Is this controlling behaviour in your eyes??

Question

My partner is controlling. He doesnt see it that way. He does not allow me male friends. He will not allow a man to give me a ride home from work without serious trouble. If i mention a man at work and he asks about him, I have to lie and say he is elderly or unattractive and married. I am not to go out at the weekends without him to bars/pubs so on, even though he has sometimes with his friends. I hate this, but he will not change and denies there is a problem. I cannot tell him anything at all for he tends to turn it around on me, eg, man at work sexually harrasing me and another nurse, told him and he wanted to know what I did to cause it or lead him on. Anybody else have this crap??

Answer 1

Um.. yeah.. so where did you meet him again? Hillbilly Outlet down on Dumbshit Lane?
Why are you still with him? I really feel no sympathy for you if you continue with that relationship, because it's so obvious you shouldn't have even had to ask.
I'm surprised he let you on the computer long enough to type the question.

Answer 2

Yup its controlling. I don't think that control issues are the end of the world though...people really can work through them!

What I think is really concerning more so, is the fact that you say you can't tell him anything & you are lying to him to protect yourself.

The two most important things in a realtionship are communication & trust. I'm not going to tell you what you have or don't have in your relationship based on a paragraph of info BUT for your own good you should take a hard look at where you're at.

If he won't listen & he doesn't trust you...you lie so you avoid confrontation...its a crazy vicious circle.

Be true to yourself, if he can't handle the truth & won't support you for really important issues you have to ask yourself what you're doing with him.

Good Luck.

Answer 3

Does he have reason to distrust you? When you say he does not allow you to have male friends, does that mean you are not allowed to speak to another man or he does want you hanging out with single men? I don't understand your term "allow". As an adult I am allowed to whatever I please within the limits of the law. However, I do not have any male friends that are not also friends of my husband. And I would not go out to bars with another man and leave my husband at home. Are you doing things that are making him insecure or jealous? Do you have a history of cheating, on him or in a previous relationship? I think you need to sit down with him and discuss this honestly. Try putting yourself in his shoes, would you like it if he was going out with other women? Good luck.

Answer 4

I definitely see controlling behavior going on here. He sounds insecure and jealous. There has to be trust in a relationship, or it isn't going to work. I hate to say it, but the guilty party usually is accusing the innocent one. It sounds as if he is tearing down your self-esteem. I would ask him to go to counseling with you. If he refuses, then you will have decide if you want to live like that or not. As long as he has the upper hand in controlling you, it won't get better, only worse. It's hard to live walking on eggshells because of someone else's fears or insecurites.

Answer 5

yes it is considered controlling behaviour. it's a good thing that you imply that you do have a job...keep it. start saving money (where he can't see it). give it to a family or friend that you trust. once you have enough money saved...get a place of your own. you need to find a way to leave him to where he cannot make you stop. for example...you take a day off from work but don't let him know about it. you leave the house like you normally do every day going to work. and as soon as he is gone...you come back (with your friends or family) and pack your bags and leave. if you share a cell phone plan..get your own cell phone. if you have your own cell phone on your own plan..change your number. either way...find a way to get yourself out before things turn nasty and physical (if they haven't already)

Answer 6

NO I wouldn't stand for it and why do you. He sounds like an asshole and you should get away. Did your father die and pit him in charge of your life. we have this thing now that's call women's lib, Honey you should enforce it. If you want male friends go for it, what the hell- go out to the pubs with them. As long as he has no reason at all to distrust you then he is in the wrong not you. Move on and up in the evolution scale, no more cavemen for you

Answer 7

maybe he's afraid you will cheat on him if you ride home with another man he sound's jeolous and now aday's lot of married people is cheating on thier spouses so you can't blame him what if he rode with a women from work if he works sometimes you don't have to do anything for a man at work to make sexal advances unless your flirting and lead him on i had a landlord do me that way years ago when i was younger and raising my kids

Answer 8

Lots of people encounter these issues. You two need to compromise. You should understand he has some valid concerns. You should accomodate him as much as you can.

He needs to understand he is being too controlling, and ridiculous. You need to be trusted, and should be able to have associate or business friends that are men.

Just remember, most affairs occur because of too much opportunity, not a lack of love or willpower.

Answer 9

I've experienced it before. I've seen it happen many times. For whatever reason, the male gene tends to bark up that alley.


My boyfriend tried it and I straight up told him "This is me, I have male friends, I will not lose male friends because of you, I am not changing FOR you, take me or leave me." He's still around and I'm still me WITH my male friends.

It's up to you. If you don't want to put up with it, you don't have to. There are men out there that don't act that way.

Answer 10

Sounds like you two are not a good match. Yes, his behavior is controlling n certain respects. However, you sound as if you really want freedom to socialize with men without your partner.