Advice needed about my son's choice of fiancee, please see details...?

Question

My son is 26 and has a good job. He has dated this girl for nearly 2 years. They both are quiet people. Two things about her which are difficult for me to like are: 1) She shows no positive emotion when she meets us (his parents), and 2) She seems disinterested in the things my son does, such as home projects, and his hobbies. I'm afraid he may propose to her. He has told me they are ready to go 'to the next step'. My problem is I don't think this is the girl who will bring out the best in my son. Should I say something to him about this?

Answer 1

You can only advise him...in the end, he's an adult who must make his own decisions.

...and learn from his own mistakes. I'm 27 and now facing divorce after a year and a half of miserable marriage. About a week before the wedding my mom tried to advise me. I remember the talk like it was yesterday. She tried to tell me we were too young, she was too immature to get married. But I told her I loved her and I knew I was doing the right thing.

I now know I should have listened to her...but it was better for me to make the mistake and now learn from it, than to not have made the mistake at all.

Answer 2

No, I wouldn't. Now, if she were a floozy sleeping around or she was being mean to your son, that would be different. I am quiet too. Painfully shy sometimes. I love my in laws dearly, but for the first year of my marriage I was terrified to talk to them. I thought they didn't like me, which made me more terrified. What if I said something wrong and made them hate me for life, creating difficulties in my marriage with my husband? As I felt more conifdent as a new bride, I became more open with them and it's not a problem now.
As for number two of your question, I don't think that is a problem either. My husband loves planes, cars, and alot of stuff that I consider to be within the realm of "guy." But I'll still offer to buy a bucket of KFC and have a picnic with him while we watch planes take off. Am I bored stiff by it? Yes. But the time spent with him is invaluable to me and I would do it over and over just for that reason. He doesn't really want a tomboy anyway, he likes that I am bookish, quiet, and love cooking. And he doesn't care about how high maitenance I am when it comes to my looks. He doesn't know, or care to know, about these things but seems to appreciate the end result. In the end, we learn from each other, trust each other, and talk endlessly. We even finish each other's sentences now. Above all, we love each other- and as long as there is love and a commitment to making the relationship work, you can be very happy.

Answer 3

The two problems you mentioned you don't like about her don't really add up to much, in my opinion. There are a lot of marriages beginning these days that have a whole lot more stacked against them than that...however, if your feelings toward their relationship will influence your son at all, then maybe you should talk to him. You know your son; I don't.

I spoke to my brother before he became engaged to a girl he had serious problems with (trust issues, snooping, jealousy, etc) and he sided with her, told her everything I had said, and subsequently set up a huge rift between them and me. We have worked things out since then, and they have asked me to play piano for their wedding this spring...but it was rocky there for awhile, and only our mutual desire to forget and forgive has smoothed things over.

My advice to you is: don't say anything to him unless you are very close to him and he considers your advice valuable. If you know that he really doesn't want your opinion, then don't give it because it will only cause problems. What I would really advise you to do is to reach out to her in some way and maybe her attitude will improve. You are the mother-in-law maybe someday, and (speaking from experience--my mother-in-law is better to me than my own mother) you can either be a wonderful support and encouragement to your son's marriage or else you can drag them down, make them offended with you, uncomfortable around you, and cause them to pull away from you. It really all depends on your son and if he wants advice or not. My guess is, they've been together two years and are thinking of marriage...if you had this opinion, your time to voice it was when they'd been together two weeks....not now. Hope this helps!

Answer 4

Well you know what they say MOTHER KNOWS BEST. I also have a son in his twenty's.I can understand were your coming from. But really we can't tell our children who they should love. In let me ask you what were you hoping when she meet you. Maybe she was nervous meeting you. In if she not interested in your son projects or hobbies, she just may not like them. She might have some of her own that your son don't like. As long as she not trying to take that away from your son, don't worry about it.And if she is your son has to deal with that.What you need to do is ask your son is he happy.Do you think this is a good match for you. Find out things like that. Because if you put her down to him you might cause a agreement, in not only that he might go tell her. In that's not going to be good that's going to cause tension between you all. As a mother your concerns should be does she hold a job is she clean, is she a drinker or on drugs, will she be a good mother to my grand children. Don't be concern about the small things, like hobbies. But she should be somewhat interested in his projects. But you never know she could take interested in time. If your going to say something, be sure it's positive. Ask him what that next step is, ask if hes happy. In go buy them ten stupid things couples do to mess up their lives (for support) by Dr. Laura C. Schlessinger.

Answer 5

Absolutely NOT. He is an adult and by u meddling or "advising" u will definitely cause a rift between ur existing relationship with the young woman and ur son and urself. If u raised a smart young man then u shouldn't worry about who he chooses to take the "next step" with. U admitted she is a quiet woman and if ur sons been with her for 2 yrs. he must see something in her u don't. Did u marry who ur parents wanted u to marry? I'm sure u married out of love not arrangements. We don't live in the past and r free to make our own mistakes not matter how serious they may be. Keep ur nose clean and stay out of ur adult son's business for all ur sakes.

Answer 6

I think it would be a mistake to come out and tell your son you don't think this is the right girl for him. It would just create bad feelings between you, if he were to go ahead and marry her. She could be the mother of your grandchildren, and if you want to be in their lives, you need to stay on her good side. As far as her not showing "positive emotion" when she sees you, unfortunately for you, that's not all that important. What's important is how she reacts to your son. Where his hobbies are concerned, it's nice if they can share hobbies, but not necessary. I love to paint, my husband has no interest in painting. He encourages me to take painting classes, but would never think of taking one himself. That does not bother me in the least. Your son is an adult, and you have to trust that you've raised him to be a good judge of character. He probably sees things in this girl that you never will. The next time he mentions that he and his girlfriend are ready for the next step, just ask him if he's happy. Just remember to ask it in a non-confrontational tone. If he says yes, keep your mouth shut, and be happy for him. Good luck!

Answer 7

If you can ask him in a nice way, then yes I think it's something you should talk about. My husband is the quiet type, and my family didn't think much of him for a long time, but none of them went out of their way to get to know him either. So perhaps you should ask her out to lunch or something, to get to know her better. She might open up to you a little. Once my family got to know my husband, they really began to like him as much as I do. It's hard for some people to be themselves because they are afraid you might not like them. As for not having much in common with your son, they must like some of the same stuff, or they wouldn't have lasted two years.

Answer 8

ok, momy dearest, this is none of your business. My mother does not like my husband. She tried to talk me out of marrying him.....ON MY WEDDING DAY! As well as countless other times. Her fears are unfounded and will always be. By the way, I no longer speak to my mother because she put down my husband so bad and ruined my wedding. If you want a relationship with your son keep your mouth shut. Sorry to be so harsh but 'm speaking from experience.

Answer 9

If he loves her and has chosen her to spend the rest of his live with, this is something that you need to accept. Her behavior may be due to her feeling like you don't like her. As for his hobbies, those are his hobbies. As long as she is not being negative about them, don't expect her to be interested in those things just because he is. You shouldn't say anything to your son about this because it may cause him to resent you. Your complaints about her are not about things that are all too serious.

Answer 10

it will fall on deaf ears... He loves her, for reasons you aren't aware of, and if you say anything then YOU become the bad guy, and he will choose her over you. As stupid as that is, it is the way it typically works.

Do your best to be the best damned person you can be when she's around. She could be painfully shy and afraid to do something wrong in front of you, so she remains quiet. Her seemingly dis-interest of your sons hobbies could also be out of fear.

Support your son, and in time, if she is not for him, he will see that. Even if it leads to marriage...