my guy is with me after the other girl dumped him.i can't help but feel 2nd best. HELP! advice please!!?

Question

me and this guy dated for 2 yrs.it was problematic in the beginning but talking helped.we still argued sometimes,but rarely.we'd met eachother's parents/friends and were serious.then he mentioned marriage but i wasn't ready.i got a bit scared and dumped him over the phone/refused to see him for 5 months.our mutual friends told me that he was heartbroken.i didn't date anyone during this time bc my heart was set on him.we tried to make it work again,but i have a habit of dumping him everytime he psses me off.one day i dumped him and this time he refused to get back together.we both dated other people,and he started a relationship with a new girl.i realized what i'd lost and tried to get him back but he was intent on this new relationship.he continued to call/see me though,and would tell me that he still had feelings for me but wanted to make it work with that new girl.it confused/hurt me.then she dumped him and he came back to me.we never fight anymore and he's sweeter than ever. ADVICE?

Answer 1

Vachel,

Reading about your past relationship, I'm struck by the fact that this guy stuck it out with you for two years, despite the fact you'd get mad at him and keep dumping him -- or that you got scared when you discussed marriage and didn't talk to him for five months.

That's a *lot* of pain for a guy's ego to take, and I think you are fortunate that this guy still cares about you despite the pain you put him through.

(I know you were scared about the potential commitment of marriage; and probably there were some good reasons to be angry with him at times throughout your relationship; but your responses were ones that normally would *destroy* someone's feelings for you. They don't seem like they were the best options available to you.)

I admire your bf because he pursued you for quite a long time and finally, although he still cared about you, knew things weren't going to work and committed to making his new relationship work. That sort of commitment shows a guy that is SERIOUS about his relationships; that's a good thing. You should consider it fortunate that his new relationship did not work out and you now have another chance at things.

What do I think? I think you need to consider the ways in which you could destroy this relationship, if you react coldly or meanly when you get upset. If you continue to act as you did in the past, you could easily lose him again... this time for good.

You need to decide if you want him; and if you DO want him, you need to consider his feelings more deeply, and not emotionally jerk him around with the "off again, on again" thing.

In your question you mention how you feel "second best" now -- well, you weren't. Based on what you've said, you were his first choice through and through, but you basically drove him away despite his best efforts. I think you need to stop focusing on your own feelings and think about his for a bit.

He seems very bent on making you happy and not making waves (i.e., being nice); but in the long run, you need a guy who is nice but will not be afraid to make waves when necessary and do what he thinks is right. (That's a strong man you can depend on.)

The emotional roller coaster you've put him through in the past could have weakened his resolve to do the right thing, instead of just avoiding pain and conflict.

If you care about him, I would not respond angrily in situations as you have in the past; you need to start thinking long-term about what will make this relationship better. If you can think through a situation a little (or get advice) before acting, that would help. And if you can put yourself in his shoes before reacting, imagining how he feels about you and what happened, that would help too.

I know that's just general advice, but that's all I can give here based on what you've shared. More focus on giving to this guy, instead of demanding so much from him, would help the relationship endure; and it would also make him more of the man you'd want to stick with long-term.

Take care and good luck!

Answer 2

It sounds like you both have a very deep history..and even during the times you were apart, you still cared about eachother. And i know that it can be hard sometimes...all couples fight, but the important thing to remember is that you both love eachother..even after everythin thats happen... you´ve already gone through so much together...and I think that what you guys have is something very special...so if you think thats worth holding on to, then dont let it go. I sincerely hope that everything works out for the both of you. :)

Answer 3

i think of he's gotten himself in touch in a large style of issues on the 2d, greater advantageous than he did once you first met. Now you experience such as you have taken "back seat" to all his involvements. i will delight in the form you experience, nor could i believe happy concerning the activity of the only particular woman in his type. i could purely point out you omit the guy you met interior the 1st place, & you have the sensation issues have chged. Regardless if he consents or no longer, those are YOUR thoughts. I doubt he's even blind to all of it!!of direction you do, considering the fact which you're no longer an element of it. attempt to convey it to his interest & see how he feels or are conscious of it. Then see if issues substitute. solid success to you!!!

Answer 4

Your love is winning! Follow it! that's the most universal law - the law of Love. 'Hurt' or 'dumped' - these are just categories of mind work. When you are together, it's a 'school of love and life' for you2 and it will show you new beautiful horizons!

Answer 5

Both of you need to move on.