mom asking for advice for high school senior with friend issues?

Question

My son is a senior in high school, we have a very close mother ,son relationship . And I'm getting worried about him ,it seems to be a difficult time for him with friends. he works they don't,they have just recently stopped saving him a seat at the lunch table which is a biggy in high school if I remember correcly. He seems to think he has no friends at all his senior yr. I would like to have some adise on how to talk to him,keep his spirits up. with out sounding just like a mom.Now a days it is emotionally draining for high school,trying to work and hold on to your friends too.

Answer 1

This is kind of a touchy issue. From what I've seen with my daughter, who is 14, most teens really don't want mom delving too deeply into issues of friendship and popularity. Remembering back to the dark ages when dinosaurs roamed the earth and I was a senior in high school, I really didn't want to talk too much to mom about such things.

With all due respect, and I mean this in the best way possible, your closeness with your son might be a part of the problem. He is at an age where it's important for him to develop and assert his own individuality and to deal with peer group problems and issues in his own way. I have to keep telling myself this when my daughter has problems that I want to help her solve: I am not going to live forever, and the best gift I can give to my daughter is confidence that she can deal with life's problems without needing mom to help her.

I think this is something you need to let your son know: that you have confidence that he can work things out on his own. Life sometimes brings us rough patches when we either don't have too many friends, or the friends around us aren't much help in dealing with issues in our lives. That can happen when we're 18 or in our 30's or when we're in our 50's or when we're older. He is not alone in going through a time when the friends he has are thinning out.

FWIW, this is going to happen regardless of work issues at his time of life. Senior year of high school is time of big change and plans: some people planning to go away to college, some people staying and going to the local JC, some taking up a trade or getting a job, but whatever happens, the days of hanging out with the same group that you've been in all your school life are ending.

Of course, the corollary to that is that new friendships are going to be forged and life is going to take on a different vista as your son goes on to college or becomes a full-time worker. This is the time that new friends are made and life takes a turn for the future-- job, possibly romance on the horizon, that sort of thing.

I think those are the things you need to get across to your son: first, that you have confidence in his ability to work things out for himself and will respect his boundaries if he doesn't want your help or solace. Hard for a mom to accept, but necessary if you want him to be well-equipped to face life without you. Second, that you understand that is a time of great change for him and his peer group, when things can be uncertain and even scary, and that this can cause friendships to thin out and go into abeyance as people's plans can be different and lead to parting of the ways. And again, emphasize that you have confidence in his ability to deal with these changes. Third, that over time he will find a new stability with regard to friendships, which will be different from high school friendships.

And, as always, that you love him and have confidence in him.

Good luck to you and your son.

Answer 2

You really need to talk to your son and find out why his friends are alienating him. Talk with his teachers to see if there anything else going on. Getting a job my be part of the problem if it is taking away time for friendships ( this is unlikely). Its good you have a close relationship with you son, this will make talking to him easier. But don't trust every thing he says teens often will walk around a problem instead of hitting head on. Believe me there more to the story than a job. If it was the job he would want to quit and most likely would. Don't be quick to blame just listen. Often people put the blame on others to keep it off them self. Try not to take sides until you have a full understanding of what is really going on. Remember your dealing with a young adult not a little child.

Answer 3

Wow, we are in the same boat. My son is in 11 th grade though, but we also have a very close mother/son relationship. He is more mature than his friends and is doing very well juggling school, a job and helping around the house since I work a lot of hours owning and operating a business by myself. God love him. He sometimes brings this up when I ask if he has any plans for the weekend (the day he is off) and he'll say nothing planned. Even though I know his buddies are going to be doing something. They usually call and see what he is up to but the calls even have slowed down and at times no calls at all. The next day at school he hears them talking about their weekend and he feels left out but won't say anything. He just basically sits there eating his lunch and waiting for the bell to ring and then says see ya to them all. I feel so bad for him. Unfortunately he has to work because of me just starting my business he could use the money for his personal things and whatever he needs and school stuff. I don't get child support from their father and my husband works but also pays child support for his kids which is almost half of his check so his checks go to pay bills and get groceries. I wish I could tell him to quit his job so he can hang out with his friends more but he enjoys working and working was his idea. Good Luck, sorry I couldn't say anything to make it easier but I am still trying to figure that answer out for myself.

