I am getting married summer 2007 and I am horified about the idea of changing my last name. What should I do?

Question

My fiance is dead set on me taking his name when we get marrried but the idea of my name being anything but what it has been my whole life freaks me out. It's my name, my mother named me that for a reason. I'm sure in a way this is normal but I just haven't been able to get over it!! What should I do?

Answer 1

It's normal, I felt the same way; I kept my name throughout my life, it never even occured to me to change it. Both my mother and my grandmother kept their maiden names after marriage; my mom and dad have been married for 30+ years now, it's never been a problem.

Take a step back, and relax. While your fiancé can certainly have his opinion on the matter, he cannot give you an ultimatum regarding what to do with *your* name. When it comes right down to it, it's YOUR choice. My husband (at the time when he was still my fiancé) was shocked initially when it came up in a conversation that I was not considering a name change - we actually had a big argument about it; he was adamant that I change my name, and I simply said no. It was my name, my dad's name, and I cherished it dearly, end of story. He said he wanted the "family name" to be the same; I agreed that it was a good idea, so I offered 1) Him taking my name or 2) Both of us hyphenating our names, and passing it down to the kids (this would make for a *true* family name). He didn't want to do either - which was fine with me, I would hate for all of us to get stuck with an unpronounceable last name. He even went as far as threatening to call off the engagement, and I told him that if he was to call off the engagement over this matter, then I wouldn't want to be married to such a controlling and selfish person anyway. So, he went to his parents for advice. That night, he apologized to me and showed me his dad's and mom's responses to his e-mail; they both basically said - let it go, big deal, so what, get over it, it's a common pracitce nowadays, nothing's wrong with it. (And they, themselves, are fairly traditional and conservative.) He respects his parents' opinion greatly, so the whole issue was laid to rest, never to be resurrected again.

I would advise you to pick your battles here. Sure, most people would say - it's no big deal, you should change your name to make him happy. But it is up to you exactly how far do you want to go to "make him happy". Everyone's boundary of what's sacred and personal is slightly different. I'm a strong believer in compromise when it comes to relationships, but there are a few things that are not up for discussion. There is no rational or practical reason for the name change, the reasons are purely traditional and symbolic; don't let anyone tell you otherwise. People will make a big deal about how terrible it would be if you had a name different from your kids - phleese, BIG WHOOP!! My whole life my mom's name was different from ours, but make no mistake, EVERYONE knew she was our mom! It made no practical difference whatsoever, and there wasn't a single situation where it was even remotely an issue. We certainly didn't feel like she loved us any less. (I actually always thought it was cool that her name was different, it made things more interesting. I couldn't imagine it being any other way.)

I don't know your fiancé, and how succeptable he is to the voice of reason. You could suggest he talk to some level-headed friends of his, seeking an opinion of someone he respects. I'm sure most people would tell him - it's no big deal, back off. If, however, he has selfish or controlling tendencies, he is not likely to yield to rational arguments. It is up to you to decide what is ultimately worth more to you - giving up your name for the sake of marriage to him, or asserting your independence and running a risk of destroying the relationship. Good luck.

Answer 2

I didn't change my name when I got married four years ago for the same reason - I just felt like changing it would make me a different person and cut me off from my family. But I am often addressed my his last name anyway - on Christmas greeting cards, in some social introductions, on random junk mail etc. It happens more often as time goes by and now I am used to it and do not mind. I think I would be okay with changing my last name to his now (though I do not intend to)
Maybe you can agree that you will keep your own name for now, but will change it in five years or after you have children? And there is always hyphenating.

Answer 3

Why are you horrified at changing your name and why is your fiance dead-set on you taking his? Can you hyphenate it? If this is a bone of contention then you should back away from the altar. What's going to happen when you have more meaningful issues to deal with?

Not taking your husband's name is not a rejection of him, his family or marriage. For him to be so set in his ways strikes me as being a little controlling. You should both ask each other why the name issue is so important to you both and see if you can come up with a solution or compromise. Seriously...resolve this before you get married. Your ability to resolve this issue may be a blueprint for your future.

Answer 4

I went through this when I got married.
Would it be possible to hyphenate? That way you get to keep your name AND take his name.
And you could also ask him to adopt the same hyphenated name. For example, If your name is Carson and his is Jones, you could both use the name Carson-Jones.

Or, you could create a new name using part of each of your names. For example : Gunderson + Kline = GunderKline

Sometimes men just don't understand why women want to break from tradition. He doesn't have to understand WHY you want what you want, he only has to understand and accept that it is VERY IMPORTANT to you.

Imagine if the tables were turned and the tradition was that HE take YOUR name. How would he feel? What would he want to do? If you bring it up this way, he might begin to see your side if the issue.

Good luck!

Answer 5

If you really want to, keep your old name. If it means that much to you, then he should not be forcing his name on you. If it means that much to him, then there has to be a compromise. Take both names and use a hyphen. That is what a lot of women do. That said, I would question what kind of husband he would make if he wants to force this on you. It is frivolous and meaningless. As Shakespeare wrote, "A rose by any other name would smell so sweet." Talk to him about it. Tell him how you feel. He should be marrying you for YOU, not just for a decorative spot to store his identity. If that does not change his mind, you both seriously need to get couples' counseling before you get married. If you cannot compromise on this, what will you do if you have to compromise on something important? Good luck!

Answer 6

I did not want to change my name either. My husband did not demand that I change my name or anything but I knew that it meant a lot to him and to his family. I made the decision to do it and now many years later I don't regret it. It is something that I got over pretty quickly and I realize that even though it felt like a major sacrifice at the time that it was the best decision. I don't like the hyphenated double last name thing at all. Now that we have a son it is nice to all have the same family name.

Answer 7

I know what you mean. I wasn't excited about taking my husband's name, (even though I'm crazy about him!) His name is not the greatest, has a few innuendos that I could do without. And well, my last name went PERFECT with my first! It made my name sound even more exotic. No I have a beautiful first name, with a not so attractive last name. But I just deal with it. It makes my husband happy that I took his name. (But I never changed it on my driver's license, so I still have a little something to cling too. He he.)

Answer 8

HORRIFIED? I wouldn't have forced my wife to take my name, but I am glad she did.

There are only a few reasons that I can think of for a woman not to change her name on marrying:

1. Past marriage + children with the same name. Unless they are all going to change their name

2. Established professional life (i.e. degrees, awards, name recognition).

But if you still don't want to, that should be ok. I just don't understand why it "horrifies" you. This unites you as a family. It is tradition. What would you name your kids? Hyphens are a pain in the butt.

Answer 9

you can always do a hyphenated name..just add his last name onto yours. Think about when you guys have kids and they have to go to school..if you have a different last name, it can get confusing...people also don't associate you with being married if its not the same last name..but a lot of people are either keeping their maiden names or hyphenating so its really up to you. Good luck and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

Answer 10

What's in a name? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet. The name-change thing stems from a sign of affection and respect to the spouse. And back in the day, men were held in higher regard so the woman would take his name. I changed my name because I respect my husband and I appreciate the tradition. In the end it's up to you.