Should you do this when you’re married?

Question

When you’re arguing a lot, should you take like a weekend off or something and be apart just to cool down? I think it causes even more distance but some others think that’s the best thing to do. Have others done this? Does it help or hurt the marriage? It doesn’t feel right to me but I want to give my wife space and I need some to right now because I feel like divorcing her. This is our first year and it hasn’t been easy to say the least.

Answer 1

I was in a really ugly marriage several years back. My husband threatened to leave me EVERYDAY. I finally let him go.

We said it was a "trial" seperation, but I was so much happier - that we NEVER got back together.

We were married and living together for 20 months - seperated for almost 8 more months... before the divorce was finalized!

Now, I am HAPPILY married to a man that I rarely argue with, and enjoy spending my time with.

The first year of marriage is hard... but add in a couple of children, pets, and other stressful stuff... it could be worse! I hope you both get to work out your issues, or move on!

I hope you find happiness

Answer 2

We don't do that and we are fine. But it depends on what the fight is about. If someone cheated, I would recommend a "for life" break. If you just fight about normal, everyday things than no.
Also, why did you get married just to divorce at the drop of a hat?
The first years are often the most difficult, I think, in that you are still learning how to live with the other person. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, and we do fight sometimes. But we learn from those fights. We fight alot less now that we have learned the things that set each other off, and also how to "fight" in a way that isn't hurtful. We know what to expect now. Throwing words around like hate and divorce hurt a marriage much more than a weekend separation. Marriage is not easy, and you should expect fights because they will happen, sometimes more often than other times. Marriage was not meant to be easy, that is only in fairy tales.
What helps me is -above all- loving my husband very much. We both promised each other that this was a lifetime commitment(adultery excluded of course). I have learned that though I need to talk about things, he needs the space. So we both cool down for a few hours. I take our daughter to the park and he will usually chill out at home, or go take care of an errand. During the time we are apart, it usually turns out to be that whatever we were mad about wasn't that big of a deal anyway. And once he cools down, we can talk about it, if we need to.

Answer 3

I've been married for 25 years, and we've never taken time apart to 'cool down', it's the worst thing you can do!! You allow the anger to simmer and fester instead of staying and working it out, talking it over. The first step is to agree that there will be no arguing and no personal attacks, then confront the issue head on. Instead of arguing, listen to each other, the first year is really hard, two different people making a new life together, trying to co-exist. Don't let anyone fool you, two don't become one, you stay two, doing your very best to live together as a couple, but staying true to yourselves, after all, you fell in love with the individual.
The key is to remember, no matter how tough things are, and there will be tough times, nothing is bigger, nothing is more important than each other. Hold on to the feeling you had when you asked her to marry you and she said yes, keep that in your heart, and don't let the heat of the moment make you do or say something you'll regret. Don't let discussions turn into arguments, take a breath and count to ten when your spouse says something that pushes your buttons, and never, ever let anger, or an argument grow so big that it overtakes what really matters, each other.
My advice, when you go home, give her a hug, tell her you love her, and then talk, really talk, don't argue, talk, nothing short of abuse or cheating can't be solved by two people who love each other, who want to stay married, and who put their faith and trust in their ability to get through anything, as long as they do it together.
Good luck.

Answer 4

You are in the classic power struggle of the new marriage.
Taking time out is probably not a good idea.
If you do not stay there and figure out how to deal with your conflicts your marriage is doomed.
Space is not a good idea and asking for it usually indicates the desire to get out.

You need to get to the root cause of your arguments. If they are structural problems there is not much to be done . If they are a way of blowing off steam or a reflection of job stress or other factors they can be fixed. Part of being married long term is figuring out how to deal with the inevitable disagreements. In general younger people have not learned how to work out problems or how to agree to disagree. Arguments escalate over silly issues of no real consequence. That is a symptom of a control struggle.
You really need to sit down and come to the one agreement that you love each other and want to make it work. Then come to the agreement that arguing is destructive and that you will try to stay civil and work things out. These are difficult lessons but have to be learned. Many old married couples say don't go to bed angry. It is a way of saying to stop the arguing and solve the problems.
Problem solving is learned behavior. You have to learn to look at solutions and agree on a plan.

30+ years together

Answer 5

I don't think so. When you get back the problem will still be there and sill unresolved. You need counseling. Take a look at what you are arguing about, when do you argue, and do you argue with other about the same thing? The first year is never easy. And the years after it is either. Your marriage is an investment. You only get out of it what you you put in it. Look at it this way. If you open a bank account with 25.00 and never put any other money in it, when you go back in one year you may have 27.00. (hint)(hint)But it is really something that a professional will be better to help you with.

Answer 6

I wouldn't take a weekend off but maybe a day if you both need some space to cool down. The first 5 years of marriage is the hardest. You are both learning new things about each other along with everyday pressures. Try and take time out not a long time 6 or 7 hours maybe then camly sit down and talk to each other. If you both want this marriage to work communicate and trust in each other. Every body faces different trials in their marriage no one does it easy it takes a lot of work. I wish you both luck and hope all works out for you.

Answer 7

I would say that you both would benefit from counselling, so you can learn the best way to discuss issues, rather than letting them escalate to an argument or fight. Perhaps try that before giving space. Time away from each other when things are good is one thing, but time away because you're angry, is another.
Also, keep in mind, the first year is considered one of the toughest in a marriage, as you are both learning to live in a whole new environment.

Answer 8

Wow, it's your first year and you need space already. Actually, that is understandable. The first year of marriage can be very difficult as you try to merge two separate and different lives. If you choose to take a time out, use it wisely. Use the time to examine yourself. How are you contributing to the arguing. What can you do to make things better? Are you working as a team? Etc. Use the time to be proactive otherwise, you are simply running away from your problems and you will just return to the same situation: more arguing.

Answer 9

The two of you need to sit down and communicate. Talk to her and see if she feels that this will help? The thing is you need to get to the root of the problem. Why are you constantly arguing? Have you done something to make her unhappy? Has she done anything to make you unhappy? Or maybe she is like most women and just nags? If that is so it may take her a while to realize that nagging makes things worse. Ever heard the saying it is better to sleep on the roof than in a house with a nagging woman? It took me a while to realize that I didnt need to fuss at my husband about every little thing that bothered me. I have been married 10 years and communication is most important weapon you have. Hope this helps.

Answer 10

I don't think its a good idea personally, but its your decision. If you feel you need space, then take it... but I think your right.. it will add a distance between you and just make the gap bigger and bigger. I'd stay and work things out. Maybe try marriage counciling. Most arguements (especially at the beginning of a marriage) are due to a lack of communication.. maybe you guys just need some help to talk things through. Good luck!!