Please help me! I am in desperate need of intelligent advice?

Question

I live with my fiance, Rex. I am 23 and he is 26. He works full time and is in graduate school. I work part time and go to grad school as well. His brother, Tom who is 24, moved in with us becasue he got a job in our town. He lived 30 mins away prior to this arrangement. Tom is driving me effing crazy! He never does his dishes, the bathroom is gross after he uses it (sometimes he does not shower for three days!) He leaves candy wrappers and crumbs. The other day he even left the front door unlocked. Now, I have compained to my fiancee, Rex, and he has talked with Tom, but nothing much has changed. On top of it, Rex and Tom's parents told Rex that he and I woudl have to put up woth it. So on top of all that crap, Rex's parents will treat him like he is the ****** if we kick him out. What would you do?

Answer 1

You are, unfortunately, the victim of an individual suffering from the "Though I'm Living Here I'm Still a Guest Syndrome", and it can truly be frustrating; I know from very personal experience! :-)
I know exactly what you are going through: You want to say something to set down some rules for your new roomie, but can't for fear of causing a rift in your fiance's family because you're the "outsider" despite being engaged to the guy's brother. I wonder if he even pays you rent! Everyone has to contribute, and if he is living there, he is more than a guest.
To be perfectly honest, you will most likely have to learn just which side of the fence your fiance truly is before everything plays out. You need to stand your ground, and tell him that, though you are just thrilled to death your sweet soon-to-be brother-in-law is staying under the same roof, HE has to put his foot down, as well, and help you DIPLOMATICALLY set some NOT TO BE IGNORED ANY MORE living rules for his brother.
I learned a long time ago that it isn't necessarily what is said that sets people off, it is how it is said to them. If the two of you approach this situation with a little tact by having a little sitdown with Tom and telling him how much you enjoy having him around, you can then explain how you would appreciate him helping you out by pulling a little weight around the place by picking up after himself, and things might get a little better. (Concerning the shower thing, you might, as a woman, consider acting like YOU ARE GAGGING FOR FRESH AIR AND MIGHT FAINT OR DIE around him once! :-) Perhaps his concern for your well being as a lovely though more-delicate-than him female will make him search for the soap!) But I digress....
I know you have spoken to him before, but doing it again should actually make things even easier because even a lunkhead should realize you're serious if you speak up for a second time. Use that fact to your advantage, but MAKE THE MEETING A LITTLE MORE FORMAL THIS TIME!
If you are tactful yet at the same time make him feel that he is visiting the very kind, friendly PRINCIPAL'S OFFICE, perhaps this time you can get your point across without undue hurt feelings, or articles of your living room being used as weapons! Good luck! I'm curious how it turns out! :-)

Answer 2

If you don't get rid of Tom you'll eventually leave Rex,
since you may be leaving anyway give Rex the choice, either Tom stays or You stay.
Tom has nothing to loose but Rex does.
Tom get one extra hour a day and a maid.
You do not have to put up with it, period.
Tom is a freeloader taking advantage of you and Rex, can't see that he's causing problems between you two.,and his parents are trying to dump him on you both. I can't see where Tom is an advantage at all. They may treat Rex like an ****** but he will be much happier and so will you. Be strait to the point that Tom has to be gone by the weekend or sooner.

Answer 3

Set a schedule for who does what and when. Attach a dollar cost to the task. If you don't do it on your day, then you owe whoever does it instead of you the dollar amount stated on the schedule. That way your time is not wasted, but paid. May be a good way to make a few extra dollars. Of course, there ought to be a sliding scale so that if this guy Tom doesn't do anything the cost will be inrementally higher nad higher.

Think about this. The guy has a full-time job. You don't. The guy probably makes enough to move out on his own. Make his staying and not doing his share painful, and he will eventually move out on his own.

When you cook dinner, cook for two. Not three. There is no need for you to do this guy any favors. Lock up your pots and pans, and that way he has to ask for you to let him use them. If he doesn't wash the utensils, pile them up in his bed. He'll get the idea. He needs to learn that if stuff is not his he needs to respect it. No need for you to suffer the ignominy of dealing with his crap. When you go out to dinner, if he wants to come, he has to drive on his own, and ask for split checks before he can order. He should get the idea that his interloping ways are not appreciated. In truth, your fiancee's parents have no say in what happens within the walls of your own home. If they want to impose rules, they better start paying your rent. You know that and your fiancee ought to be wise about that as well.

Answer 4

Who is paying the rent? Do Rex's parents own the house? If so, then you'll have to put up w/ it. If you and your fiance are self supporting, then kick out his brother. Give him 30 days to find another place and boot him out. If Rex gets any support from his parents, expect to be putting up w/ Tom for a while.

Answer 5

There is absolutely no question that you should stand up for what is right in your home, and that means kicking the slob out. Give him one day, and say good bye. If he doesn't go then you should. It is that important.

This may cause problems with the family, maybe even your fiance. Too bad. You can not run your life based on the approval of any third party. Period. You need to protect the peace and security of your home. Nothing can interfere with that, and if you allow this disruption you are in for a tough time. If you allow your future in-laws to govern your home you are in for a miserable marriage.

Your home is precious to you and your mate. Don't let anything disrupt that. There will be plenty of challenges in the future without this added stress.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Have a meeting. Make a schedlue.... if it is not followed then he will get 30 days notice to move out. Post his chores on the fridge like you would do for an 8 year old. If noone makes him responsible for his actions, they are doing him no favors. Neither you are Rex should feel obligate to parent a 24 year old. The parents don't seem to want him.

Answer 7

Sounds like you and your fiance' should do a little soul searching and decide whether or not your relationship can w/stand butting heads w/ the soon-to-be inlaws. WhileTom recks your place can you go somewhere else? OR...Why can't TOM go live w/ them? Do they live somewhere else? Do they PAY for you to live there? Unless they do...Why the (*%# do you care how the parents will treat you? Listen...If I were you, I'd start thinking of your future...I mean w/ Tom and his parents being your in-laws one day. Hmmmm! Just think of the manipulation factor once you have kids. Will the parents be treating you like an "******" when they want the babies for the summer? Just food for thought!

Answer 8

First off, Breathe! Secondly, you said he is your fiance`, you are not bound to live in the same household. You can find a place of your own. When you two get married, then his focus will be on your feelings, not that of his parents or his brother. If this is how your HEAD of HOUSEHOLD allows things to be run now, what do you think it will be like after marriage? Pray Hard on this one. Your Fiance` can't properly be your covering, he has no spiritual authority over you, he has made no covenant to protect you. So, Who's covering are you under?

I know it sounds wierd as the answer to your question, but think about it. Your future brother in law has more power and authority in your home than you or your fiance', that is just not right. Get your home in ORDER, and everything else will fall into place.

Answer 9

Well, this is a bit mean but it might work. At least you'll get a tad bit of revenge. I'd pick up all his candy wrappers, dirty dishes, cloths, wet towels - whatever he leaves lying around and put it in his bed, under the sheets, not on top.

I had a slob for a roomate once and I just tossed everything in her room right inside the doorway (including her dirty dishes). She got the hint. Her room remained a mess but the rest of the apt. was much better after that.

Answer 10

Family issues like this can wreck relationships for years to come.
Why not set down some boundaries as to what's expected of each of you (get an uninvolved person to mediate if necessary), and then the 3 of you pitch in to have someone come and do the major cleaning. Once a week, it will probably be reasonable, depending on your geographical area and the size of your house. I can get a decent cleaning for about $40. weekly and my house is 2000 sf. I can't stress enough that this is not worth hurting each other over; later on you'll be glad if you work together now.
Best of Luck!