How would you take it?

Question

if your husband told you that "he never realized how much you have in common with his first love" who he's never gotten over. He started telling me all the simularities, but then he said that I've got her beat by compairing things that I do that he never did with her. Not that he didn't want to do those things with her, the opportunity just never arose. He married his first wife on the rebound from her. Even after he was married he always kept a picture of Pat (his first love) until his house burned to the ground. He told me last night that he wished that he still had that picture so that he could show me how much alike Pat and I are. We've only been married 8 months. It's been 26 years since Pat. "But they NEVER had a fight." The only reason that they broke up, according to him, is because her sister talked her into it, so that they could go looking for guys together. When she left him, he almost died from extreme rapid weight loss.
Do I need to except that I'm second best?

He's 6'4", she's 5'4", and I'm 4'11". I don't know particulars on her. She had shoulder blade length blonde hair. I have hip length light brown/blonde hair and am about 36"25"35", so I'm not fat, but I am short. I don't know if this has any bearing on anything.

Answer 1

Let him talk Pat out of his heart and talk you in.

Some people love very, very deep and never fully recover from a loss. Let him love you the best he can. He can't help his heart.
In time, a few years, he will let pat fad, that's why he's favorably comparing you to her. He's talking you into his heart deeper than he was with her.

Don't hesitate to say, I would never let anyone talk me into breaking with you for some boy fun. Let him know that Pat was no angel like he held her to be. Put a few digs into his angelic view of her. I mean she dropped him like a lead balloon. What's so great about that?

There is the very real aspect that you can't fight with a ghost. Pat is a ghostly lover, the ghostly lover has attributes far beyond the mere mortal lover. So this is a challenge. The person who takes the ghostly lover, is deeply scarred and wounded. They don't realize what has happened to them. So be sure to punch holes in the dreamy aspect to Pat. Wasn't she an immature ***** to leave him? Don't let him get you to believing the all wonderful Pat crap... She's a skanking whoremongering bit** and you need to help him get to his anger about her, then he will start to feel differently toward her.

The only way I got over my ghostly lover was to call him and propose friendship...many, many years later. He of course would have nothing to do with me. He wouldn't give me the time of day. Only then did I begin to realize I'd been loving an illusion.
The man was a jerk who left me for my best girlfriend. I was so hurt I made the ghost to love and love me back. It's a self defensive mechanism.

Help your man through this, and you will be loved like Pat was.
It is a gentle soul that loves so deep.

Take care of YOU.

Answer 2

There is some things that shouldn't be spoken of, yes everyone has had a first love, but to be talking about it all the time sounds obsessive if you ask me. I wouldn't want to be compared to an ex love either. When you are with someone else, i feel it is time to let go of pic's etc.. and live in the new, not constantly bring up old loves, it dosen't sound to healthy to stay in the past. Everyone has a past and it is good to remember your past, just keep it to your self an not bring it in the new relationship. I am not saying no one should talk about it, just not keep on it, lol i know what i mean hope you do. If it bothers you talk to him about it. Good luck

Answer 3

No, you should not feel that way. I am sure you two are alike.

My cousin was married to a man. We all liked him, and he was nice guy, fun to be around, etc. He was in a car accident, and suffered severe head trauma. It changed him, as head trauma tends to do. They ended up divorced not long after.

She is now remarried to another man. If you were to look at her current husband, and the way her first husband was before the accident, they are very much alike. Same personality, interests, etc.

Your husband is attracted to a certain kind of person. So, you two being similar just means he is consistent. Also, no matter how "Un-emotional" guys are, you remember the first love. I think everyone does.

Answer 4

That is a difficult one... But you know you have to give your husband credit for telling you the truth. You have to be that soft place for him to land-he is not perfect and neither are you-with time he will be able to forget her and so must you. he married you not her-take it as one of those things in life-sometimes we never really forget things like-our first love, first date, first sex experience.

You can however ask him to not compare you with her again or that you would rather that he not talk about her again-or you can just listen and acknowledge whatever he says about her but don't give him any feedback neither get angry over it. It will give him more opportunity to trust you with his heart and what he is feeling or thinking if you choose to go with that option.

Answer 5

I don't know if this will make sence or not.
You never get over your first love.
You by NO MEANS are second best to your husband.
Us men sometimes say stuff that women sometimes take in the wrong mannor. Even though we are trying to show our affection to the one we love.
You should just ask him to stop bringing her up and tell him how it makes you feel.

Answer 6

I had a similiar situation arise from the man I was recently engaged to. I called off the wedding and left him to deal with his own past.
I realize you are married already, so you must stay committed to seeing your husband through this. It is not uncommon for men to hang onto to their past, however, you must make a stand for yourself and give him some room to decide if he wishes to remain in the past or move ahead to the future with you. Give him the gift of missing you and mean it. Iam not saying divorce him, iam saying some time for yourself and be confident with who you are before he draws you into a web of feeling you are not worthy. Reverse his thinking by changing yours.
Start to question openly to him, if perhaps HE is the one not good enough for you. You are an individual and you have a right to have your own spot to stand in, and it is not in the shadow of a man. Nor is it in the pieces of his past.

Answer 7

No you wouldn't settle for second best so don't be a second best. Let him know that you want to be loved and wanted for being you and not for being like some else. That is not fair to you. If he doesn't learn from this talk leave him and find someone who will cherish you because they love you for being you.

Answer 8

your not second best, it's just what u are telling yourself, as u feel kind of threatened by this woman. they never had a fight because the relationship ended before they could. so he sort of idealized it, and made it to be something wonderful in his mind. he's just thinking about his past, your only second if u say u are. your perception of this is all wrong. he is just reminiscing.

Answer 9

Hello Angel,
My wife is 4'11" about the same as you, and she is the best piece of a s s I ever had. Petite Girls RULE!!!! Don't worry, your husband never had any better than you.

Answer 10

memories blur after 26 years.....let it go.....the good news is that he has told you that you have her beat.....don't be jealous of someone from 26 years ago....you never get over your first love...he may be a little more obsessed than most but he is yours...good luck