm and quiet. Its hard sometimes, but its best in the long run. Start going to counseling, that will show him that you are serious about needing a change. It will give you an outlet, support and encouragement and ideas on how to handle different situations. I wish you the best of luck. I'm happy to see that you are seeing the problem BEFORE getting married. I certainly wouldn't marry him at this point, even if the wedding was tomorrow. Good Luck to you!!

Answer 3

Try this:
"you are verbally abusive and need to get help or I'll leave"
Then make sure you leave if he does not get help or you will spend the rest of your marrige being verbally abused....or worse.

Answer 4

How about you b^tch slap him the next time he starts? Just kidding, tell him he needs to enroll in anger management classes. If he does not get help, the marriage won't happen. There have to be consequences for his actions. He acts poorly you dump him. No idle threats. Just move on and find a sweetheart of a man if this one doesn't straighten out.

Answer 5

You just have to do it. It is better to get this done now instead of waiting until you are married and it's too late.

Answer 6

Just like that sweetie. Tell him enough is enough and you deserve better! I did it that way.

Answer 7

Yea, I think that will be best. =]