Answer 4

There may be more going on than meets the eye. No high school senior tell his mother everything no matter how close. I would worry about one that truly did.
Additionally he is only going to tell you about his former friends from his perspective as that is all he has to go on.

Having said that and taking everything at face value which I think is only fair here goes. Your son has moved on. He has set foot into the adult world by working. His friends have not. This makes him different. The last thing an adolescent wants to be is different. Their attempts as "individual expression" are actually ways to fit it with their peers.

He is different and his friends are uncomfortable with this. This is a step in the growing up process. It is NOT UNUSUAL to "have no friends" in high school. He only has a few months to go until he is finished. It is sad that it ends on this note but growing pains are just that, painful.

Very soon he will be full fledged in the adult world that he has a head start on. Be grateful he is not quitting his job to fit in.

Answer 5

The senior year is a time of transition. People, like your son, start to work, take college classes early, and the camaraderie that might have been the hallmark of high school life starts to break down.

Why someone would not hold a place at the lunch table for a buddy though -- no matter if he worked or not -- sounds a little bit too odd to me. Kids would not do that just because your son's social life is a little out of sorts because of his work schedule. Something else is going on. Something that your son is not telling you about. (If anything, when someone's schedule is changed, most friends go out of their way to hold onto something -- like lunch period -- where they can still meet with their friends and talk together.)

It could be that your son is just starting to be self-aware that his old ways of doing things for the last four years is breaking down -- and that he -- and his friends are moving on with life. Still, my gut feeling (being a male who was once his age) is that there's something else going on and he's hiding it from you. He may have to talk this over with his counselor at school.

I don't want to alarm you (being a total stranger to you over the internet) but I can't imagine one of my friends in my senior year doing something like that to me. And I certainly can't imagine a group of them agreeing to do something like that. By the time we turned 17-18 we mostly had given up adolescent ways of acting and started to act as adults and treated each other better.

Keep talking to your son. He is precious, as is his senior year in high school.

Good luck now.

P.S. I have read through some of the other answers. I would strongly encourage you to ask your son about what is really going on -- preface your talk (alone, away from your husband or other children) by saying, "I'm not going to judge you ..." There is definitely something going on there that you are not aware of and he is using "his job" as an excuse. I was lucky in my school years to have a best friend I could talk to about anything. Yet I have to tell you, I did not tell my parents everything that was bothering me, out of embarrassment -- or the feeling at the time that to do any confiding in my parents was childish. Many, many years after the fact, I told my mother about some of these things and she asked me, "Why didn't you tell me [at the time]?" I am sure if I did, some of the rough spots I had in high school would have gone a lot better for me.

Sit your son down and ask him bluntly what is going on, please.

Answer 6

If possible, he should join a group, club, volunteer activity, etc. that would bring him around other students. Certain classes also tend to "buddy up," for example the Newspaper, Band, Choir, etc. When he joins a group, he should find more friends to hang with.

Also, with the old friends, it wouldn't hurt to say, "Can you save me a place tomorrow?" to one of them. If they're not seeing him after school (because he's working), they aren't as familiar with seeing him as they are with the non-working kids.

Answer 7

I remind my daughter that they may think she is too busy for them, suggest that he make some calls to his friends invite them to do things they will know he has some free time and remember how much fun they have together. Friendship is a two way street and you cant wait around for others to get the ball rolling.

Answer 8

if his friends were real friends they would be happy for him that he has a job you just tell your son he is on the right track hes planning early hes friends will never amount to anything if they dont agree with him getting a job and he needs to look for new friends he had to show them that he doesnt care about what they are doing to him because if he shows that it does they will continue to do it they are not true friends if they wont stand by him

Answer 9

Tell him this:
He wont see most of those friends ever again when he gets to college, and in college working, going to school, studying, social and personal lives are so hard to maintain but everyone is in the same boat and to not worry.

He is a step ahead of them and its very okay

Answer 10

maybe you should suggest to him to get some new friends from his workplace. at least they would share that much in common. i know that he wants to hang with his old friends...but thats just kids....maybe if he showed them that he could also live without them...they would come around.