Why do people assume that working mothers are not good mothers?

Question

(This is in response to the question: Why do working mothers despise stay at home mothers?)

I respect the choice of stay-at-home mothers to stay at home; why do many of them reject my choice to work?

My daughter goes to a good day care which she enjoys attending. The daycare is on-campus, so I can usually pop by and see her during lunch. I took as much maternity leave as I could (3 months), and worked only part-time for an additional 4 months. I breast feed, I pump, I co-sleep, and I feel like I am providing excellent care for her (she's 7 months old now).

I enjoy my job. Yes, I have the financial need to work, but I also need the intellectual stimulation that my job provides.

Yet so many people think I should feel bad about working, or assume that I am not providing the best possible care for my baby. When did it become acceptable to work, but unacceptable to not feel bad about it?

Answer 1

My wife is a SAHM, but I don't think working mothers are inherently bad mothers. Sometimes it's the lesser of two evils to chose from (the other would be living in or near poverty). If it's a matter of choice, then staying at home would be the better parenting decision, but again, it doesn't make the person a BAD parent, but possibly not the best parent they COULD be if they stayed home. Still, the benefit of being a "work-by-choice" mother would be a more comfortable living situation.

Answer 2

People assume that if you are working, the child does not get enought 1 on 1 attention from the mom. I am a sahm, but I have also been a working mom, and will be one once I finish college. As long as your child is well taken care of throughout the day and gets the attention that she needs from you when you are home, then she will grow up seeing that anything is possible in life. That woman can work and still take care of the family. Try not to let it bother you, it is a debate taht has been going on for years. :) You are doing a great job.

Answer 3

I've done both (work and stay at home) and I see no difference between kids that have gone to quality daycare and kids that stay home with a parent. As long as a child is cared for and nurtured by all parties involved, that's what is important. I guess some people think that there is some injustice being done if a Mom works but as it is said..it takes a village to raise a child and daycare is part of the village.

Answer 4

Baloney that you can't do two things well. You just can't be in two places at once. I am a work-outside-the-home mother of a seven month old baby boy. I balance my work and home time because I have a flexible position that allows me to be at work at 10 and leave at 4 -- four days a week. I also answer emails after the baby is asleep at night. It is a juggling act but it works.

I get so annoyed when some stay-at-homers get judgmental about their choice, because yes, like you, I don't get all snooty about their staying at home. Perhaps, to address your question without getting all fired up, is that women who work outside the home are made to feel like they aren't with their children enough (or they feel inwardly that they are not and guilty) and women who stay at home feel that they are not valued by society enough and are "just" a stay-at-home mom. In other words, each side is harboring insecurities and feelings that they are not doing enough or the right thing.

Which means that you really can't win on this, and it is pointless to argue it. There will always be a stay-at-homer accusing you of not caring enough, and a working mom saying you are wasting yourself intellectually if you don't work.

ugh!

Answer 5

Sweetie, you answered your own question, the ideal that working mothers are not good mothers stems from the same mentality as the ideal that stay at home mothers are lazy. I wish things were different, but no matter which you choose there will always be people out there who think they have the right to pass judgment so the best those of us who don't judge can do is ignore them. When it comes right down to it, does what others think REALLY matter as long as YOU know you are doing your best? Today it is hard for both Mom and Dad NOT to work to get the bills paid and it sounds like you are doing everything possible to keep your daughter healthy and happy. God Bless. :-)

Answer 6

Amen.

I also choose to work (though I wish at times I could be a stay-at-home mom), and have encountered the people that think I "neglect" my daughter. I think what I am showing her is that as a woman, I have the right and responsibility to contribute to the financial stability of the family. My husband works a good job (he's a college professor), but I also know that he appreciates that he doesn't carry all of the burden of supporting us financially. And I do like being out of the house doing something that is my own, too. And my daughter gets an opportunity to develope her social skills by being at a daycare with other kids she gets to play with. And it also makes our time together that much more special. And there is nothing more special than walking into the daycare to get my daughter, and hearing "momma" and getting the type of grin that causes her face to disappear, as she runs over to hug my legs. (Just typing this is making me smile)

I think it is a choice, just like everything else in life. And I think that everyone should respect other's choices, even if they don't agree with it. It may not be right for their lives, but it might be for someone else.

Answer 7

I think that is changing, now that so many families need that second income, I worked my whole life and even had to go back to work when my daughter was 6 weeks old I only went back part time, then I received an injury that prevented me from working, this happened in 2003 this ended up in major surgery that took more away from my daughter than working but now I have started back to work but I am very fortunate I got a job as a substitute teacher at my daughters school. This lets us stay close. There are plenty of stay at home moms that spend less quality time with their children than a mother who works. I think it all comes down to the type of mother you are.

Answer 8

I am a stay at home mom, but I did work in my sister's daycare for 4 years when my children were small and went with me. The sad thing was that there were a few mothers that left their children in daycare to go to work and only made enough to pay daycare fees. Everyone has their own needs and my husband works his behind off so that I can be here for the kids when ever they may need me, which is great for us. The only problem that I have with mothers working, is the ones that work and make enough just to pay for daycare. To me that is sad.

Answer 9

I am a stay at home by choice for the past 13 years. I was fortunate enough financially to be able to do that. I do miss the intellectual stimulation my job provided (I was a certified medical asst). I do not condemn nor despise working mothers nor feel that they are bad mothers. Let's face it, a bad mother is a bad mother no matter if she works or not!

Answer 10

I am a SAHM and don't see anything wrong with the working mother. I have friends that have kids who work and put their children in day care. And don't knock them because I know that there are people out there that have to do it. As for me I plan on going back to work at some point my son is 4 and half months old. But I'm able to get a part time night job and still stay home with my son. I couldn't imagine leaving my son with total stranger's. Even it if was a good day care I just don't have the heart and wouldn't want someone else raising my child. Plus maybe missing out on their "first's". Now this is just me I'm not judging you or anyone else for that.

I've heard of other people saying that puting your kid in daycare makes them learn how to be independant and not being afraid to be around crowds or different people. But being that my son is home with me he does have his independance and he loves being around different people and going to new places.My son is social because I am social. It doesn't mean I stay home all day long! We go for walks, go to the stores together and go to our neighbors who also have kids and they are SAHM's. I just feel that the child needs his/her mother and or father at those crucial ages.

I feel lucky that I can work part time at night and still be with my son. That way my son either has me or his dad, not someone that he doesn't know.