Does my friend need help - if so how can I help her to get a life? Or should I not interfere?

Question

I have a friend who is 62 years old. She was a professional in broadcasting until she retired early about seven years ago. She has never married and has never had a boyfriend or girlfriend (“partner”) of any sort - she does have quite a few platonic friends like me but she has always lived alone.

Through shrewd management of her finances my friend now has property and other assets worth well in excess of a million pounds as well as a good pension. She owns two apartments in a high value area of England and lives in one and lets the other.

The lady is generous to others but unbelievably mean to herself. Her apartment is a complete mess with unopened boxes full of junk littering most of the rooms. Her furniture is mostly junk as well and she has never, ever bought any new things for her home. The furnishings and every electrical appliance are second hand - this in an apartment which she owns outright and which is worth some £550,000! What to do? Leave alone? Advice please!

Some really good answers - thanks. A number of you ask whether my friend is happy. She is not. She frets all the time about not making progress in cleaning up her flat (she has been there about 18 months but the boxes are still unpacked!). She can't offer to put up her friends comfortably as guests because she has three bedrooms but no proper guest bed. She won't pay someone to do decorating (etc.) so she thinks that she has to do it herself. Her other flat is unlet at the moment so she frets over the lost income (although she does not need the money!). She hasn't had a proper holiday for years because of her obsession with her property affairs. My friend refuses to listen to anybody including me. She doesn't argue, she just deflects questions by not addressing them. She knows her life is a mess but she won't do anything about it.

The suggestion that she may be suffering from an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is interesting. What do otheres think? Is this case unique?

Answer 1

well i can see from your text that you care about yoru friend, but the problem is that it is her life, and she can do what seh wants, or waht she feels seh has to do. about living with old stuff and being generous to others, it seems to me almost like a form of ocd. the fact that she has never had a boyfriend/girlfriend makes me think that she is uncomfortable with sexuality, a common problem with people who have ocd, its most likely anxiety related. she possibly has some odd sexual desires taht seh is ashaemd of. maybe shes gay and prefers to go out with no oen than to commit that " sin" .
I think you, as a friend, can try to do some nice things for her, buy her something nice for her appt or something, maybe inquire into her dating life, but obviously you cant tell her to see a therapist, because theres nothign wrogn with her life if it doesnt bother her, so just be a concerned frined like im sure you alwasy have been.

Answer 2

Sounds as if she's afraid of change. Also you find that people who have worked so hard for their money actually become obsessed with it & instead of spending & enjoying their money as they should, they become misers & count every penny. It sounds as though she's suffering from lonliness & depression also, therefore she has a lack of motivation. Suggest that she join some clubs that interest her, it will give her a new lease of life. She needs to get out more & i'm sure if she could find herself a companion it would make the world of difference. I have to praise you though cos you sound like such a lovely caring friend.

Answer 3

You might try asking her if you haven't all ready and if she is happy leave well alone. if you can afford it go by her some thing new for her flat And see what that dos. God will bless you for caring and you cant ask better than that. Just go on being there for her because that's more than others have. You are doing the best you can then leave it at that and enjoy her friendship. yours in J. C. peter william lack. Have a nice day.

Answer 4

As long as u don't give any more details on here, she should be ok. really i think u know the answer. it is entirely up 2 her. i applaud ur feelings towards her in this matter it is to ur great credit that u care this way about her.

it would be ok for female friends to try to persuade her to let her hair down a little. i think it would carry more weight.
in my experience, people who do not spend much money on themselves are people who feel deep sadness about something in life. it is perhaps a form of exhibiting incredibly low self esteem.

if that is true and i say if, it would be ok for female friend/s to proceed. maybe she has just lost all hope of ever finding a true love. does she have two noses and three arms???

it may be that she has religious beliefs which preclude.
It may be that she is literally just happier that way.

get a female friend of similar age but married to talk to her to try to ascertain her feelings on such matters but don't let on ur all in it together or she may be a bit peeved!!

Answer 5

there is not any longer something legally you're able to do, consistent with your question, no longer human beings's comments. your spouse is authorized to have any chum she needs, in case you like that woman out of family members employer your purely decision you have is to get a clean family members. the courtroom won't be able to tell this woman to stay away out of your spouse, you sound insane. you and your spouse want some counseling, this woman isn't the subject, you and your spouse are. you won't be able to get a restraining order. you would be laughed at in case you visit courtroom asserting you want a RO cus this woman tells your spouse stuff and you 2 then combat. goodbess, get some experience. do no longer pay attention to the wana bee counselors on right here, that's merely an argument of taking duty. no single women dont attempt to interrupt up marriages of their acquaintances, they simply have diverse comments and tell their acquaintances from the attitude of a single woman. consistent with danger you're mad this woman is telling your spouse the fact approximately you that your spouse merely won't be able to see...

Answer 6

she sounds stuck in a rut that's become her life.I'd say she needs a different view and she needs a different cause.You are right to be concern rd for if left unchecked she will become recluse and may end up alone and depressed.I don't know what you could suggest as I don't know what she likes or use to like.Maybe if you go to church you can prod her into going,I always say try God first,or try to get her to go through some of the mess in her home.I don't know what to do but try something.You're a good friend.

Answer 7

If she is happy leave it alone. It is up to her how she lives, if she is unhappy then may be talk to her. But remember your views on what she should be doing with her money may not be her views, Just listen and be there as a Friend, don't be pushy and appreciate what your Friend is saying

Answer 8

Is your friend unhappy? Or does her situation make you unhappy? Unless your friend is aware that she needs help, and wants to get help, there is really nothing you can do except just be her friend. Be there for her and be supportive if she expresses the need for help. And if she does need and want help, maybe you can help her find it. Other than that, there is nothing you can do. If I were in your shoes, I would accept her as she is, never be judgemental, be supportive, and basically just be her true friend.

Good luck and I hope you both find peace...

Answer 9

yip, leave her alone. that is the way she prefers to live, so let her be. she clearly has no interest in material goods and I admire her for using it to help others. what a noble woman. she may listen to you as far as the cleaning up thingie goes, but naw, leave this dear old lady alone! She's unique.

Answer 10

stop questioning her life and question your own.why do you feel the need to change your friend. let here know you are there for her and get on with your life im sure life would seem rather not worth it when you have acheived so much and to what end death lonelyness and constant interference from people who always think they know best.this woman is an aduld not your chil d or toy it is her life after all. sorry.