Please help me, I am in deperate need of intelligent advice?

Question

I live with my fiance, Rex. I am 23 and he is 26. He works full time and is in graduate school. I work part time and go to grad school as well. His brother, Tom who is 24, moved in with us becasue he got a job in our town. He lived 30 mins away prior to this arrangement. Tom is driving me effing crazy! He never does his dishes, the bathroom is gross after he uses it (sometimes he does not shower for three days!) He leaves candy wrappers and crumbs. The other day he even left the front door unlocked. Now, I have compained to my fiancee, Rex, and he has talked with Tom, but nothing much has changed. On top of it, Rex and Tom's parents told Rex that he and I woudl have to put up woth it. So on top of all that crap, Rex's parents will treat him like he is the ****** if we kick him out. What would you do?

Answer 1

All our choices come with consequences. Make Tom's consequences become more apperent. Start cleaning and "accedently" throwing some of his things out. Try to make Murphy's Law a law of physics in the place. Make it little things at first, like deoderant. "Oh, that deoderant was still good? I couldn't tell, you leave so many things that have gone bad laying arround and I swear the exparation date was like last March or something. Oh, you don't want to be stinky for your date? Hmm... I guess you'll have to make a run to the store for more deoderant then, eh?" Slowly, they'll get worse. "Oh, those were your cloths? Hmm, you'll have to go through Rex's drawers, I just figured everything left out here must be his since it's our place. Oh, you mean the remote control car I threw away was still working? Well it's so hard to tell the way you just leave trash laying arround all the time. Your Nintendo Wii is missing? I sure hope no one broke in and stole it the other day when you left the front door unlocked. I had a friend that stopped by, she asked something about borrowing a game, I'll ask her if that's what she meant and get it back if she did. You know, you really should be more careful about those things." Make sure that whatever happens, it's obviously his fault and you're just doing your job. In the mean time, whenever something does go wrong for him, use it as an opertunity to nag him for not doing what he should be doing (cleaning, etc.)

Answer 2

Since Tom has a job, tell him that due to his uncleanliness and unwillingness to participate in househole chores that you feel he should be responsible for paying the maid to come in once-twice a week and clean. He could either do that or pay you and Rex some rent. Family or not, Tom is not your responsibility and should be pulling his own weight. Also, you said that Rex has spoken to him, chances are because they are brothers they already know what to expect from one another. You should be the one to sit down and talk to Tom about the issues at hand. Tom may actually have more respect for you. As far as the showering goes, well his personal hygeine is his own, spray some air freshner around him, he'll get the picture. Honesty is the best policy and you should tell Tom exactly what it is that you feel. Do not let him come in between your relationship with Rex. Do not let Rex's parents decided what is right for what goes on in your home. If they will think of him as an ****** for asking him to move out, they will get over it. You wouldn't be kicking him to the curb, help him find an apartment somewhere close by. Hope this helps. I had a brother-in-law just like that. Sometimes, we do what we must.

Answer 3

I think Rex really needs to ask Tom to leave. If things keep going as they are you will eventually get fed up, and have a big argument with either Tom or Rex, so it's best to avoid that. The parents will get over it in time. He's their son and they love him. They will forgive him. I've been in a situation like this with my brother and I didn't say anything for a long time. Then we had a huge argument, and I don't talk to my brother still. I wish I had nipped it earlier on. Good luck.

Answer 4

This is YOUR home now. Rex should back you up. Tom needs to treat you and your home with respect or he should move. Simple as that. The parents have no say in this matter. You are all adults. Face it, a 30 minute drive is not that much. If he cannot respect your wishes, he can move back home with Mom & Dad and trash thier house.

Answer 5

Listen this is a complicated situation, but I'll break it down. First of all you need to look at you future in laws and decide if you want them running your life. Rex sounds like a wimp, as his parents tell him what to do. Rex needs to grow a pair and tell his parents to but out. Ok and next, you need to stand up and tell Rex that Tom has to go. Rex shouldn't be inconveniencing you like this anyway and Tom needs to grow up and get out. You didnt take Tom to raise so he should go. You need to take a hard look at your relationship to Rex as he is bringing some parental concerns and family concerns to the table and these people will never go away.

Answer 6

Well I don't believe when you marry a man you also marry his family. The Bible says your first priority (after God) is to one another NOT parents. This is "YOUR" life and you have to live it the way that makes you happy. "TELL" Tom to grow up or get out. Everyone works/educates, and no one has time to pick up after him. If he wants a maid/cook/babysitter "GO BACK HOME TO MOMMY". And tell your soon to be in-laws there treatment of partiality of on son over the other is not right. Rex is trying to make something of his life for the two of you. If they insist YOU must tend to Toms needs they need to pay you for his room and Bord. Also assign everyone chores, MAKE Tom understand he has to abide by these rules if he wants to reside in your home. Get a security deposit, (no joke) also charge him rent if you are not. Good Luck
If it were me, he'd be out the door. I would however help him find another place to live.

Answer 7

Well, you've got a situation there...you could talk to Tom and make some boudaries, you not going to do things for him if he doesn't keep it clean for you, I don't know, be smart about the whole thing, I hope it doesn't affect your relationship with Rex. Tell him he needs to move out if he keeps going the same way.
Also try not to stress out too much yourself, so you wouldn't get emotionaly and physicaly sick, take care.

Answer 8

First of all, I would go directly to the soon to be brother in law, and tell him how you feel. Complaining to your fiancee is only going to create a hardship between the two of you. Don't worry about the parents yet. Explain in careful detail that if he wishes to remain there, than he need to take on some of the responibilty, and help out. If not, then tell him he will be evicted! Tell him you are not maid, to anyone but yourself, and sometime to your guy.Good Luck!

Answer 9

Been there and it drove me crazy. Guess what ? Small stuff! Now when I look back there are so many more important things in life to get nuts over. I know it is nerve racking but it just isn't worth the negative outcome that your complaining well cause. Your poor fiance is stuck in the middle and you don't want him to dread coming home do you? Think of this as a life lesson and when you can get him out of your home NEVER let anyone move in again.... try getting a cleaning woman and split the cost with the slob. Good luck.

Answer 10

you do what 2 adults have to do. Give old Tom the ultimatum, if he doesn't mend his ways he'll have to look for a new place. Dont' let Mom & Dad bully you about, they're covering their own butts and making sure they don't end up w/ their messy son. Tom is no baby - he's 24, sit him down and have the talk - and be specific.