What should I do now that I am separated?

Question

My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs and have two children. He is in the military and since he came back from Korea two years ago things began to change. He began lieing to me about how late he was staying at work only for me to find out it was because he was going to see some girl he met at the mall. I never really got over it and it has just been down hill from there. In the last two weeks things have just gotten worse the emotional abuse has gotten out of hand so I asked him to move out and have agreed to begin the divorce process. It has been a week now and I have met a man you seems to be interested in me. My dilemma is should I pursue things with this man or should I wait even though I know in my heart that I have not loved my soon to be ex for quite some time now. Am I wrong to want to be with someone who will not disrespect me and who will not continue to put my children at risk?

My kids are 2 1/2 and a year old. My 2 year old is beginning to understand when we were having arguments and this is another reason why I feel it is best to go our separate ways becuase the constant fighting was starting to affect my son and I didn't want the same thing to happen to my daughter who is a year old.

Answer 1

In my opinion, it is critical to take some time to heal after a significant relationship ends. Spend the time figuring out what went wrong (including your part in it . . . which can include things like marrying too fast, for the wrong reasons, etc.). Consider what you learned about yourself from the relationship. Think about what you liked and disliked about your husband, and what sort of person you need to be with in the future. Think about what you can do to be a better person in your next relationship. Spend some time with your kids and your friends (if you don't have any friends this is the time to get some!). When you feel whole again, and good about yourself, then go out and look.

Right now, though, is WAY too soon. Even if you don't give two whoops about your husband, you have not had time to heal and you are not ready for a new relationship. You are vulnerable to (a) picking another guy just like your ex, because you don't know any better yet and (b) falling victim to an opportunist--there are men who stalk newly separated women!

Take your time, trust me!!!!!

Answer 2

WAIT!, you know you still got it. Give things time to settle down a bit. Concentrate on the kids and yourself right now. explain this to your new friend, if he's mature, he'll understand and be willing to wait a while. Get all the divorce crap out of the way, relax a bit, then and only then, open the door to a new relationship. If you jump head first into more complications before the divorce is done and gone, you'll be in for a bunch of added confusion ,harassment and jealousy.

*You can't know if this new guy won't ..in time disrespect you and YOU may be putting your children at risk by moving too fast into a situation with a vertual unknown personality.

Answer 3

It's not a good idea to start a relationship while you're separated. It's a good idea to wait until the divorce. Technically, you would be committing adultery, and you could loose custody of your children, or loose a good divorce agreement, because of it. It's a very sad situation.

I'd recommend that you see a marriage counselor. Also, join a Divorce Care or Divorce Recovery class--they will help a lot now. Realize that a guy who looks "great" now may be a wolf in sheep's clothing. Your defenses are down. Wolves (either sex) often can spot newly separated or divorced people, and can make their life 1,000 times worse.

Now, it's best to "tend your garden," do the things that you enjoy--foods, music, movies, books, friends, massage, etc.

The link to the Divorce Care website is below. They have a search for local classes. Good luck!

Answer 4

No it's not wrong. In fact it sounds as your marriage may have been rushed, and not out of love. I am assuming you got married close to the time (or while) he was deployed.

In fact you are to be commended on your courage to find the personal strength to do what you know is right, for both you, and your children.

If I were you though, I would not become involved with anyone until your divorce is finalized. It will be easier on you if you have less going on.

And to answer you question
What should I do now that I am separated?

You live your life, to the fullest, with no regrets, each day is a new day full of endless possibility's, love with all your heart, and smile at strangers.

Answer 5

I have been in almost this exact same situation. Divorce was the worst experience of my life. I immediately found some one after we separated. That single mistake has been the demise of my life.

Listen when I tell you that adding someone else to your life right now will be the most distracting thing you can do. If you add someone else into the mix you Will make decisions on your divorce that will have the ability to cause damage to the rest of your life. You need to get through the divorce first. Concentrate on getting a fair divorce and then date several people. At least 10 to find out what kind of person you want to be with. Granted this guy could be the one but you need to look around and find yourself first before you enter into any kinds of serious relationships. Your heart is vulnerable you just want to be loved. But resist the temptation now and you could spare yourself a lifetime of regret, not to mention your children's ability to make it through this life altering event.

Answer 6

you cannot go on and see another guy until you get over your ex COMPLETELY! trust me, what will happen is that you will be thinking of him while you are with guy #2 and guy #2 doesnt get 100% of you. plus you will do some "things" with guy 2 trying to get over your ex and that just wont work. the best thing you can do is date as many guys as you can and get a feel for who is out there. dont settle for the first person to cross your path b/c that is what you are doing. i know what it feels like to be lonely, but i also know the feeling of being IN LOVE, and thinking that you are. take your time, hang out with your women friends, and the more things you do to keep your mind off of your troubles - the better it will be. you need to listen to your heart, and you heart is telling you to get over him and then find someone else. it will take you a while to find that special someone, and when that time comes, you still are faced with closing out that chapter of your life with guy 1. dont rush, b/c you will be feeling regret and also hurting whoever guy two could be in the future. take the positives from your marriage (if any) and leave the past behind and move ahead!! good luck to you my dear

Answer 7

I feel that way because no one needs me except my calico cat, Furrbie. I long to be part of some female human's life, but alas, I might be too old to arouse the romantic instinct in anyone. But another reason I have felt lonely is because I have been selfish. An example is how I set myself up to mostly answer questions here, and accumulate "points", thinking I can help everyone else. NO MORE!. Now I plan to ask at least 20 questions each week, more if I can think of them, in order to give others the chance to be helpful and get points, and express themselves, and I feel better and less selfish already ! :-) I'm gonna SPEND MY POINTS and try my best to avoid getting 8,000 of those goldarn stupid points.

Answer 8

You should wait because it's only been a week you barely know the guy and your still married, you have to learn how to be strong in a marriage.....everything is not going to be perfect and you have to think about your children and you have to be careful if he abuse you emotionally it can turn into physical......So just wait until your really ready to move on

Answer 9

You need to be careful, because you are still legally married to this guy. Any extramarital affairs could convince a judge to rule against you in some areas of your divorce.

Military personnel have 80% divorce rates. I'd choose a guy not in the military next time.

Answer 10

Stay Friends for Now until your Mind is more Settled
This Time put Yourself and the Children First
A Relationship can come when you feel the time is more right